Are you starting to plan ahead about what to get your mom for Mother's Day? Well, here's a suggestion: Don't get her Mitt Romney In His Own Words, a newly-announced collection of Mitt Romney quotes which promises to be the worst gift since Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes. The publisher says the quote-filled tome, due out in May, will be done in the style of I, Steve, the book of Steve Jobs wisdom—because Mitt has the exact same kinds of genius insights and inspirational stories to share, I guess? It's being compiled by the same guy who compiled a LeBron James quote book, so we're in good hands. Here's a sample of the kind of magic that will be included:
I do not define my candidacy by my religion. A person should not be elected because of his faith nor should he be rejected because of his faith.
Positively electrifying! I wonder if they'll organize it so that his many conflicting statements are put side-by-side? Probably not, because Simon & Schuster, the book's publisher, says it is "pro-Romney" but has not been authorized by Romney. It may be totally boring, but one thing's for sure: this book is going to be versatile. You can do all kinds of things with it:
- Use it to cure severe cases of insomnia.
- Use it to train the robot you built in your garage to talk like a human, sort of.
- Tie your dog to it—hey, why not, as Mitt will tell you, dogs are fine with being strapped to any old object, even if it happens to be hurtling down a highway at a terrifying speed.
- Play a party game where you pick a quote randomly and then add the words "in bed" to them.
- Buy two copies, attach some straps to them, and voila! You've got yourself a homemade pair of flip-flops.
See how versatile it will be? Much more so than the book that Santorum will probably rush out just to compete with his nemesis—that one you'll only want to use for kindling.