This Week In Tabloids: Christina Aguilera Only Gets Out of Bed to Get Wasted AgainS

Welcome back to Midweek Madness. Every Wednesday, we brave the thorny tabloid thickets in search of juicy and delicious fruits of gossip blossoming from Star, In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style and Us. This week, Adele's living situation is Downton Abbey-esque; Kim Kardashian is getting married again; Kourtney Kardashian's unborn fetus will be a girl; and Christina Aguilera is, like many of us wish we could be, boozing all night and sleeping all day.


This Week In Tabloids: Christina Aguilera Only Gets Out of Bed to Get Wasted AgainS

Life & Style
"I'm Such A Fool!"
The article inside is titled "STABBED in the Heart!" and someday some celebrity will ACTUALLY be stabbed in the heart and then L&S will be the mag that cried wolf. Anyway. Katy Perry is allegedly distraught that her soon-to-be-ex-husband Russell Brand is having the sex with a new ladyfriend. He is acting "as if their 14-month marriage never happened," according to the mag, because, you know, having the sex with a new ladyfriend after breaking up with your wife is simply not allowed. Anyway! A "friend" says Russell has "gone off the rails" because women hand him phone numbers and he takes them. Eyeroll. Let's move on. Ray J's new book alleges that Kim Kardashian pursued him and had sex with him while she was still with her first husband, Damon Thomas. The article asks this burning question about KK: "Is She Undateable?" Lea Michele and Cory Monteith are dating; they were seen holding hands, giggling, and eating spaghetti at Il Covo in L.A., and the mag doesn't say this but I suspect he even pushed a meatball towards her with his nose. Finally, Adele's new house is on 25 acres, boasts 10 bedrooms, an indoor pool, a billiard room and a dining table fit for Downton Abbey. (See Fig. 1)
Grade: D- (durian)


This Week In Tabloids: Christina Aguilera Only Gets Out of Bed to Get Wasted AgainS

Ok!
"It's A Girl!"
In an "exclusive baby announcement and interview," Kourtney Kardashian says her unborn fetus will someday be a little girl. Then she proceeds to try and force some gendered crap on said unborn fetus, saying, "I have no idea how to even dress a little girl because I am so used to dressing a little boy. And I'm not really a pink person." Newsflash: Girls do not have to wear pink! It's not a federal law! Kourtney also says: "Scott's an only child and he's a boy, so he knows motorcycles and dirt bikes and race cars. I don't even think he gets it — the whole girl fantasy land of princesses and all that kind of stuff." Please, Kourtney, try and remember that women can ride motorcycles and race cars. Please! Moving on: The cover screams "Jen & Justin ADOPT!" but you should be aware that J'Anthrax have adopted a DOG. A pit bull-boxer puppy named Sophie. Justin Bieber has "put a ring on it," in which "it" is Selena Gomez and the ring is a diamond band with a bejeweled J. An insider calls it a "pre-engagement ring" that symbolizes their intention to be together for a long time. Or at least until one of them turns 21? Teen Mom's Leah put her twins in a pageant, but before you get bent out of shape, know it was for charity — St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. Lastly, Whitney Houston's "final gift" to her daughter was a stern talk about avoiding the dangers of Hollywood.
Grade: D (Buddha's hand)


This Week In Tabloids: Christina Aguilera Only Gets Out of Bed to Get Wasted AgainS

In Touch
"Secret Plans To Elope"
Kim Kardashian has been seeing Reggie Bush on the DL, using private planes that take off in the middle of the night so she can avoid the paparazzi. "She's insistig that she wants to run off with him to marry," a "friend whispers." Honestly, I could TOTALLY see this chick getting married again right away, I would not be shocked AT ALL. In fact, I will be shocked if she does NOT get married in the next 2 years. As for Reggie, he won't "publicly date" Kim until she's divorced from Kris, and he wants the divorce to be quick and quiet with no theatrics. And if he does marry KK, he will insist on a quick, under-the-radar elopement. And he doesn't want her being Kim Kardashian™, but a private, low-key person instead. According to the mag: "It may be the hardest decision of her life: She can be famous — but alone — or live a normal life with her true love." Dun dun DUN. In other news, Rihanna is "officially" back with Chris Brown. Not only did he show up at her birthday party, but they "hit up" — the mag's unfortunate language, not mine — the movie Safe House recently. Moving on! The Bachelor's Ben can't choose between Lindzi and Courtney, and also, he's not ready to be engaged, so. Also, sources say Courtney COULD be carrying Ben's child. Demi Moore is "thriving" in rehab, where she has put on weight because she is actually eating and she's thinking about staying in treatment for a few weeks or even months. Good news. Katy Perry is "on the prowl," and when she was at a dinner seated at the same table as Coldplay's Chris Martin, she told friends how "yummy" she thought he was. Watch out, KP, Gwyneth will cut the goop out of you. Finally: It should come as no surprise that Britney is obsessed with the show Smash and is desperately trying to get herself on it. "She's met with producers, and they're looking for the appropriate role for her," a source says. Anyone remember Crossroads? When Britney is "acting" you can actually see her trying. Not great.
Grade: C- (kiwano)


This Week In Tabloids: Christina Aguilera Only Gets Out of Bed to Get Wasted AgainS

Us
"Shameless Seduction."
How dare a lady seduce a man! Succubus Alert! Courtney has told her family she has it all wrapped up. "She didn't see any competition from, in her words, Horsey, Fatty and the Kid." Meaning Lindzi, Nicki, and Kacie. Courtney looked at The Bachelor as a game, in which Ben was the prize, and she was going to win. The mag claims she "seduced him with charm… and nudity," which um, sounds like the average twenty-something's dating modus operandi. Meanwhile, Ben Flapjack only went on the show to publicize his wine. "He had no intention of finding love," an insider claims. Yet somehow he was "easily blinded by [Courtney's] beauty — and all that exposed flesh." But since Courtney's "perfectly tousled chestnut locks" are extensions, the whole thing is trickery and disaster. Moving on! Russell Brand got a tattoo to remind him to be truthful at all times, is meditating twice a day and doing kundalini yoga. While he hasn't gone back to drugs and booze, he is far from celibate — he's "playing the field." Bobbi Kristina's "problems are out of control," and Whitney's family is hoping Cissy Houston can help. Rihanna and Chris Brown are seeing each other again, but a source says that the ball is in her court: "Rihanna enjoys controlling the current arrangement… She likes the loose nature of it and she doesn't want a boyfriend," a friend claims. "This is dangerous, and she likes playing with fire." Last, but not least: Maddox Jolie-Pitt, Suri Cruise and Coco Arquete all have the same faux-fur coat, but of course folks think Suri wore it best. (See Fig. 2)
Grade: C (bitter melon)


This Week In Tabloids: Christina Aguilera Only Gets Out of Bed to Get Wasted AgainS

Star
"She's A WRECK!"
Most of what she is doing sounds like me, on vacation, but sources claim Christina Aguilera is "out of control." She is "getting wasted a lot and just embarrassing herself." Among her offenses: She "goes days without ever getting out of bed. She'll have food brought to her, and she even drinks in bed too!" God I want to do this so badly. Room service! Another source says: "Her dressing room is always littered with wine bottles." And yeah, some stuff is not so nice, like how she left her son, Max, on his fourth birthday, to go get drunk. She and boyfriend Matt (who is "just in it for the ride") went to dinner, where they had a few rounds of sake, and then to a club, where they ordered bathtub loads of vodka and cranberry and partied until last call. But even more important than drowning her sorrows in booze is Christina's weight, amirite? That's why the mag offers a sidebar called "packing on the pounds." Contrasting photos from Xtina's "Genie In A Bottle" and "Dirrty" days — 1999 and 2002 — with current photos, as though any of us weighed the same at 18 years old as we do (or did) at 31. (See Fig. 3) Next! Lady Gaga thinks that scorching hot hottie Taylor Kinney is "the one" and wants to have a baby with him ASAP. He has discovered that under the weird clothes and makeup she is a "sweet, normal, healthy person," and she is "madly in love." Mazel tov. The Whitney Houston story in here is about how two days before her death, the singer tried to take her own life by slitting her wrist in the bathroom. The mag claims those disheveled and bloody images seen days before she died her after that episode, and the wrist wound was bleeding. The mag also asks, "Was Whitney driven into a life of addiction to numb the pain of hiding her secret gay love?" And a source says she claimed Clive had cut her off, and that she was going to overdose on cocaine, booze, and pills right before Clive's party to "really show him." GAH. In other news, Ryan Reynolds has met Blake Lively's family, and hey love him. Blake's found The One and they are talking about rings. Blergle. Let's end on a more fun note: Brad Pitt lost his iPhone, and on it were "intimate photos" of him with Angelina. Apparently Angie is livid, because she told him a hundred times to delete the shots for this very reason. But she should know that what the world needs now is leaked sexxxy shots of a beautiful couple with six kids. Eff the young starlets, show some hot mature committed lovin'! Game changer!
Grade: C+ (guava)


Addendum

This Week In Tabloids: Christina Aguilera Only Gets Out of Bed to Get Wasted AgainS

Fig. 1, from Life & Style

This Week In Tabloids: Christina Aguilera Only Gets Out of Bed to Get Wasted AgainS

Fig. 2, from Us

This Week In Tabloids: Christina Aguilera Only Gets Out of Bed to Get Wasted AgainS

Fig. 3, from Star