Dallas Flight Attendant Freaks the Fuck OutS

American Airlines has just pulled ahead in the race to find new and devious ways of making air travel as inconvenient and terrifying as possible with news that a Chicago-bound flight was delayed in Dallas for one whole hour after a flight attendant hijacked (whoops!) the intercom and told patients that a) she was no longer responsible for the plane's mechanical integrity because b) the plane was definitely going to crash.

Passengers described the flight attendant's behavior as "strange" and erratic leading up to the frantic foretelling of doom that compelled other crew members to wrestle her to the floor. Said passenger Whitney Bressler,

She was acting weird from the very beginning. When we first got on the plane she was asking the passenger next to me if we were in Houston and where we were going. We kind of thought she was just making a joke.

Bressler continued that, even as the plane was taxiing down the runway, the flight attendant began making disjointed announcements over the intercom about additional cross-checks, which elicited laughter from passengers who thought she'd accidentally left the intercom on and that they were privy to the sort confidential conversation that is to air travelers what The Jungle is to hot dog enthusiasts. Concern mounted when the flight attendant started saying that the plane would crash and that she didn't "want it to crash on her watch," or, I'm assuming, somewhere on the frozen stretch of Midwestern soil between Dallas and Chicago.

Dallas authorities say that the woman was taken to a local hospital with one of the other flight attendants who tried to restrain her. Local and federal officials do not anticipate any criminal charges to be filed, fueling speculation that the woman suffered a mental breakdown. One passenger claimed that the flight attendant even described herself as bi-polar and insinuated that she hadn't taken her medication, which is right about the moment in a thriller when the cabin door closes with a dramatic, sucking thunk, assuring the audience that they too should buckle up because they may experience some unexpected... Turbulence, coming to a theater near you whenever the first movie studio contacts me about the crazed-flight-attendant-who's-actually-a-Homeland-Security-officer-trying-to-ferret-out-a-terrorist-with-a-clever-ruse movie I'm writing as of right...now.

Flight attendant's outburst delays flight [CNN]