Teen Exorcists Shopping Reality Show Can't Possibly Be FakingS

A trio of teens say they're such seasoned exorcists that they're able to tell just by looking at someone whether or not the devil resides within. Their reverend mentor says they've exorcised scores of people in their young lives. I say that watching them explain all of this to Anderson Cooper is like a Mean Girls fever dream, but with robots and curling irons.

The Teen Exorcism Squad appeared on Anderson today to talk about their burgeoning careers. Seventeen-year-olds Brynn and Tess and 20-year-old Savannah are the proteges of the Extraordinarily Reverend Bob Larsen, a Texas preacher who says he's personally cast out 15,000 demons during his devilpunching career. The girls say they've learned the fine art of exorcism from him, relying on his guidance as a wrangler of the invisible to pick up on the finer points of kicking the demons out.

Brynne, who is Larson's daughter, made her exorcism debut at age 13, at a bizarre-sounding event in Africa. Tess followed shortly thereafter, exorcising a 15-year-old friend of Brynne's at a sleepover after noticing that "the devil had gotten some hooks in her." Savannah says she spends hours every week training for exorcisms, and that after all that training and exorcising and devil unhooking, the girls say that they've got a pretty reliable system for telling if someone is possessed that they were happy to share with Cooper.

First, the possessed tend to have terrible splitting headaches for no reason. Second, pupils of people possessed by Satan tend to "dilate sporadically," like a hypnotized cartoon character. Third, just look for the evil. It's there for the seeing!

Anderson, to put it lightly, seemed incredulous. Wouldn't you be? The girls sound like they're auditioning for roles in Purity Bear: Fourth of July Orgy. Their talking voices sound as though they're reading their lines from a Guideposts magazine during a special church service for kids.

Another nail in this stunt's bullshit coffin is the fact that these girls and their mentor are currently shopping a reality show about a trio of teen exorcists. You can't blame them for trying — after all, they've got all the important elements of a successful crazy reality show down pat: teenage girls, extreme religious ideology, the supernatural, senior portrait hair, chirpiness and Satan.

I'd probably watch.

How the teens got involved in exorcism [Anderson]