At Last: A Foolproof Guide to Cancer-Free Living!

New studies suggest that taking aspirin every day can help reduce your risk of cancer. Well that's easy, right? Take that, cancer! Run out and buy all the aspirin! Cancer is destroyed!

Not to pooh-pooh all over medical science — and I'm not calling these studies a liar and I'm all for people not getting cancer — but let's be honest. WE'RE ALL GOING TO GET CANCER. Like, at this point, doesn't it seem like everything in the world either gives you cancer or keeps you from getting cancer? So…isn't that kind of a wash? Could anyone on earth actually live their life in accordance with all of the anti-cancer precautions that the media/medical establishment/savvy marketers throw at us?

As an experiment, I decided to give it a try myself:

I wake up each morning in my windowless Singapore apartment. I'm a woman, which puts me at risk for all kinds of terrible girl-cancers, but Singapore has the lowest female cancer rate in the world, so I abandoned my family and moved here. Then I never spoke to them again (I don't use cell phones-who am I, Evel Knievel???).

Before even getting out of bed I eat 14 aspirin, a slice of multivitamin loaf (raw, natch), a pound of blueberries, and an entire bulb of garlic. I never drink apple or grape juice, or as I like to call them, liquid arsenic! And of course I don't drink milk! Instead, for breakfast I stick to cancer-preventing superfoods like sauerkraut, raw broccoli, and garlic-water. Pro tip: Sometimes I mix the three together and call it "cereal."

After my dust-bath (I never shower, because bath products can contain deadly phthalates, so I just have bags of cancer-free dirt imported from Libya), I spend a few hours not giving anyone a blowjob. In fact, sex in general is out. Then it's time for calisthenics. Some days I go outside in the sun, but other days I do crunches indoors in complete darkness—just to keep the skin cancer on its toes. When I do go outside, I stay away from grass and plants of all kinds, because they're covered in cancer-causing pesticides.

Then it's lunchtime! I make it a rule only to eat foods that are 100% not strawberries, not rice, not chicken, not any other meat besides chicken, not fried, not grilled, not baked, not roasted, not cooked at all, not from China, and also not from not-China. A typical lunch for me is 400 grapes.

After lunch I work on my beauty regime. I never use hair dye, get gel manicures, dry clean my clothes, straighten my hair, or use a tanning bed, and even though I hate my cup size I would never get breast implants. Instead I just stuff my bra with artichokes and coat my hair with mashed salmon. It keeps my locks looking sleek and lustrous, plus it attracts marauding bears (bears scare away cancer)!

For dinner I eat my leftover hair-salmon and boob-artichokes (both raw, duh). There's typically a lot of my hair still stuck in the salmon, but did you know that human hair is organic? Score! At bedtime, if I have trouble sleeping, I never smoke marijuana or take sleeping pills—instead I prefer to toast a few pounds of brazil nuts and let my own rhythmic munching lull me to sleep.

It's just that simple, people! The only major drawback to leading such a complicated lifestyle is the constant stress. Oh, wait. Fuck. Fuck you, cancer.