Between pink slime and beaver anuses and dead-bug frappuccinos and sawdust burgers, over the past couple of weeks I've learned some life-changing lessons about food. Specifically: Food is bad for you. Never ever eat food. So I'm doing this new cleanse right now where for every meal you just eat 3/4 cup of frozen air and then spend 15 minutes looking at a tablespoon of cayenne pepper. Oh, and you're also allowed to drink an unlimited amount of bug repellant. I've only been doing the cleanse for four days, you guys, and as far as I can tell, my body is already 100% dead-bug-free! Also I've been unconscious a lot, and all my teeth liquefied and I swallowed them. But it's worth it. NO BUGS.
Most people who are allergic to chocolate aren't having a reaction to cocoa or any of chocolate's other official ingredients. No, the flare ups are most likely triggered by the ground-up cockroach parts that contaminate every batch.
According to ABC News, the average chocolate bar contains eight insect parts. Anything less than 60 insect pieces per 100 grams of chocolate (two chocolate bars' worth) is deemed safe for consumption by the Food and Drug Administration.
I mean, all jokes aside (that stuff up above was jokes), why is it such a big deal to eat completely undetectable bug parts? A lot of people in a lot of places eat insects and other crawly invertebrates on purpose—they're cheap, full of protein, and easy to raise. Plus, the only practical way to keep bug poop and cockroach parts out of your precious Cadbury Eggs is to spray the shit out of the cocoa beans with pesticides. And, I don't know, I'd rather munch a few cockroach faces (come on—they're like shrimp of the land!) than eat a Big Hunk covered in DDT or whatever.
And if you're still not okay with the idea of pulverized bug legs in your Snickers, well, tough shit:
Avoiding insects in your food is "almost impossible," Teich told ABC. "You probably would have to stop eating completely."
You're fucked. Just embrace the bugs. Eat it. EAT THE BUGS.
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