Last week, Virginia Republican Dave Albo entertained a crowd of his legislature buddies with a hilarious House floor story of how his wife wouldn't have sex with him because of Virginia's Mandatory Ultrasound Bill. Many were upset that locker room talk was occurring on the taxpayer's dime, and one reader wrote to tell him how irritated she was by his antics. He wrote back. Unnecessary quotation marks and legendary levels of not getting it ensued.

For those following along at home, after a contentious couple of weeks, Albo added an amendment to Virginia's controversial mandatory ultrasound bill that would allow women seeking abortions to decline an invasive transvaginal ultrasound. How big of him.

What followed, though, were some bullshit antics on the floor of the chamber that likely embarrassed his wife and doomed his son to decades of "your mom won't fuck your dad!" based bullying. To make a long story short: he went home after the vote and tried to seduce his wife, but she was so turned off by the word "transvaginal" (or, as Albo puts it, "trans v," because it's important that lawmakers trying to regulate vaginas be incapable of saying the word "vagina") that she wouldn't let him do sex on her. Alert reader Laura wrote to tell him that she was upset by the comedy routine and his party's attempted foray into vaginal administration, and he wrote back.

————— Forwarded message —————
From: Dave Albo
Date: Mon, Feb 27, 2012 at 12:01 PM
Subject: Re: your "comedy routine" in the House
To: XXXXXXX

Dear Laura,

Thanks for sending me a message on this. I am not sure where you heard or saw the story I told, but most sources don't mention:

Last week, well prior to my story, the House fixed the bill you reference by allowing women to refuse internal ultrasounds. In fact, I was the Patron and Co-Author of the compromise amendment, which made the internal ultrasounds optional and specifically allow the woman to refuse. Just in case you don't believe me, I reprinted the relevant portions below. And in case you still doubt me, I put a link to the legislative web site so you can see it for yourself.

The speech was during our informal "Morning Hour" where Delegates welcome hometown guests, make announcements, tell stories and sometimes discuss current events prior to starting work on bills. My speech poked fun at me and gave a humorous look at our lives as Delegates. We get caught up in the rhetoric down here in Richmond, and when we go home, our families and friends remind us what "normal" people think. It seemed to "hit a chord" with the members because both Republicans and Democrats stood and clapped. They knew exactly what it's like to go home and have your spouse give you his/her opinion of what really matters.

Sorry you did not like it. Maybe I should "leave the comedy to the professionals."

Here is the information on how the bill was amended.

http://leg1.state.va.us/cgi-bin/legp504.exe?121+ful+SB484H2
SENATE BILL NO. 484
FLOOR AMENDMENT IN THE NATURE OF A SUBSTITUTE
(Proposed by Delegate Albo on February 22, 2012)
(Patrons Prior to Substitute—Senators Vogel and Smith [SB 279])
A BILL to amend and reenact § 18.2-76 of the Code of Virginia, relating to ultrasound requirement as part of informed consent for abortion.

§ 18.2-76. Informed written consent required; civil penalty.
A. Before performing any abortion or inducing any miscarriage or terminating a pregnancy as provided in §§ 18.2-72, 18.2-73 or § 18.2-74, the physician shall obtain the informed written consent of the pregnant woman….
B. At least 24 hours before the performance of an abortion, a qualified medical professional … shall perform fetal transabdominal ultrasound imaging on the patient undergoing the abortion for the purpose of determining gestational age… If gestational age cannot be determined by a transabdominal ultrasound, then the patient undergoing the abortion shall be verbally offered other ultrasound imaging to determine gestational age, which she may refuse. A print of the ultrasound image shall be made to document the measurements that have been taken to determine the gestational age of the fetus…

Dave

Oh, Dave. Expecting to be congratulated for giving women of Virginia the right to refuse to be penetrated for no medical reason before an abortion is like me expecting to be congratulated for not setting my neighborhood American Apparel on fire every time I walk by it. Or successfully not shooting anyone for 28 consecutive years. Or succeeding in not stealing other people's dogs.

And telling a story about the implications of abortion legislation on your personal dick is completely tone deaf and assy, not to mention a disturbing testament to just how unaffected by abortion restrictions the middle aged men who make laws actually are. For Virginia women, it's a matter of having something inserted into their vaginas for no reason. For the men making the laws, it's just another catalyst for a hilarious anecdote told over a game of golf.