'Mischievous, Naughty' Mitt Romney Is Like a Son to His WifeS

In a new campaign video, Mitt Romney's wife Ann regales the American people with heartwarming tales of what a fun-loving scamp the Presidential hopeful can be when he's roughhousing with their kids. In fact, she sighs, sometimes having Mittens around the house was a lot like having an extra kid. Inflating her mom credentials would make sense as a strategy if Ann Romney were running for America's Mommy-In-Chief, but since her husband is running for one of the most powerful positions in the world, perhaps rebranding him as a Steinbeckian ManBoy isn't the most politically salient idea.

In the campaign video, Ann fondly recalls the days of having her five sons under one roof. It was crazy, but she managed — until Mitt came home and riled up the kids again. She says, "I hate to say it, but often I had more than five sons, I had six sons. And he would be as mischievous and as naughty as the other boys."

Dear lord, I hope there were no spankings doled out.

And the pranks — oh, the pranks! Mitt would wrestle and roughhouse and sling balls hither and tither. And there Ann would be, standing in an apron on the front stoop, crossing her arms and reminding herself that soon, five of her six children would grow up and leave the house, leaving her with her permanent child. Her forever-child. The one she married.

It's obvious that the Romney campaign is trying to humanize Mitt, a man who for the last year or so has used ever public appearance to act like a combination of a bewildered Encino Man unthawed in the modern day and a third tier Ronald Reagan impersonator. But how in snow-covered Utah is painting Romney like a hyperactive schoolboy going to convince voters that he should be President?

A mischievous, naughty imp giggling uncontrollably while running through the halls of the White House. A prank-pulling West Wing toilet cherry bomber who doesn't know how to put on his own pants. Now that's President material. That's what America needs.

While a movie about a child President might make great Disney Channel fodder, it's hardly something most Americans of voting age would want to see realized. Then again, I could be underestimating the American public. After all, this is a country that only supported three seasons of Arrested Development but eight separate American Pie films.

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