Fuck, Marry, Kill — the thought experiment that's a staple of school buses from coast to coast — can be a game of joyful possibility. But, with a few tweaks, the game can quickly turn from a fun romp through a mental photo album of shirtless Idris Elbas and Liam Hemsworths into a nightmarish trip through a land of horrifying worst case scenarios. Today, just because our messed-up brains randomly thought of it, we present you with the latter, a trio so terrible that your brain may need a shower afterward: Rick Santorum, Chris Brown, and Tucker Max.
Each of these dudes is awful in his own special way, but rules are rules: you must select one of them to make sweet, sweet, terrible love to, one of them to marry, and one of them to kill. Since we don't advocate murder of anyone, regardless of their level of douchitude, consider reserving "kill" for the game option you find most disagreeable player; the one you can't imagine fucking or marrying. Other than that, you know the rules: you must select one contestant to fuck, one to marry, and one to eliminate.
The case for fuck: If you're trying to get pregnant, he's your guy. The father of eight children, he's nothing if not good at sperm. And if you squint a little, he looks sort of like Jerry Seinfeld. That's sexy, right? Kind of?
The case for marry: The man's got some terrible political views, so talking politics with him would be a total drag. Plus, he's religious, so he'd constantly drag you to church. But if it's fidelity and devotion to family you're after, Rick Santorum delivers. Just don't be surprised when he expects you to quit your job so you can home school the kids and yells at you for buying little Rick Jr. a pink polo shirt.
The case for kill: He's a hateful, dangerous zealot brimming with sexual hang ups and desperately fighting to eliminate women's and gay rights, and he's in a political position of power.
The case for fuck: If his stories are to believed, he's had a lot of practice. But, in my experience, men who have women throwing themselves at them don't try as hard. Why should they? If you don't like it, there's a line of women out the door who just can't wait for some fucking mediocrity. Hatesex can be fun!
The case for marry: Tucker Max has no documented history of violence against women. And he's smart — a graduate of the University of Chicago and Duke Law. At the very least, you might be able to have some interesting smart people conversations without worrying that your life is in danger. But can you endure a lifetime of jokes about fat chicks and sluts that are sort of like Dane Cook turned up to 11?
The case for kill: He's made a fortune telling young, stupid people that being a drunken, rude mess is hilarious. What the world needs now is the opposite of that.
Verdict: Marry. Ugh.
The case for fuck: He's a good dancer, which means he knows how to move vertically. Although he sort of comes across like the kind of guy with such a pathological need for validation that he uses sex as yet another way to feel like he's the awesomest dude in the world. It would likely be a very selfish bone sesh.
The case for marry: He... has.... money? Fuck it; don't marry Chris Brown. Nobody should marry Chris Brown.
The case for kill: Brown is an spoiled, unapologetic domestic abuser with a shit eating grin and a penchant for throwing tantrums.
Verdict: Fuck. Awful, awful fuck.
That wasn't so bad, was it? Now go take a shower. And let's never speak of this day again.