Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we search for unblemished "news" in the pages of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Angelina is pregnant with twin boys and planning a wedding; Jennifer Aniston is pregnant and planning a wedding; and Kanye West is planning Total World Domination — starting with Kim Kardashian.
"Finally… Mrs. Brad Pitt!"
Don't you loooove a cover with all kinds of crazy trickery on it? Angelina and Brad are vaguely dressed like bride and groom, and the type screams, "IT'S OFFICIAL!" and "WEDDING OF THE YEAR," even though it is not official and therefore cannot be wedding of the year. But this mag doesn't dwell on things like reality and truth, instead claiming that Angie and Brad will get married "before the arrival of their twin boys," and declaring that "Angie has no qualms about being a pregnant bride." The twins are due in the fall, so there's a bit of a time crunch, but the wedding will be lovely and "fuss-free" and take place at Chateau Mirval. Nothing you haven't heard before. Moving on: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were "really touchy-feely" backstage after his fashion show in Paris, and later, they secretly met for drinks in his hotel room. In J'Anthrax news, someone told Jen Aniston that they'd seen Justin Theroux "looking very cozy" with two women at Chateau Marmont, and "Jen went beserk." Except no one says beserk anymore. Last, but not least, there are so many ads parading as editorial in this mag — from a Kate Moss/Dior lip color "story" to a piece titled "Get Ready For Beach Season With QuickTrim!" that some kind of law or guideline must be getting broken. Will someone look into that?
Grade: F (pilonidal cyst)
Life & Style
"Wedding & A Baby!"
An eyewitness says that Oscar week, Jennifer Aniston "couldn't stop smiling" and "her body looked softer" like she "had a baby bump." Apparently industry people in Hollywood think she looks pregnant and so on and so forth. She will get married on a beach somewhere, because "heat" is her element. Ha, magickal, Jen, wanna get together and call the corners? Next, Ben and Courtney from The Bachelor are "faking it," and the day before the finale aired, Ben got a massage in a park from a "cute girl who straddled him." (See Fig. 1) Kim Kardashian flew more than 20 hours and 10,000 miles roundtrip to attend Kanye West's fashion show in Paris. "She went specifically for Kanye," says a source. She sat in the front row at the show, wearing shoes he'd given her (the ones Jenna despises) and Kanye lavished her with attention. In other news, Owen Wilson is dating Dancing With The Stars' Karina Smirnoff, which seems random, and Eva Longoria is single again after breaking up with Eduardo Cruz, but is "a survivor," so everything should be fine.
Grade: D- (sebaceous cyst on back)