The World's First 100% Foolproof Guide to Losing Weight and Keeping It OffS

A lot of people complain that losing weight and getting in shape is "difficult" and "complicated," and to those people I say, "Shut up, fat-face! You're gross!" The media and the medical establishment are just full of super helpful advice for losing weight and keeping it off, if you're willing to TRY! That's how, after exhaustive research, I've designed the ultimate lifestyle for a fit and healthy body. And let me tell you, this shit works. Get ready for bikini season, bitchez!

I wake up every morning in Japan at whatever the fuck time I want. After my ritual morning burning of the flag of Nauru (world's fattest nation), it's time for breakfast! Obviously I never diet, so a normal breakfast for me is eggs, beans, salad, green tea, soup, beef, olive oil, grapefruit, cinnamon, vinegar, tofu, nuts, cereal, and hot peppers. Breakfast is typically followed by two to three hours of diarrhea—or, as I like to call it, "me time!" Diarrhea is a great way to shed excess water weight.

To minimize my portion sizes, I use an old Snapple lid as a plate and a shovel instead of a fork. Studies have shown that when food is stinkier, people take smaller bites. That's why I always keep a spray-bottle filled with rancid yogurt-water handy to spritz over all my meals and snacks. And as a failsafe, I hide one festering cat carcass in every room of my apartment where I might possibly eat something! Every time I consider cheating by having my olfactory glands surgically removed, I have to eat the nearest cat carcass as a punishment. Trust me, ladies, it works.

Time to get dressed! I have all my clothes custom-made out of form-fitting plate armor, because woven fabrics these days are full of spandex and SPANDEX IS FOR THE APATHETIC. I always feel a sense of accomplishment when I can fit into my "skinny cuirass!"

Everyone knows that being around other people—especially at the office—can make you super fat. That's why I can't hold down a job and avoid human contact at all times. The endless, grinding solitude does make it a little hard to use the "buddy system" when I work out, but I just built myself a new best friend out of a cinderblock and some clumps of my old hair! Her name is Julie, and she loves acai berries, Kardashians, and Zumba. (Julie talks too much, and she can be kind of a judgmental bitch because she's skinnier than me, but it's cool—shame is a great motivator!)

Sure, I do miss other people once in a while, but no nurturing human contact is as life-affirmingly soothing as thin feels! And like my grandma always used to say after the dementia took over, "Aaaaaahhh!!! The whale people! The whale people are force-feeding me cake!" It's true, Nana. You can't be too careful out there. Fat people are tricky. I wish I had gotten Nana to tell me her slim-down secrets before she died—studies have linked Alzheimer's to lower BMIs—but too late now. I guess I just have to hope Alzheimer's is hereditary!

Working out is incredibly important for keeping those pounds off, except for when it's pointless, which is always. I work hard to maintain a consistent and regimented exercise routine, which I completely change every day because variety is key. Obviously I would never work out at gym, but also I never go outside, so a typical workout for me is sitting on the floor in my living room feeling confused, and then drinking nine gallons of water (gotta stay hydrated!).

In the afternoons, I do a couple hours of calorie math, and then pray to a golden statue of Pastor Rick Warren. Then it's computer time! When surfing the 'net, I always click on any ad in which a suburban housewife has discovered "one weird trick" to getting a flat stomach (sssh! The weird trick is tapeworms!). I have to buy a new computer every two weeks, but I don't mind—knowledge is power!

And then it's time for dinner (assuming it's still before 6 pm). For dinner I eat chocolate with diet pill sauce. And there you have it! At that point I'm usually pretty tuckered out from all the weight-losing I did that day, so losing consciousness is a breeze.

See? Was that so hard? I am literally the healthiest person on earth.