Fearing for Its Life, Courtney Love’s Twitter Account Apologizes to Frances Bean CobainS

It's probably safe to say that Courtney Love is no longer part of our physical world — she's been zapped into the internet and is now a disembodied consciousness, able to communicate only through Twitter, 140 frustrating characters at a time, like Brainiac in the Superman comics...or so I've heard from people who read comics. Earlier this week, Love accused 43-year-old former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl of trying to seduce her daughter, Frances Bean Cobain, who took offense at her mom's grossness by denying that Grohl had ever approached her in anything but "a platonic way," and suggesting that Twitter should permanently ban her mother, which, considering the circumstances, is tantamount to matricide.

Realizing that her very Twitter existence was at stake, Love offered her daughter a semantically economical apology: "Bean, I'm sorry I believed the gossip. Mommy loves you." Somehow, the order of that last sentence makes the whole exchange even creepier than it was before, and while I'm not suggesting something so drastic as a Twitter banning for Courtney Love, maybe she should hire a Twitter intern to manage her daily affairs, like all the Real Housewives do. [People, E!]

  • Taylor Armstrong has finally learned that Bravo will "phase her out" of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (and pop culture in general), and she's "freaked out" by it because she's seen Back to the Future and she doesn't want to be erased from existence. According to a source familiar with Bravo's decision to ease Armstrong off of the show, producers decided to re-sign her mainly because they didn't want to be perceived as "dumping" her after her husband's death and reports of spousal abuse. "But," continued the source, "[the producers] are definitely looking to phase her out of the show gradually. The feeling is that Taylor won't really be bringing much to the table and that she's not needed anymore." Nobody really thinks she's a sympathetic character either, so there's that, which should tell you pretty much everything you need to know about reality television. [Radar]
  • Some thief straight out of the animated movie Rock-a-Doodle has stolen Tom Petty's rock and roll. Culver City Police say that five of Petty's guitars were stolen from a Culver City studio. Petty and the Heartbreakers are offering a $7,500 reward through their website for any information about the guitars, "no questions asked," so I've decided to rat out Bruce Springsteen because you can't trust a man who doesn't wear sleeves. [AP]
  • In other music news, everybody except Axl Rose showed up at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last night to see Guns N' Roses, The Beastie Boys, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Donovan, and Laur Nyo achieve musical immortality in Cleveland. For events like these, it might be nice if they lit the Cleveland River on fire again, just a little bit on fire, just for gravitas. [CBS News]
  • Hipster-ass hipster celebrities gathered like fruit flies to an open bottle of Bohemian Highway Merlot at Coachella this weekend, wearing ironically high stockings and fedoras at sharp, sardonic angles. Katy Perry appeared, dressed like one of the kids from Friday the 13th that knows exactly what's going to happen to everyone but somehow dies anyway, as did Ke$ha, Mischa Barton, Hilary Duff & child, Pete Wentz, and even Lindsay Lohan despite strict instructions from her probation judge to stay the fuck at home and not get into any music festival trouble. Check out some pictures from the event and see if you can tell which celebrities are down with getting stoned and listening to music, and which are wearing sunglasses because they want people to think they're down with getting stoned and listening to music. [E!]
  • A Spice feud has stalled the proposed Spice Girls musical Viva Forever because Victoria Beckham and Melanie Brown can't stop hating each other long enough to make sweet, sweet music. The world is seriously missing out because if Viva Forever aspires to be even half the playful deconstruction of carefully choreographed celebrity that Spice World was, it's safe to say that it would become the best musical ever. After West Side Story. And Phantom. Third best. [Mirror]
  • Zeus and Hera Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will marry in the private chapel at their really expensive, 35-room French estate, Château Miraval, in France. Not the Epcot version of France, either — the real France, which I hear is redolent in the summer with the smell of curdling milk. [Express]
  • How awkward would Mitt Romney be on SNL? Hopefully Lorne Michaels was just being polite in offering Romney a guest spot on the show and we won't actually have to find out because watching Romney make jokes would probably be a lot like watching a kid screw up a long division problem on the chalkboard over and over again while the teacher keeps telling the class, "Nobody help him!" [NY Times]
  • Kim Novak, the star of Vertigo, told an audience at the TCM Classic Film Festival on Friday that she regrets having had to leave Hollywood because of her bipolar disorder. "I'm bipolar," she said, "but there's medicine you can take for this now. I was not diagnosed until much later. I go through more of the depression than the mania part." Novak, now 79, said that even though studios tried turn her into a "beach girl, I needed something complicated because I was complicated." Eventually the emotional pressures of the industry became too much for her and she moved to Big Sur to paint, a decision, she now says, she often second-guesses. [LA Times]
  • Several security companies have offered Nadya Suleman 24/7 protection from all those California libertarians who somehow believe that because they don't receive welfare, they don't get the full benefit of government revenue. There's only one word for myopic, self-righteous people like that — highways. [TMZ]
  • David Simon has apologized to fans of the Wire for calling their pseudo-religious devotion to his hit show "wearying." [ONTD]
  • Nicki Minaj's father Omar is really upset that his daughter called him a violent alcoholic on Nightline. Family sources counter these claims, however, and say that Omar never knew the depths of his daughter's hatred for him, probably because he was too busy being drunk and trying to burn his family's house down. [TMZ]
  • It's a rare condition in this day and age to read any good news about supporting cast members from 90s sitcoms on the newspaper page, but Cherie Johnson, the girl who played Laurie Winslow's best friend on Family Matters, has opened a restaurant in a depressed Houston neighborhood in an effort to reinvigorate the area. [TMZ]
  • Amanda Bynes is ignoring pleas for her to go to rehab because going to rehab is so 2006. [Radar]
  • Are you ready for the summer of love? Tim Tebow is — he's single and eager to take some lucky girl for funnel cake and roller coasters at Coney Island. [People]