Your Sarcastic Dick-Related Legislation RoundupS

With all this talk of personhood and vaginal punishment-probes and the general whorishness who use birth control that's paid for by insurance, a beautiful trend has arisen from the smoldering remains of common sense. Unable to fight fire with facts, progressive lawmakers facing dizzyingly retro abortion and contraception legislation are fighting back with dick jokes. Here's a roundup of the cock quips wrought by the insanity of 2012 mass conservative deployment to America's ladyparts. Let's all laugh so we don't cry.

Rep. Stacey Newman, a Democrat from Richmond Heights, Missouri, responded to her state legislature's non-binding resolution condemning the Obama administration's birth control mandate by writing a condemnation of her own— against vasectomy. She and nine other women signed on as cosponsors of HB 1853, which reads, in part,

In determining whether a vasectomy is necessary, no regard shall be made to the desire of a man to father children, his economic situation, his age, the number of children he is currently responsible for, or any danger to his wife or partner in the event a child is conceived. A vasectomy shall only be performed to avert the death of the man or avert serious risk of substantial and irreversible physical impairment of a major bodily function of the man. No such condition shall be deemed to exist if it is based on a diagnosis or claim of a mental or emotional condition of the man or that the man will purposefully engage in conduct which he intends to result in his death or in substantial and irreversible physical impairment of a major bodily function.

Perhaps they'd be convinced to forego a vasectomy if they were only forced to view images of their sperm swimming around, not a care in the world, their whole lives in front of them. But, overall, well played, Stacey Newman.

Our next stop on Dick Joke Tour 2012 brings us to Delaware, where the Wilmington City Council actually passed a resolution this weekend that barred men from allowing their sperm to die. The brilliant bit of snarklaw declared that each "sperm-person" and "egg-person" are conferred upon them equal rights to other dependent minors. Loretta Walsh, the council member responsible for the declaration, justified the expanded definition of "person" by saying "What's good for the goose is good for the gander." I love it when folksy sayings can be reappropriated to deliver political smackdowns, but I especially love that saying because it makes me think of geese wearing pinafores and overalls arguing over birth control.

In Georgia, where legislators are currently considering a "fetal pain" law, Democratic Representative Yasmin Neal suggested,

Thousands of children are deprived of birth in this state every year because of the lack of state regulation over vasectomies. It is patently unfair that men can avoid unwanted fatherhood by presuming that their judgment over such matters is more valid than the judgment of the General Assembly, while women's ability to decide is constantly up for debate throughout the United States.

As such, Neal's proposal would ban the procedure unless a man's health was at risk.

Oklahoma State Senator Constance Johnson has struck twice on Tour de Coq. First, she famously attached an amendment to state's Personhood law that would have made it illegal for men to ejaculate in any place besides the inside of a woman's vagina. But she followed that up by attempting to amend the legislating by adding the following language to the bill—

In the spirit of shared responsibility in issues of reproduction, if a woman declares that she is pregnant non-consensually, the sperm donor shall be required to undergo a statutorily mandated vasectomy, shall be fined Twenty-five Thousand Dollars ($25,000.00), and shall also be financially responsible for the offspring of such pregnancy until the age of twenty-one (21).

I kind of want to high five her.

Women aren't alone in their quest for the most cutting sarcastic law. Johnson's colleague, Oklahoma Democrat Jim Wilson, also pointed out how silly the concept of "personhood" is by trying to amend the legislation to require the father of the nonborn "person" to assume financial responsibility for the expectant mother's health care bills, housing, care, and nourishment. Of course the amendment failed, because fuck women and their original sinmaking sinpots. Or something.

But the grandmother of all the sarcastic legislation, the one that started it all this political season, was penned by Virginia Democrat Janet Howell, who suggested that since the state was so interested in what was going on inside a sexual woman's tubes, they should also consider what's happening inside of men. Her suggestion was that since women were required to have unnecessary ultrasounds before a legal medical procedure, men should also receive unnecessary ultrasounds before receiving Viagra— in the butt. The measure was narrowly defeated.

As could be predicted, while these proposals were met with hearty guffaws and high fives on the left, they were met with stern faced tongue-clicking from the Very Serious anti-abortion lawmakers who Don't Find This Funny At All, Not One Bit on the right. There's nothing funny or ironic at all about the notion of saving babies by treating women like incompetent children. These sassy lady legislators better watch themselves. If they keep behaving improperly, they could wind up being forced to have transvaginal ultrasounds before being sworn in to their next term in office.

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