"Someone That I Used To Know" by Gotye, a man so heartbroken that he can't spell Gaultier properly, is all over the radio, on Saturday Night Live and deep inside your consciousness. It's the number one song on the Billboard charts. But have you listened to the lyrics of this track? They read like a Crap Email From a Dude:

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

Let me get this straight: While I was thinking I was in a blissful relationship, you felt "lonely" when you were around me? Dude, if you're not enjoying yourself, just get the fuck out. Who wants to be snuggled up to a faker? And your excuse is "that was love"? Nope. Love does not consist of attempting to convince yourself that someone is right for you. I mean, I know I do this when gazing upon pictures of current crush Maximillian Silberman, but I'm not actually serious. Mind tricks are not love. Sorry.

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

Coward.

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Actually, I did have to cut you off, so I could move on and not think about your "I feel lonely when you're here" emotionally distant and cowardly ass. I changed my number because you were texting me about hanging out. Fuck that. Don't you know that when I said we would still be friends, I meant as opposed to being mortal enemies. Like, if I see you on the sidewalk, I won't shout FUCKING HELL and cross the street so we don't have to walk on the same pavement. I didn't meant to imply that we would actually ever see each other. Or talk. Since you are thick-headed and being weird about this whole thing, of course I sent my friends to get my records. You think you can keep my vinyl? Please.

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

That's right. Deal with it.

Special shout out goes to Alex Clare, whose track "Too Close" is in the Internet Explorer ads. With lyrics like, "How do I say that I need to move on?" Uh, you just open your mouth and say it, dude. Use your words. The chorus "And it feels like I am just too close to love you" is laughable. Too close to love? WTF does that mean. Just admit you want to fuck other people, Jesus.