This Week In Tabloids: Jen Aniston's Big Fat Greek WeddingS

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we sample the gossip cooked up by In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week: Adele's nose job; Christina Aguilera's slim-down, Kimye's "match made in hell"; and pregnant Jennifer Aniston's getting hitched in Crete.


This Week In Tabloids: Jen Aniston's Big Fat Greek WeddingS

Ok!
You know the gossip is slow when "Diets That Work" is a coverline. Naturally, we are treated to a bunch of information we do not need. For instance: Kim Kardashian has cut gluten, dairy and sugar from her meals. (But didn't she just have pasta and ice cream with Kanye West?) In addition, she only eats chicken, fish and veggies if they are steamed. Kendra Wilkinson-Baskett puts asparagus, pinapple, broccoli, strawberries, pineapple, orange juice and ice in the blender and drinks it throughout the week. And Christina Aguilera has dropped a size by going on a raw diet. Yawn. In other "news," Jennelle from Teen Mom got in a Twitter war with someone impersonating her ex, Kieffer Delp. Finally, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have decided that they will each have their own, separate section in their new house — an escape when they need to get away from each other.
Grade: F (broccoli milkshake)


This Week In Tabloids: Jen Aniston's Big Fat Greek WeddingS

Life & Style
"Baby Joy & Drama!"
The "signs are all there" that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant: She wore black and hid her stomach during a recent outing. Plus, she was seen visiting an OB-GYN. As for the "first pics of the nursery," what you will actually see is a tiny photo of a bedroom with the caption "the future nursery." Total bullshit. Moving on: Snooki is upset because she recently found out that Jionni cheated on her last summer. Justin Timberlake is getting cold feet about his impending wedding to Jessica Biel, and a "friend" says, "I think he wants to be a faithful husband, but I don't see him actually doing it." Talking shit about you to the tabloids, that's what friends are for. Kimye news! While Kanye West and Kim Kardashian were hanging out in New York, she made him get Beyoncé on the phone to try and set something up where Kim and Bey would be photographed together. "She thinks if she's seen with someone like that that everyone will like her again," an insider explains. "That's her plan." Everyone knows it's a sin to use Beyoncé for selfish reasons!
Grade: D- (fried egg on cheesecake )


This Week In Tabloids: Jen Aniston's Big Fat Greek WeddingS

In Touch
"Khloe's Baby Heartbreak."
Apparently Khloe Kardashian had a miscarriage just two months ago. "She is really depressed." An insider says Khloe has actually suffered "a few" miscarriages, and adds, "she has so many sad days." Sucks, and sad that it's a cover story. Also inside: Ryan Gosling in a superhero uniform is just what the doctor ordered (see Fig. 1). We're meant to believe that Brad Pitt is "jealous" that Angelina Jolie wrote the foreword to Billy Bob Thornton's memoir. Kanye and Kim are a "match made in hell." She vowed to be a more private person, but "it's always been Kim's plan to rebound in a big way," according to an insider. Plus: "Kim acts like she's so innocent, but she and Kanye had shared some crazy nights of sex and partying." Funny, innocent is not the word that springs to mind, considering the Ray J sex tape. A doctor who has never treated Adele believes she got a nose job, what do you think? (Fig. 2) Last, but not least, I looove "Can You Believe They Dated?" just because everyone's hair looks so bad. Except for Tom Cruise. Xenu refuses to let that guy change. (Fig. 3)
Grade: D (slice of american cheese slathered with grape jelly)


This Week In Tabloids: Jen Aniston's Big Fat Greek WeddingS

Us
"Crazy Love."
Kim and Kanye "are meant to be." They both love Twitter, fur and Louis Vuitton. He is a "knight in mink-lined armor." They went to see The Hunger Games, and Sleep No More, then had Frrrozen Hot Chocolate at Serendipity3. After spending 45 minutes in toy store FAO Schwarz, they hopped in matching silver Maybachs are went shopping. Kim paid for her own stuff, which Kanye likes — she's not riding his coattails or expecting him to support her. A source puts it this way: "Kanye loves her Kimness. She's great the way she is, and if people hate on them, he'll only like her more." This is happening, people. Get on board. Also inside: Christina Aguilera has had a "hot new makeover," including slimming down and smoothing her hair. But she is planning a "really big hair change," so do what you must to prepare. Robert Pattinson is "embarrassed by his bod" and got really upset when photos of him paddleboarding in Malibu popped up online. He's really insecure about being seen shirtless, possibly because it proves he is not a Skinny SparkleVamp but a regular dude. Finally, Katy Perry is trying to get Russell Brand back, and is doing so by visiting India, where they got married. No, it doesn't make sense, but whatever.
Grade: C (seaweed salad drenched in buttermilk)


This Week In Tabloids: Jen Aniston's Big Fat Greek WeddingS

Star
"Jen: Pregnant Bride!"
It's not enough to be rich, pretty, thin and healthy. Jen "finally has it all" now that she is pregnant. Yes, she is having a baby and will tie the knot as a pregnant bride this summer in Greece. Jen's cousin Antonis Anastassakis tells the mag that she'll get married on the isle of Crete and they're already preparing for a huge celebration. Invited guests include Sheryl Crow, Chelsea Handler and Courteney Cox. Coco will be the flower girl. The wedding will be at the end of July, and Jen has her eye on a blue-domed chapel. Just like Mamma Mia! Exciting! Also inside: Lady Gaga hates that she has been "eclipsed" by Adele and "slams" her all the time, calling her a "fat cow." Randy Jackson is trying to set up American Idol contestant DeAndre Brackensick with Michael Jackson's daughter Paris Jackson. He's 17; she's 14. Jessica Paré, aka Zou Bisou Bisou on Mad Men, has come a long way: Two years ago, she was a struggling actress in the midst of a divorce and she and her hubs had $250 in their shared bank account and an old Volvo station wagon. Jake Gyllenhaal must be jealous of Ryan Gosling's do-gooder ways: Jake was spotted putting money in strangers' parking meters in LA. Katy Perry has dumped hot model Baptiste Giabiconi, mostly because he was trying to use her — pushing her to introduce him to music producers and begging her to duet with him. Don't say you never saw this coming: Bobbi Kristina is working on a reality show. Kim and Kanye are "already fighting" over money (?) because she keeps asking him about his touring revenue and property and savings. "She wants the kind of money where she can fly in private jets for the rest of her life," a source says. And: "Kim really loves Kanye, but she loves money just as much, if not more." The editors also throw this in, with zero evidence: "Kim is worried she could be pregnant!" Finally: Christina Aguilera and Blake Shelton have been flirting and boozing backstage, getting giggly and touchy-feely in the dressing room. Miranda Lambert is furious.
Grade: C- (roasted garlic peach crumble)


Addendum

This Week In Tabloids: Jen Aniston's Big Fat Greek WeddingS

Fig. 1, from In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Jen Aniston's Big Fat Greek WeddingS

Fig. 2 from In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Jen Aniston's Big Fat Greek WeddingS

Fig. 3 from In Touch