The Clothes Were Loud at the Latin Music Awards

Last night, the Billboard Latin Music Awards were held in Miami and the red carpet—which featured lots of bright colors, shiny fabric, and boobs from every angle—as a whole was a delicious mess.

The Clothes Were Loud at the Latin Music Awards

With her large bun, manicured nails, and cocktail ring on each finger, Adrianne Bailon, whom I recognize from past seasons of Keeping Up with the Kardashians (she used to be Rob's girlfriend), is reminiscent of Sharon Stone in Casino, which is the height of good style, in my book.

The Clothes Were Loud at the Latin Music Awards

Is Carolina Tejera wearing a Bob Mackie design? I was under the impression that he was the only one who was allowed to do this to women.

The Clothes Were Loud at the Latin Music Awards

The unholy trinity of a nude allusion, tattered fabric and an ambiguous animal print that could easily be confused for tire marks leaves Angelica Celaya looking like literal road kill.

The Clothes Were Loud at the Latin Music Awards

Cynthia Olavarria's dress—seemingly knit out of VHS tape—is some straight-up Etsy shit.

The Clothes Were Loud at the Latin Music Awards

Coral with two straps (Azucena Cierco), one strap (Kika Rocha), and no straps (Ana Maria Polo).

The Clothes Were Loud at the Latin Music Awards

On a red carpet that wasn't particularly fashion forward or elegant, these were favorable standouts: Mary Gamarra in a belted brocade gown, Jeimy Osorio in graphic separates, and Alexia Echevarria in patterned studs.

The Clothes Were Loud at the Latin Music Awards

The only time you should ever wear dresses like these is when you have no choice in the matter, like when you serve as a bridesmaid: Vanessa Villela, Andrea Minski, and Rosanna Pena.

The Clothes Were Loud at the Latin Music Awards

It's really hard to pair sheer lace with breast implants and not look like you're here to compete for Bret Michaels' heart.

The Clothes Were Loud at the Latin Music Awards

Sparkle motion: Jacqueline Marquez, Sonya Smith, and Lisa Morales.

The Clothes Were Loud at the Latin Music Awards

Tatiana Capote is like knocking on 50 and she definitely has a great body, but it's like, save the rib cage for the beach. You know? Paulina Rubio is wearing the top and bottom of a '70s prom dress. And, ugh, nice Billabong, Liz Gallardo.