This Week in Tabloids: The Kardashians Ruin the Life of Yet Another Man

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we rifle through the wardrobes of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, tabloids editors once again discuss Jessica Simpson's baby as though it's already been born; there are several different versions of how Brad proposed to Angie; and the brazen hussies of the Kardashian Klan just chew up and spit out poor, helpless men.



This Week in Tabloids: The Kardashians Ruin the Life of Yet Another Man

Ok!
"Brad & Angie Engaged!"
This is a "special collector's edition" of the magazine that lies to you week after week, and inside, the story explains that Maddox has been pushing Brad and Angelina to get married for years, and Zahara is "dying" to be a bridesmaid. The proposal is described thusly: "They had been fighting about their conflickting schedules and it was pretty nasty… Then Brad comes in and says, 'Will you marry me?' They both started crying and hugged for like 30 minutes." This is according to a source, who also insists that Angie wants a "classic, white, long wedding dress with a veil." And! The mag has a little gloat corner, called "Ok! TOLD YOU FIRST," in which the editors claim they called this engagement a while back. Yeah, like in 2007, when your cover blared "Wedding Of The Year". Also inside: Some doctor forgot to tell Lindsay Lohan not to fly immediately after getting Botox, and the five hour flight's change in air pressure fucked up her face. Worse: Lindsay is broke. "She's as poor as poor can be, doesn't have two nickels to rub together and owes more than $3million in debt," says an insider. Sigh.
Grade: D (shredded jeans)


This Week in Tabloids: The Kardashians Ruin the Life of Yet Another Man

Life & Style
"The Kardashians Destroy Another Man!"
These raven-haired beauties are like hurricanes or tornadoes, whirling into lives and smashing everything to pieces. Khloe is dealing with "divorce drama" because Lamar doesn't want to be in front of the cameras anymore. And as you know, a Kardashian cannot be married — or do anything — unless cameras are involved. Khloe and Lamar are "definitely headed toward divorce," says an unnamed source. "They're not having sex." And: "He definitely feels the Kardashians — the show, the press, the fame, the whole monster — ruined him." Sniffle, sniffle. Sob, sob. On a page titled "Does The Kardashians' Control Ruin Men?" the evidence is clear: Scott is "on a short leash," Bruce "doesn't wear the pants," Kris "was a plotline" and "they gang up on Rob." Burn the witches! Also inside: Prince Harry is wooing Mollie King, the blonde one in The Saturdays. Simon Cowell called off his engagement to makeup artist Mezhgan Hussainy in January, but he did transfer ownership of his $8 million, 9,000 square foot six bedroom house to her. He's currently living in a hotel. In "20 Secrets to a Hot Hollywood Body," we learn "pamper yourself," "everything in moderation," "shock your system," "do a cleanse" and "ditch the fast food," among other tips. Finally, she seems like a really nice girl, but Selena Gomez's perfume bottle is shudder-inducingly hideous. (See Fig. 1)
Grade: D- (qiana blouse with pit stains)


This Week in Tabloids: The Kardashians Ruin the Life of Yet Another Man

In Touch
"Inside Jessica's Dramatic Delivery."
Again: Jessica has not, repeat, NOT had her baby yet. But this issue is dated April 30 — meaning it can stay on stands until then — and the story inside has been written using very specific wording. For instance: "She ultimately chose to schedule a C-section." Could be today, could be next week! If she has the baby today, tomorrow, or in ten days, this will not seem like a lie. The text also reads: "thanks to the support of her very zen fiancé, Jessica managed to cherish a few beautiful moments in the days leading up to Maxi's birth." Sure, because we are still IN the days leading up to the kid's birth, but whatever! Jessica is "over-the-moon happy and excited about this baby," a friend says. Not a lie! But the baby IS NOT HERE YET. There's even a sidebar about how Eric gave Jessica a $250,000 push present — a piece of pricey jewelry — to celebrate the birth of the baby. Who has not been born yet. Let's move on! In this mag, Brad's proposal to Angie is described like this: "The kids begged Brad to do it. So one morning, in front of the kids, he asked Angelina: 'Will you marry me, beautiful?' The kids were so happy!" In Khloe and Lamar news, they are "torn apart by mom," Since Kris Jenner has been constantly phoning and trying to get them to discuss how Lamar and the Mavericks parted — Kris wants it to be part of the reality show. Kris is urging Khloe to "put on a happy face and keep making money," since Khloe isn't just a daughter but an emloyee. As for Lamar, "he may retire and divorce Khloe." Drama. Jennifer Lopez is "hell bent on turning her boy toy into a playboy," which is why she has "blown" $2 million on Casper Smart. Using "blown" in a headline to describe what a woman has done to her young lover? Interesting choice. In any case, we're supposed to be scandalized that J.Lo has spent $50,000 on a car, $12K on clothes and $10K on trips for her boyfriend in addition to the $40K a week he makes as an "artistic director" for her. But seriously, how many rich older men have done the exact same thing for young ladies since the beginning of time? It's Jenny's money, she can spend it how she likes. The next story is one of those "this black man is terrible" hit jobs in which Kim Kardashian is warned to "watch out" for Kanye West, since he is an "abuser" and a "monster." (See Fig.2) Apparently once he pushed his ex-girlfriend Alexis into some bushes "with all his force." He's "addicted to sex" and has "rage issues" and is a "mean boyfriend." All the moms picking up this issue at the grocery store can tsk-tsk and wonder why Kim can't find a nice white boy to settle down with. In other news, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman's daughter isabella is literally living on Skid Row in L.A. with her struggling musician boyfriend named Eddie. The 19-year-old is "surrounded by homeless people and drug dealers," almost like going away to college! Chris Brown has dumped Rihanna, since he was just "using her for sex." Blake Shelton is "drunk as a skunk" day in and day out and kissing his career goodbye. Charlize Theron has been getting closer to Keanu Reeves — he babysits and brings toys over, and even helped her build the crib that her infant, Jackson, sleeps in. Guys, Christina Aguilera's hair — and eyebrows — have been through a lot in the last 12 years. (See Fig. 3) Last, but not least, in an interview, Eden Wood is asked if she has any friends her age. She replies: "I have girl friends. One is named Abby. I can't remember the other one's name." (See Fig. 4)
Grade: C- (acrylic sweater)


This Week in Tabloids: The Kardashians Ruin the Life of Yet Another Man

Us
"Royal Scandal."
A dude driving a car in which Pippa was riding pointed a toy gun at a paparazzo, and Pippa could face fines. She is in hiding, and Kate feels guilty, since she's the reason Pippa has photographers following her. Moving on. Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds want to live together. In Connecticut. They're looking at houses in New Canaan. Charlize Theron went on a second date with Alexander Skarsgård, but a friend insists it isn't serious and he hasn't met her baby. Finally, Brad's proposal to Angelina is described thusly: He gathered the children to watch as he gave her the ring. He "skipped the tradition of getting down on one knee" and "merely presented the ring as a token of his unwavering love." Angelina cried and smiled. And everyone hugged once she put it on. She went around and showed it to each of the kids. It wasn't the first time he'd proposed: He asked her to marry him when she was pregnant with Shiloh, but she said no. But Maddox kept saying that a mommy and daddy should be married, which broke Angelina down. Brad enlisted the kids' help in designing the ring, because "he wanted the ring to be from the whole family, not just from him." The wedding will be low-key and everyone is happy, the end.
Grade: C+ (underwear with hole in crotch)


This Week in Tabloids: The Kardashians Ruin the Life of Yet Another Man

Star
"Addicted To Dieting!"
OMFG this thing could give a person a rage stroke. Circling ribs, using words like "quest for the perfect body," it's just so incredibly fucked up. Because this magazine very often has "worst beach bodies" issues. Now the editors turn around and mock women for being TOO THIN. And there are only women in this cover story, in a magazine marketed to women. Seven pages of judging, picking apart bodies, and using phrases like: "continues to look skeletal," "skin-and-bones bod," "practically skeletal." And: "One look at those protruding bones and she may want to order a pizza." And "she survived on kale and dust," "prehistoric protruding back bones," "starvation diet." Food is mentioned, in the form of salmon, quinoa, and lentils. One star is allegedly on a 800-1000 calorie diet that bans dairy, alcohol, caffeine and spices. And that one image of vertebrae on the cover? With the words "this story has a happen ending"? That is not a celebrity but a British teenager who suffered from an eating disorder, a "real life diet addict." Anorexia nervosa. What the hell she is doing in this magazine is beyond me, but clearly pointing at women and gasping about their bones or cellulite is a sport the editors encourage. Can we move on? Also inside: Demi Moore is enlisting Oprah as her new life coach. Jay-Z and Beyoncé are ready for baby number two, yes, already. Vanessa Paradis had dinner with handsome French musician Benjamin Biolay, and Johnny Depp is not happy about it. And here's how Brad proposed to Angelina: "Surrounded by their six children and Angelina's father, Jon Voight, and brother James Haven, during a family dinner at the pair's L.A. home, Brad asked his partner of seven years to finally be his wife. After he first proposed on bended knee in private, 'they had an emotional moment, filled with tears of joy, with everyone. Brad asked Angelina again if she would marry him, and they all had champagne and cried." Finally, I leave you with this: Harry from One Direction has four nipples. You're welcome.
Grade: F (too-small underwire bra)


Addendum

This Week in Tabloids: The Kardashians Ruin the Life of Yet Another Man

Fig. 1, from Life & Style

This Week in Tabloids: The Kardashians Ruin the Life of Yet Another Man

Fig. 2, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: The Kardashians Ruin the Life of Yet Another Man

Fig. 3, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: The Kardashians Ruin the Life of Yet Another Man

Fig. 4, from In Touch