I'm just going to cut to the chase here: on Friday, Newt Gingrich's hand required bandaging after it was injured by an angry penguin. And just for fun, let's see that sentence again: On Friday, Newt Gingrich's hand required bandaging after it was injured by an angry penguin. Rumor has it, that penguin is now on Mitt Romney's shortlist for potential Vice Presidential candidates.
Now that Ron Paul's dropped out of the Presidential race to devote himself full time to his probably weird hobbies (theories: soldering antique watches to antique bullets, panning for gold in his rain gutters, making basement forts out of giant stacks of ledgers), the only two Republicans who remain vying for the title of Most Likely to Succeed the President are presumed nominee Mitt Romney and presumed loser Newt Gingrich. And because every Republican politician and their trusty gun sidekick was in St. Louis to attend the National Rifle Association convention this past weekend, Newt was there, too, taking in the sights like a guy who really believed that he could still be President. Among his sightseeing stops was the St. Louis Zoo.
And that's where shit got real.
The baby penguin bit Gingrich in the finger after, I don't know, listening to the man talk about building a moon colony for five seconds with that face of his, and the next day, the candidate appeared in public with a small bandage over the place the angry aquatic bird bit him.
Guns don't kill people. Penguins kill people. And more specifically, penguins kill Newt Gingrich, who has a gun.