Groundbreaking 'Study' Reveals that Swimsuit Shopping Makes Women Feel Like ShitS

Ladies. Ladies! It's almost the end of the month before the month before bikini season, so I hope you're all fucking cleansing right now. Are you cleansing? (Seriously, I swear by this: Just crumble saltines and a dash of cayenne into your humidifier, then HUFF TILL AUTUMN.) Anyway, cleanse season also means that it's bathing-suit shopping season! But have you ever noticed that bathing-suit shopping gives you a…funny feeling? Like that less-than-fresh, wanting-to-immediately-die kind of feeling? Science noticed that too.

An "actual study" out of Flinders University—which, as I'm sure you know, is the highest-rated research facility for Bathing Suit Science in all of Middle Earth—has "discovered" that "trying on swimsuits makes women feel anxious and depressed." In fact (seriously, this is a real article), the "report says just thinking about bathing suits can put women in a crummy mood" because "mirrors, bright lighting, and the virtual demand that women engage in close evaluation of their body in evaluating how the clothes appear and fit." Fascinating! Thank god you were here, science.

Sponsored by Dr. Sherlock of the No Shit Institute (best known for his groundbreaking paper, "Is the Hot Tea Hot or Cold?"), the study required female participants to try on swimwear for several hours in a brightly-lit coffin, after which they sat in a circle on the floor and talked about their feelings while eating Activia.

Julie: God, that sucked. I hate trying on bathing suits.
Tess: I know! The lighting is so horrible! And, weirdly, all of the swimsuits seem to be just small, ill-fitting pieces of lycra that highlight the areas of my body I'm taught to hate most!
Carla: OMG, I've noticed that too! I thought I was the only one!
Tess: No, it's definitely true. I can't believe I never noticed before how terrible swimsuit shopping is! I think we're on to something!
Julie: You guys...did we just do science?
Tess: I think we did! God, this fucking yogurt is SO FUCKING GOOD. I HAVEN'T EATEN ANYTHING BUT SALTINE FUMES AND CABBAGE FOR SIX MONTHS.
Julie: Yeah, but Tess, you look really hot. And, you know, bikini season.
Tess: I know. I know.
Carla: Wooooooooo...
[All weep.]

Photo credit: (C) Stockfresh / mitarart.