Between pink slime and beaver anuses and dead-bug frappuccinos and sawdust burgers, over the past couple of weeks I've learned some life-changing lessons about food. Specifically: Food is bad for you. Never ever eat food. So I'm doing this new cleanse right now where for every meal you just eat 3/4 cup of frozen air and then spend 15 minutes looking at a tablespoon of cayenne pepper. Oh, and you're also allowed to drink an unlimited amount of bug repellant. I've only been doing the cleanse for four days, you guys, and as far as I can tell, my body is already 100% dead-bug-free! Also I've been unconscious a lot, and all my teeth liquefied and I swallowed them. But it's worth it. NO BUGS.
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