Fancy scientists may have devised a totally complex formula for losing weight, but our own bloodlesscoup has done them one better:

Here's my formula for weight loss, which has led me to lose 85 pounds in about two years. I still have some weight to lose, but so far, it's been very effective:

1) Spend 25 years of your life being taught that food is: a (love), b (validation), c (reward), and d (shameful to consume in excess). Other important values include: X (confusion), Y (shame), and Z (frustration).

2) Have a sudden epiphany that: ((Y+Z)d)+((a+b+c)X) = a life of wearing mumus because nothing else will fit in the near future.

3) Take one weekend to figure out that: C (drinking coffee) + R (eating raw carrots) = D (the shits), and there might be a better way to avoid the mumu future.

4) Settle on conclusion that E(L)+F(M) = fairly quick and consistent weight loss (where E = eating, L = Less, F = fitness/exercise, and M = More), but that E(L)+F(M)/O = happier weight loss (where O = Oreos).

5) Eat less, exercise more, and still eat Oreos. Lose 85 pounds. Develop a burgeoning love of running. Don't beat yourself up over eating treats here and there. Have a healthier relationship with food and realize it doesn't replace stupid fucking ex boyfriends.

Ta-daaaaaaaaa!

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