This Week in Tabloids: Johnny Depp Spotted Stumbling Out of Ashley Olsen's Loft After Hot Hookup

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we check out the hot, new, colorful gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Jennifer Lopez is hellbent on proving she is the Liz Taylor of our time by getting married again; Reese Witherspoon's uterus is occupied; Megan Fox has spent more than your yearly salary on plastic surgery and she's still not happy; and Ashley Olsen banged Johnny Depp like a screen door in a hurricane.



This Week in Tabloids: Johnny Depp Spotted Stumbling Out of Ashley Olsen's Loft After Hot Hookup

Ok!
"The Hunger Games' Secret Romance."
Um, the secret is not a secret; Jennifer Lawrence is dating the kid from About A Boy; Liam Hemsworth is dating Miley Cyrus, Josh Hutcherson is single. The only other vaguely interesting thing in this issue is a line on the Jessica Simpson story which reads, "Maybe Baby Will Look Like Mom." As opposed to what? Looking like Oprah or Fred Astaire?
Grade: F (pond scum greenish-brown)


This Week in Tabloids: Johnny Depp Spotted Stumbling Out of Ashley Olsen's Loft After Hot Hookup

Life & Style
"Don't Believe Kim's Lies."
You know that feeling when your friend dates a guy, and you're not that into him, but you tolerate him, and then they break up, and you're relieved you don't have to see his dumb face anymore, and then you run into him on the street and you just look the other way because UGH, DUDE, your life was better when you'd forgotten he existed? That is how I feel about this cover stroy. Zero tolerance. Moving on: Angelina and Brad play Good Cop/Bad Cop with the kids and ANGIE is the Good Cop, guys. She buys Funyuns and candy and toy swords, and Brad is the one who has to be like, no, you may NOT have another lollipop, and stop pretending your sister is a POW. Kim Zolciak has big news: She is knocked up again. Her new baby and her current baby, KJ, will be 15 months apart. My sister and brother are 11 months apart. Some people don't like to waste time. Speaking of birthin' babies, Victoria Beckham is battling post-partum depression. She's not eating, he's exhausted, she's "pin-thin," etc. An insider says: "Victoria doesn't have a team of nannies. She wants to do it all herself." Maybe not a team, like a baseball team, but certainly one or two, no? I mean, come on. I refuse to believe that Posh doesn't have her own Mary Poppins with a talking parrot umbrella.
Grade: D- (bruise purple)


This Week in Tabloids: Johnny Depp Spotted Stumbling Out of Ashley Olsen's Loft After Hot Hookup

In Touch
"Courtney & Emily's Dirty Secrets."
This cover story can be summed up thusly: NO1CURR. But it does claim that 28-year-old Courtney has had a boob job, filers, laser surgery and Botox. Also inside: Jennifer Aniston is SO DESPERATE to be a mom that she is "mothering" Justin Theroux: Controlling his social life. Fixing his hair. Directing his career. Dictating his style. Pretty sure this is called "being a supportive girlfriend." In truly scandalous news, Johnny Depp had a "secret slumber party" with Ashley Olsen. That's right. On February 27, he was spotted coming out of her building "looking like he didn't want to be seen" after spending all night there. Apparently Ashley gives "wild, all-night parties in her apartment four times a week," which is what I would do if I were a 25-year-old multi-millionaire without a day job. Anyway, as the editors point out, Ashley is totally Johnny's type, because she's a young, "trendy waif." Plus! This is not in the mag, but worth noting: They are both Geminis. Double your pleasure. Next: Megan Fox has spent $60K on plastic surgery and she's still insecure. (See Fig. 1) Lastly, someone tell Tyra Banks she had better start America's Next Top Feline Model, because this cat knows how to smize like the rent is due tomorrow. (See Fig. 2)
Grade: C (urine yellow)


This Week in Tabloids: Johnny Depp Spotted Stumbling Out of Ashley Olsen's Loft After Hot Hookup

Us
"Reese Is Pregnant!"
Us is the undisputed reigning champ of Unsolicted Uterus Updates; we're just getting used to Snooki being with chylde and now Reese Witherspoon is about 12 weeks along, according to an unnamed source. Because, you know, all ladies care about is spawning or hearing about famous people spawning. Husband Jim Toth wasn't that into kids until he met Reese, and now he's loving her progeny, Ava and Deacon, and they're all going to be one happy family, and not in a "movie-star" way. In other news, everyone except for you has a one-dotted-arm Stella McCartney dress (See Fig. 3) Revenge fans, please note, Emily and Josh/Daniel are still together IRL and pretty damn cute (See Fig. 4) You guys know he's British, right? Also inside: Courtney and Ben from The Bachelor are moving in together. MInka Kelly and Wilmer Valder-drama are playing hide the chorizo. "I wouldn't say they're boyfriend and girlfriend," syas a "pal," "but he's started ignoring calls from some of his other girls." Valiant! Advice from Renee Grazino: "Never ever rat on your family." Finally, kind of love this item called "How Stars Get Hacked": "It's easy to guess security question answers by Googling their birthdays and dogs' names," says hacker turned celebrity security expert Gregory D. Evans. Time to change your Scruffy85 password, guys.
Grade: B (sky blue)


This Week in Tabloids: Johnny Depp Spotted Stumbling Out of Ashley Olsen's Loft After Hot Hookup

Star
"J.Lo Married In Mexico!"
Okay, misleading coverline, since the story inside says Jennifer Lopez WILL get married in Mexico, but has not yet. The ceremony will be hush-hush. But: "Everyone in Jennifer's inner circle thinks she's lost her mind." a source claims. Still, she wants Casper to be her husband, and would like for the two of them to get hitched on a yacht. On March 12, Roberto Cavalli tweeted, "Today Jennifer Lopez call me… She ask me. To create a special dress. For her next wedding." Cavalli's rep insists his Twitter was hacked, but a source says Jen called her mom and sister and a few friends and told them she plans to wed. She will get a pre-nup, however, so I say fucking go for it, seriously, I am behind this 200%, so sick of older guys with younger ladies and ready for a new era of older ladies with hot young dudes. Make it happen, Jenny! Also inside: Ray J has "a ton" of sexually explicit photos and video of his late girlfriend Whitney Houston, and her family is begging him not to release — or worse, sell — anything. Wes Bentley has gone "from heroin to Hunger Games," and I for one, am excited to see he and his blue, blue eyes are back. Meanwhile, Brad Pitt is obsessed with Jennifer Lawrence. He saw Winter's Bone and an advance screener of Hunger Ganes and "he just flipped." He's dying to work with her, and Angie is pissed/jealous/sore. Blind item! "Which blonde female pop star, who's busy planning her wedding, might just be planning a baby shower first?" Wait, other than Jessica Simpson? Britney? Christina? Seems possible and unsurprising for both. But are they the only two blonde pop stars we have left? WTF happened? Didn't America used to have an ARMY of blonde female pop stars? Sigh.
Grade: B (pale pink)


Addendum

This Week in Tabloids: Johnny Depp Spotted Stumbling Out of Ashley Olsen's Loft After Hot Hookup

Fig. 1, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: Johnny Depp Spotted Stumbling Out of Ashley Olsen's Loft After Hot Hookup

Fig. 2, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: Johnny Depp Spotted Stumbling Out of Ashley Olsen's Loft After Hot Hookup

Fig. 3, from Us

This Week in Tabloids: Johnny Depp Spotted Stumbling Out of Ashley Olsen's Loft After Hot Hookup

Fig. 4, from Us