Did the White House Correspondents’ Dinner Turn Into a Sloppy Caligula Orgy Last Night?

You bet it did! Figuratively, of course, not, like, literally or whatever, otherwise we'd be looking at pictures of Steven Spielberg polishing Paul Rudd's balls with steel wool. I know, wild, but this is the sort of crazy shit that indulgent empires like Rome and the United States do — they gather up all the notable people in one glossy marble room and let them do sex stuff to each other. Some notable people-we-can't-be-sure-are-real-because-most-of-us-have-never-seen-them-in-person included Lindsay Lohan, Kim Kardashian, Sofia Vergara, and George Clooney (even Jason Stackhouse showed up, looking serenely attractive). Rick Santorum, who recently wrapped the filming of a long, found-footage style horror movie about a crazed, pro-life politician from Pennsylvania that makes an unexpected splash in the Republican presidential primary was there, looking dashing as usual, and so too was Jimmy Kimmel, who presided over the festivities with a Priapus gavel and a crown of grapes tilted at a drunken angle on his narrow little head (j/k, he has a huge head). The question of the day isn't, "Who was there?" but "Who wasn't there?" You! You weren't there because you're an out-of-the-beltway loop loser who will never ever get an invitation to the bacchanal that is the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Hope you enjoyed your TV dinner and those old Twin Peaks episodes via Netflix instant watch (spoiler alert: nothing happens). [WSJ, Politico]

  • Jimmy Kimmel and President of the Free and Atomically Armed World Barack Obama channeled some brotastic energy through a high-five last night at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. [E!]
  • Rick Santorum creepily asked to take a picture of (not with, TMZ makes clear) Lindsay Lohan last night at the Correspondents' Dinner. [TMZ]
  • Turns out that there were some big Hollywood stars that didn't shine brightly in D.C. last night. None of The Avengers cast members made it that far down the blasted hellscape that surrounds I-95 because they screened their summer comic book blowout for New York's firefighters and police officers on the last day of the Tribeca Film Festival. Mark Ruffalo and his allegedly tiny penis sure missed out on some sexy beltway times. [CBS]
  • MGM has formally offered Julianne Moore the role of especially abusive mother Margaret White in the Carrie remake. If she accepts, she'll be psychologically damaging Chloe Moretz, who's already signed on for the titular role. [Deadline]
  • Speaking (I dictate these Dirt Bags to my dog, who's a wonder with transcription software) of unorthodox mothers, Nadya Suleman has called bullshit on rumors that a Mexican woman cleverly being called NueveMom is pregnant with nonuplets. Suleman says that not only is NueveMom not real, the very idea that someone would joke about raising such a huge litter of children "disgusts" her because it's not funny having almost ten kids all the same age with no steady means to support them. [TMZ]
  • Parisian songbirds Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon weren't the only notable couple to celebrate the cyclical repetition of their wedding vows — LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian also renewed their vows on Friday, probably by cheating on each other ironically. [People]
  • Kanye West and Kim Kardashian's romantical evening was completely ruined on Friday when a photographer snapped a picture of Kanye's pants falling down. The couple only realized the horrible truth when they stopped at a bodega to get twin 40 ounces of Bud Ice to sip on their moonlit carriage ride through Central Park and the proprietor looked disapprovingly at Kanye and pointed to a sign that said, "No shirt, no shoes, no pants, no sense of social awareness or self parody, no service." [E!]
  • A new development in the trial of William Balfour, the man who allegedly murdered Jennifer Hudson's mother, brother, and nephew — Balfour's former mistress, Shonta Cathey, has testified that he admitted to killing at least two of Hudson's family members in 2008. [HuffPo]
  • Get ready to see Kristen Stewart in the five for twenty bin at your local failing Blockbuster — the Twilight actress will be starring in a action movie called Cali about a young woman with "a penchant for bad choices and dangerous behavior." Sounds like the whole project could get a little naked, doesn't it? [E!]
  • Courtney Love is having an art show on May 3 to rival her daughter Frances Cobain's show, an indication, at least, that the passive aggressive relationship between mother and daughter has moved into the real world. [Janet Charlton]
  • Making the understatement of the year, Mel Gibson, the Road Warrior in case anyone has forgotten, told Jay Leno on The Tonight Show that he has "a little bit of a temper." [ E!]