Yesterday, an undergraduate at Houston, Texas' Rice University asked the advice columnists at The Thresher, Rice's student paper, whether she should try period sex. "I read in "Cosmo" that 62 percent of men would be willing to have period sex," she wrote. "I'm interested but skeptical, especially about how my boyfriend would feel .... Should I try it?"
One of the two columnists was so immediately and "immensely" disgusted by the question that he felt compelled to quote from scripture. His Bible riff is so dumb that I thought it was a setup for an eventual, "JK, period sex is chill" type of conclusion — "While it is true that Moses parted the Red Sea, this is in no way a thumbs up from the Holy Book" — but, nah, he just thinks period sex is "really, really gross." He elaborates:
You may respond to that with the fact that "Cosmo" says 62 percent of men say it's okay to wade in during "shark week". I want to remind you that 100 percent of men asked in this "Cosmo" survey are okay taking surveys by Cosmo about menstrual sex. You don't need to have taken Stat 280 to realize that might not be a representative sample of the entire male population. In fact, I am highly doubtful that almost two-thirds of men will want to recreate Daniel Day Lewis' Oscar winning performance in "There Will Be Blood". It is my prediction that 90 percent of men's stomachs will react to the idea of period sex like they were going through horrible turbulence after eating airplane food. My recommendation is to ask your boyfriend what he feels. If he is up for the idea, tell that pervert to go jump in a lake, preferably one filled with blood.
I'm willing to bet a year's worth of tampons that this guy has never actually interacted with a real life vagina.
Disappointingly, his female co-columnist didn't tear him a new one for being both unfunny and sexist. Instead, she wrote a boring, cliche column, complete with "go with the flow'" and "sticky stituation" puns, in which she refers to period sex as an "admittedly somewhat controversial experience" since "there is a problem concerning the mess that could result from having period sex." WHAT. Really? Honey. Are you sleeping with your co-columnist? Because it sounds like some asshole has made you feel unnecessarily self-conscious in the past.
We've covered period sex before and how dudes who won't have period sex kind of suck, but let's reiterate: stained sheets can be annoying, but what's way more annoying — and way more of a turnoff — is a dude who acts like a middle schooler when it comes to menstruation. It's fine if period sex isn't your thing, but it's blood we're talking about here — not cooties — so act appropriately.