This Week In Tabloids: Kanye Kourts Kim Kardashian For Both Bed and Business PurposesS

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we search for unblemished "news" in the pages of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Angelina is pregnant with twin boys and planning a wedding; Jennifer Aniston is pregnant and planning a wedding; and Kanye West is planning Total World Domination — starting with Kim Kardashian.


This Week In Tabloids: Kanye Kourts Kim Kardashian For Both Bed and Business PurposesS

Ok!
"Finally… Mrs. Brad Pitt!"
Don't you loooove a cover with all kinds of crazy trickery on it? Angelina and Brad are vaguely dressed like bride and groom, and the type screams, "IT'S OFFICIAL!" and "WEDDING OF THE YEAR," even though it is not official and therefore cannot be wedding of the year. But this mag doesn't dwell on things like reality and truth, instead claiming that Angie and Brad will get married "before the arrival of their twin boys," and declaring that "Angie has no qualms about being a pregnant bride." The twins are due in the fall, so there's a bit of a time crunch, but the wedding will be lovely and "fuss-free" and take place at Chateau Mirval. Nothing you haven't heard before. Moving on: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were "really touchy-feely" backstage after his fashion show in Paris, and later, they secretly met for drinks in his hotel room. In J'Anthrax news, someone told Jen Aniston that they'd seen Justin Theroux "looking very cozy" with two women at Chateau Marmont, and "Jen went beserk." Except no one says beserk anymore. Last, but not least, there are so many ads parading as editorial in this mag — from a Kate Moss/Dior lip color "story" to a piece titled "Get Ready For Beach Season With QuickTrim!" that some kind of law or guideline must be getting broken. Will someone look into that?
Grade: F (pilonidal cyst)


This Week In Tabloids: Kanye Kourts Kim Kardashian For Both Bed and Business PurposesS

Life & Style
"Wedding & A Baby!"
An eyewitness says that Oscar week, Jennifer Aniston "couldn't stop smiling" and "her body looked softer" like she "had a baby bump." Apparently industry people in Hollywood think she looks pregnant and so on and so forth. She will get married on a beach somewhere, because "heat" is her element. Ha, magickal, Jen, wanna get together and call the corners? Next, Ben and Courtney from The Bachelor are "faking it," and the day before the finale aired, Ben got a massage in a park from a "cute girl who straddled him." (See Fig. 1) Kim Kardashian flew more than 20 hours and 10,000 miles roundtrip to attend Kanye West's fashion show in Paris. "She went specifically for Kanye," says a source. She sat in the front row at the show, wearing shoes he'd given her (the ones Jenna despises) and Kanye lavished her with attention. In other news, Owen Wilson is dating Dancing With The Stars' Karina Smirnoff, which seems random, and Eva Longoria is single again after breaking up with Eduardo Cruz, but is "a survivor," so everything should be fine.
Grade: D- (sebaceous cyst on back)


This Week In Tabloids: Kanye Kourts Kim Kardashian For Both Bed and Business PurposesS

Star
"42 Best & Worst Beach Bodies"
Christ. Here we go again. It is total bullshit that women are not allowed to enjoy fun in the sun unless they have what a few unseen editors deem to be a "good" body. Everyone knows that if you are alive and have the use of your limbs, you have a "beach body," as in, one that can go to the beach. Actually, you could even be dead! A dead body on a beach is a beach body! Weekend At Bernie's, anyone? But Coco, Queen Latifah, Naomi Watts and Scarlett Johansson are declared "Beach Bombs." (See Fig. 2) Some people are greyhounds, some people are bulldogs. Would you ban bulldogs from going to the beach? Also, ALL OF THESE PEOPLE LOOK FINE. Zooming in on Sarah Hyland's 21-year-old ass should be a fucking crime. Blowing a gasket here, so let's move on. Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz are friends again. As you may recall, they were not speaking to each other because Cammie dated A-Rod right after Kate did. But Cam now says, "I'd never let a guy come between me and my friends." So. Snooki might be forced into a shotgun wedding — her family is furious that she got pregnant and doesn't like the idea of her having a baby out of wedlock. Also, Season 6 of Jersey Shore was supposed to start filming in May, but it's on hold, "because you can't have Jersey Shore without Snooki." What might happen is Snooki will get married on TV. Stay tuned. Bobbi Kristina is engaged to Whitney Houston's "adopted" son Nick Gordon. Cough. Ben from The Bachelor is dating a San Fran lady named Alison McGlone and not his fake TV fiancée. And finally, Rumer Willis and Ashton Kucther were seen hanging out together at some nightclub; they have remained friends since Demi Moore filed for divorce and insiders claim Rumer doesn't want to take sides — she had to do that when Demi and Bruce broke up. Sniffle.
Grade: D- (eye stye)


This Week In Tabloids: Kanye Kourts Kim Kardashian For Both Bed and Business PurposesS

In Touch
"Humiliated By Their Men"
Dumped. Dissed. Ditched. The Kardashians are a mess. Kim was "used by Reggie and dumped." But at least she had a "revenge hookup with Kanye." Scott has moved out, leaving Kourtney upset, but a friend says, "They're best off apart." And! Lamar blames Khloe for his basketball troubles. Let's move on. Jada Pinkett Smith is "alone and miserable," maybe because she regrets the night Will Smith walked in on her with Marc Anthony and fled. "It's morphed from Jada's dream home into her personal prison," says someone. Meanwhile, the mag tries to stir up trouble in Hunger Games land, accusing Jennifer Lawrence of attempting to steal Miley Cyrus's man, Liam Hemsworth. (Despite the fact that JLaw has a boyfriend, the dude from About A Boy.) Anyway, Miley is trying to keep Liam interested, and is telling him she wants to have his baby. Wouldn't surprise me one bit if she announced she was pregnant tomorrow. Angelina Jolie is "smoking, drinking and bursting into tears," upset at the bad press she's been getting for sticking her leg out. Mariah Carey is now a size 4, says a story that's actually an ad for Jenny Craig. Last, but not least, Jessica Simpson will name her unborn daughter Maxwell Johnson, and call her Maxi, which means the kids on the playground will call her Maxi Pad. Sad but true.
Grade: D (zit)


This Week In Tabloids: Kanye Kourts Kim Kardashian For Both Bed and Business PurposesS

Us
"Liar Liar!"
Ben and Courtney are actors! Acting like they are in love! Their body language says it all! Lies! Trickery! J'accuse! Also, she is wearing gloves in one proposal shot and not in another! (See Fig. 3) Apparently backstage at the Women Tell All special a Los Angeles Times reporter overheard Courtney being coached by producers to be more sympathetic. "I don't know if I can show that emotion again," she said. The producer replied, "You have to." OH SNAP. Also inside: Eva Mendes wants Ryan Gosling to move in with her. Get in line, bitch. Sorry. She also offered to watch his dog, George, while he's filming in Bangkok, which is a huge deal to him. "He doesn't leave that dog with just anyone," says a source. Michelle Williams was spotted on a date with Jason Segel, and it might be platonic, but we approve of that match. Finally, Kanye West is "crushing on Kim," is obsessed with her and would marry her. Kim is always the one doing the chasing, so she's charmed that he is pursuing her. Kanye thinks she's smart and a great businesswoman and "envisions the two of them running this dynasty together." Actually, I can envision that as well: They'll name the company SADIDO™, as in Self Absorbed Day In Day Out, and it will involve fragrances, music, toilet paper made from vintage Louis Vuitton scarves and so on. Apparently as an only child, Kanye loves Kim's big family, so, yeah, fuck it, I'm on board. KanKim. Yedash. Kandashian. Whatever. Ye can finally get married at the mall. She can order fish fillet.
Grade: C (skin tag)


Addendum

This Week In Tabloids: Kanye Kourts Kim Kardashian For Both Bed and Business PurposesS

Fig. 1, from Life & Style

This Week In Tabloids: Kanye Kourts Kim Kardashian For Both Bed and Business PurposesS

Fig. 2, from Star

This Week In Tabloids: Kanye Kourts Kim Kardashian For Both Bed and Business PurposesS

Fig. 3, from Us