What Is the Point of Carson Daly?S

Animatronic Cardboard Boy Wonder Carson Daly made some tiny, tiny waves this week with his comments about Clayton Frederick Osbon, the JetBlue pilot who went bonkers during flight and started running around the cabin screaming about bombs and Jesus and "sins in Las Vegas" and taking a "leap of faith." The plane's passengers, who were not super jazzed about this behavior, wrestled Osbon to the ground. And Daly, for his part, is really glad that those pilot-subduing passengers weren't gay. That sentiment is, quite literally, the most interesting thing Carson Daly has ever said or done.

When Daly heard this tale of swashbucklery and gumption, he offered some hee-larious commentary about it on his morning radio program:

"Most of the people were on their way to some sort of security conference in Las Vegas," Daly said of several able-bodied passengers who held down Osbon in a matter of moments. "It was like a bunch of dudes, and well-trained dudes."

Daly implied that, given his luck, his neighbors in the sky wouldn't be as capable in wrangling the pilot.

"It would be like, 'This is the flight going to [the gay pride parade] in San Francisco.' I mean, that would be my colleagues," he said.

Oh ho ho! Touché! Because nobody's ever seen a homosexual with any muscles. Obviously they would just start crying and then hit the madman with a flower and then just give each other blowjobs until the plane crashed. Stupid gay guys.

Daly offered a half-assed apology on Twitter yesterday, saying, "This morning on my radio show I attempted to make fun of myself & offended others by mistake. I sincerely apologize." Oh, Daly. What a butterfingers! Pro tip: Next time you try to make fun of yourself, don't substitute "yourself" with "a plane full of totally faggy gay guys." Are you writing this down? Like, for example, while writing this article making fun of you, I'm constantly checking to make sure that I don't accidentally write an entire article about Mobutu Sese Seko. See how that works? Simple.

All of this, of course, raises one great big awkward question…Who the fuck is Carson Daly and why is he on my television??? Actually, you probably know the answer to the first question, but the second part is quite a mystery.

So, first, who the fuck is Carson Daly? Don't worry, I looked into it. Noted protocol droid Carson Daly was assembled in 1973 in Santa Monica, California. His mom was a bowl of cottage cheese and his dad was an empty paper towel roll. Growing up, Daly immersed himself in such hobbies as "envelopes" and "sitting still," eventually becoming so peerlessly innocuous that he earned his famous nickname, "Canada: The Man." He played golf at Santa Monica High School before enrolling at Loyola Marymount University, where he majored in turkey sandwiches. And a star was born.

In 1998, Daly began hosting MTV's Total Request Live, after which he proceeded to never do anything terrible, never do anything great, and never stop being on television. Daly's nightly infomercial pre-show, Last Call with Carson Daly, has apparently been on the air for ten years. Ten years! He also currently also hosts NBC's The Voice, runs a record label with Bam Margera, and harbors very strong feelings about St. Patrick's Day (he's PRO). According to Wikipedia, Carson Daly is worth 15 million human dollars.

Here's the thing about Carson Daly: NOTHING. He is the most Marlon-Bland-o non-event of a person in the history of cream of wheat. He has an honorary doctorate from Bland-eis university. At least Seacrest — that little imp! — has the decency to be a frothing dick on live television once in a while. I can't even be that mad about Daly's idiotic gay-guys-can't-fight comment, because I'm just so proud of him for finally doing something interesting. Like, last night at a bar, I told my friends about something that Carson Daly did and then we talked about it. It was unprecedented! Even Carson Daly hasn't done that!

Carson Daly is medium-handsome and probably not a monster. I actually don't dislike him. But does that mean that the dude ought to be on 17 concurrent television shows (plus morning radio) for the rest of time? Because I have this broken rice cooker with a wig on it that's never said anything insulting about gay people. Maybe it can be on NBC too!

UPDATE:

Today Carson Daly "and his team" issued this expanded and notably more remorseful statement:

We live in a time where gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals find courage every day to overcome adversity, stand up to bullying and find equality. I'm truly saddened that my words today suggested otherwise. I've long been a supporter of Gay and Lesbian rights, and I'm saddened that my comments, however unintentional, offended anyone, specifically members of the LGBT community. The fact that I have hurt anyone is devastating. I'm not that guy. I'm proud to be an ally of the LGBT community and will continue to fight with them.

...prompting this response from GLAAD: "While it's up to the public to judge the sincerity of Daly's sentiments here, GLAAD looks forward to taking him up on his offer to fight with us for the full equality of LGBT Americans." Yokey dokey. Glad we had this talk, everyone.