People Are Terrible, So Stop Putting Your Boobs on the Internet

Dear everyone on earth, especially 19-year-old girls: Has it really not sunk in yet that you cannot trust any other humans ever? Stop stop stop stop STOP taking naked pictures of yourself and your boobs and your crotch and your johnson and your buns and texting them to some douchebag you had sex with one time in the bathroom at TGI Friday. JUST STOP IT. It is bad.

Everyone has the potential to hate you someday, so unless you are totally fine with your naked boday winding up on the internet (where 100% of the world's grandmas can see it!), then never ever entrust your naked boday to other people. Ever. If you absolutely must present Chad with a graven image of your bathing suit area, just try and make it as impermanent as possible-like drawn on a napkin in ketchup, or as a bean mosaic on his front porch.

Or, at the very least, keep your face out of it.

If you're not convinced, the Village Voice recently offered an unnerving cautionary tale. It's an in-depth profile of the world's grossest dude, who I am not going to name or link to because he's a self-professed troll who hurts other people on purpose for profit and attention. [Ed: We'll link the Voice piece itself. Compromise.] He runs a hugely popular "revenge porn" website, where spiteful people upload naked photos of former sex partners who they now hate. Charming! Each post contains the full name and location of the person photographed (mostly women, because obv we are huge bitches), along with a screengrab from their Facebook page and, sometimes, a personal anecdote from the angry ex. Then other readers comment on how fat and disgusting and small-breasted those people, everyone masturbates, and the internet wins again. (There are also a growing number of "self-submissions," where girls seeking validation send in their own naked photos to be chewed up and judged by the mob.)

Man, fuck that guy. If you don't know who he is, I'm not going to tell you. And if you do know who he is, kindly join me in ignoring him for all of time. And if you're a person with a body who doesn't want that body on the internet, keep your body off the internet. Because other people are the fucking worst. Bean mosaic is the only way.