British People to Change 'Big Ben' to 'Big Beth' in Honor of the Queen

In honor of Queen Elizabeth not dying for hella long (you know what was always weird about the queen? Was how she was an old lady but then there was this even older old lady who was her mom!), the people of England have decided to name a biiiiiiiiiiiig clock after her. For Q-Liz's Diamond Jubilee (60 years on the job!), the clock tower at the Palace of Westminster-colloquially known as "Big Ben"-will be renamed "Elizabeth Tower." Catchy!

Says CNN:

"Big Ben" is officially the name of the 13.5 ton bell inside St Stephen's Tower, and not the name of the tower itself.

The bell rang out for the first time in July 1859 — but cracked two months later. Its chimes were silenced for the next four years, until a way was found to make it peal again in 1863 (by turning it slightly), however, the crack is still visible. Today it rings — in the key of E — each hour, while a series of quarter bells chime every 15 minutes.

It remains unclear whether the new name — Elizabeth Tower — will capture the public imagination, or if they will continue to refer to it as "Big Ben". However, jokers have already suggested a new nickname: "Big Beth."

First of all, Elizabeth Tower sounds like an apartment building in Brooklyn where you would definitely get murdered. Second of all, this is obviously a foolproof plan! I'm sure everyone in the world is going to effortlessly stop calling Big Ben "Big Ben." Just like how in 2009 they changed the name of the Sears Tower to the Willis Tower, and it totally caught on! That switcheroo worked so well, in fact, that most of the time I can't even remember the tower's original name. People will say something about the Sears Tower and I'll be like, "What? Oh, you talking ‘bout Willis?" (SORRY. SORRY SORRY SORRY. I'M SO SORRY.)

Anyway, as long as we're renaming globally famous landmarks willy-nilly, I have decided to rename the Golden Gate Bridge "Steve." Please make a note of it.