Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we take stool samples of gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Lady Gaga's garage sale is gonna be awesome; Posh ate a plate of lettuce; and the editors at one magazine attempt to trick readers into thinking Jessica Simpson has already given birth.
"My First Days As A New Mom."
Interesting tactic here: Jessica Simpson has not yet given birth, but probably will before this issue — dated April 16 — leaves newsstands. So to get a jump on the competish, Ok! acts like the "beautiful girl" — which is still a fetus — has already been born. If you're standing in line at the grocery store, you might think, Oh, Jessica had the baby — after all, there's a pic of JSimp with a baby, right there on the cover — but that baby belongs to someone else. SHE HAS NOT HAD HER BABY YET. DO NOT BE FOOLED. As of right now, today, April 4, Jessica Simpson is stil pregnant and there are no quotes or pictures of her new baby in this magazine. "My First Days As A New Mom" is not a quote, she did not "open up" following the birth, etc. Just old quotes and old pictures and a bait-and-switch kind of trickery that you'd think would be illegal. Also inside: How Kate Hudson got her body back is not a story about a special ops raid conducted by her spirit to rescue her corpse, but a piece about her full gym at home, complete with Pilates machines, the private yoga lessions she takes for an hour every morning and the fact that she does salsa dancing two or three times a week as well as striptease aerobics. Lastly, Ashton Kutcher is pissed at Rihanna, because their secret rendez-vous became public. The man who cheated on his wife called her and said, "I can't trust you." Burn.
Grade: F (huge steaming pile of cow shit)
Life & Style
"The Proof Kim Cheated."
Kris Humphries wants to have one of those dramatic court room scenes in which everyone gasps. He's hoping to take Kim Kardashian to kourt where he'll reveal text messages which will show that KK "was still talking to her exes Reggie Bush and Kanye West, as well as other guys, during their marriage." I know you don't give a shit, so let's move on. Demi Moore and Gerard Butler are getting close again — they hooked up in the past — but since they are both recovering addicts, they have to be careful. "Three's A Crowd: Harry Moves In" is an article that reads like the synopsis for a wonderful new sitcom. Prince William and Duchess Kate have been married a little less than a year and are still in the honeymoon phase, but party boy Prince Harry is now living in a one-bedroom bachelor pad "few minutes" from the couples' cottage. As executive producer aiming to make good TV, I'll change his residence to over the garage, like Mike Seaver. Anyway, Kate loves Harry, but he's always trying to get William to come along for a wild night of boozing at the pub. Also Mr. Furley the landlord thinks Harry is gay. Cue hijinks! Finally, Heidi Klum has a new man: Thomas Hayo, a judge on Germany's Next Top Model. He was seen forking spaghetti into her mouth during a recent dinner and we've all seen Lady and the Tramp so we know what that means.
Grade: D- (cat shit)
"Kourtney & Khloe: Alone & Desperate."
Kourtney's "hopelessly immature boyfriend" Scott Disick was spotted partying in Miami with a "dozens" of girls. Drinking, chatting, etc. Meanwhile, Lamar and Khloe are "on the brink of a split" due to his "cruel decision" to put basketball before his "baby-hungry wife." Picture me eyerolling in an infinity mirror, because that sums up how I feel about this cover story. Moving on! Justin Bieber is jealous of James Franco, because Selena Gomez is shooting a flick called Spring Breakers with Franco and Vanessa Hudgens and she and Vanessa are "crushing on" James. Of course, the character James plays in the movie has nasty teeth, gross tattoos, and skanky hair, but whatever. FRANCO. Miley Cyrus is "hungry for attention," which is why she's been taking topless photos, gyrating wildly, obsessively exercising and so on. The sidebar reads, "she's embarrassing herself." Judgey! Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson had a secret wedding in their Beverly Hills home last month. She invited a small group of friends, an Italian restaurant did the catering, Jess wore a flowing white caftan, people cried. Boom. Ashlee Simpson wants to marry her boyfriend Vincent Piazza, but her parents asked her to hold off: This is Jessica's time to shine! Kate Middleton and Prince William are headed to Switzerland for a "baby-making" ski vacation. "Operation Royal Baby is well underway," says an insider who sounds like a freak. "Kim and Kris At War" features pictures from Hong Kong's WestEast magazine, in which Kris is supposed to be modeling but looks like a soldier with PTSD (See Fig. 1) Lady Gaga is having a garage sale! Apparently she started organizing her closets and storage units and has decided to hold a huge three-day sale in New York and donate the proceeds to various charities. Five bucks admission gets you the chance to buy some of her couture ensembles and vintage fashions. Lastly: "Kingston Should Be A Hair Model" exclamation point. (See Fig. 2)
Grade: D (dog shit)
"Love After Tragedy."
Michelle Willams and Jason Segel are totes happy in their new relationship. Michelle has told a friend: "I love him." They were set up by Busy Phillips — the three of them went to dinner, and then Busy "conspicuously left early," after which Michelle and Jason chatted, giggled and drank wine for hours. People are saying this is a good match and "Michelle doesn't do flings." Nice, happy news for a change! On page 45 of this issue there is a small item called "Posh Eats A Plate Of Lettuce." Just thought you should know. Last up: Kristen Wiig, Andy Samberg and Jason Sudeikis are all leaving Saturday Night Live at the end of the season. Time for more new talent!
Grade: C+ (sweet-smelling compost)
"Cheating Kim's Secret Lover Exposed!"
I dunno, man, I'm just so tired of this stuff. I can barely type the words "Kim was cheating with Kanye West while they were engaged" without nodding off and dreaming about puppies chasing Dayo Okeniyi through a field of wildflowers. But um, apparently Kris is going to ask the judge for an annulment and ask Kim for a $10 million payoff, blah blah blah. Also inside: Bobbi Kristina's family staged an intervention, and there were a lot of tears, but BK is still smoking pot, drinking and popping pills. Jenelle from Teen Mom got a boob job, making her the third Teen Mom to do so, and MTV is trying to put the kibosh on going under the knife. "MTV has an idea how they want the girls to come off, and big fake boobs isn't it," says a source. Won't someone think of the network's pure, spotless, pristine, flat-chested reputation! Chris Brown has sent a message to Ashton Kucther, warning him to stay away from Rihanna. Beyoncé and Jay-Z are going to renew their wedding vows in a simple but elegant ceremony at their mansion in Scarsdale. J-Woww and Roger are breaking up! She is "sick of him," "bored" and "over him." Kate Middleton's hoping to be pregnant by late spring, says the magazine that claimed she was pregnant with twins six months ago. Willow Smith's tumblr is called "being normal is ugly," and a psychologist who does not treat her says posts like "I live in my own hell" and "I think my thoughts are trying to murder me" are a cry for help. Antonio Banderas was seen partying with a "hot blonde" at a club in Cancun, and the lady was not Melanie Griffith. Finally, I leave you with my new band name: Steven Tyler's Second Toe. (See Fig. 3)
Grade: D+ (bird droppings)
Fig. 1, from In Touch
Fig. 2, from In Touch
Fig. 3, from Star