Elizabeth Smart Living a Normal Life of Exotic Hawaiian Marriages

In what sounds a little bit like a pagan ritual, Elizabeth Smart married Matthew Gilmour in a Mormon temple on Oahu's North Shore yesterday. Smart, a Utah woman who was kidnapped at age 14 and held captive for nine months by Brian David Mitchell, is now an apparently functioning 24-year-old senior at Brigham Young University and met Gilmour while on a Mormon mission in Aberdeen, Scotland. We can call this a happy ending, yes? Mitchell, a one-time itinerant preacher, was convicted in 2010 of Smart's 2002 kidnapping and is currently serving a life prison sentence. [AP]

  • Bobby Brown found a way to disturb the smooth functioning of Whitney Houston's funeral by bringing too many guests and arguing with police, because when you really love someone, you make their funeral all about how inconvenient the seating arrangements are for your inflated entourage. Brown had only been expected to bring 2 guests, but when he showed up with 10, members of Houston's family told him that, while he could stay in the reserved family area, the randoms loping behind him had to park it somewhere else. Predictably, Brown was ruffled and released a very sore-feelings statement after the funeral:

    My children and I were invited to the funeral of my ex-wife Whitney Houston. We were seated by security and then subsequently asked to move on three separate occasions. I fail to understand why security treated my family this way and continued to ask us and no one else to move. Security then prevented me from attempting to see my daughter Bobbi Kristina.

    In light of the events, I gave a kiss to the casket of my ex-wife and departed as I refused to create a scene ... I will continue to pay my respects to my ex-wife the best way I know how.

    Which, judging from this account, involves inflaming already tense relations with his ex-wife's family. I imagine that Bobby Brown's relationship with Whitney Houston's immediate family more or less resembles the relationship Mark Wahlberg had with Reese Witherspoon's family in Fear, an analogy that becomes particularly apt when you consider that Marky Mark was also in a boy band. What do we learn from this? Boy bands, of course, are incubators of terrible boyfriends and husbands. [CNN]

  • Here's to other celebrity unions you probably feel pretty meh about — Kobe Bryant and still-connected-by-a-silk-thread wife Vanessa Laine might really, truly be reconciling. TMZ's network of covert agents reports that Bryant has "aggressively" pursued Laine over the past three weeks, showering her with expensive gifts including a necklace rumored to be worth $4 million and made entirely out of the hungry, saucer eyes of starving children from all seven continents. Why do only the celebrities that people really want to see apart stay or get back together in really public, dramatic ways? And don't even pretend that you didn't want to see the sad, tabloid photo timeline of Kim Kardashian being led by her oafish ex-husband first around Rodeo Drive, then the Mall of America, and finally, twenty years from now when you're trying to explain to your semi-adult kids why Kardashian was considered a famous person, around the Rochester farmer's market, methodically smelling each jar of fruit preserves. [TMZ]
  • Speaking of Kim Kardashian, photographers pounced on her like a pack of feral dogs while she was leaving the gym carrying a purportedly expensive Hermes Birkin gym bag, the exact price of which TMZ shrugged about and determined could be anywhere from $9,000 to $150,000. The nerve she has to so casually display her wealth! Couldn't you just imagine being in the same yoga class as her and overhearing her tell a friend, "Oh, this old bag? I hate it — I just use it for smelly socks." Oh, and Reggie Bush doesn't love her anymore, which news, if you worked for the Daily News and sussed out that Reggie Bush played professional football and not professional bow-tie wearing, you'd report with an appropriate metaphor, something like, "Miami Dolphin Reggie Bush says ‘No' to talk of teaming up again with Kim Kardashian." [TMZ, NDNY]
  • Relationships are going through a rough patch all throughout the entertainment industry, none rougher than the latest kerfuffle between DMX (whose name, for all you out-loud readers, should be shouted at a volume that will wake up any neighbors, roommates, or people you've recently slept with and want very badly to gtfo) and his ex Patricia Trejo. Trejo stopped Dog Man X from receiving a passport he needed to go on his Grand Tour of Europe, claiming $1 million in unpaid child support. TMZ's account actually includes the transitional phrase, "Now here's the twist" when it reports that DMX has used the most common get-out-of-child-support-argument and questioned the true paternity of Trejo's child. [TMZ]
  • Tony Bennett's son Danny Bennett is miffed by David Evanier's tell-all biography about the singer, specifically by the way Evanier characterizes the elder Bennett's drug use, i.e. that it happened, as well as Bennett's alleged ties to the Capone family, who, according to Evanier, helped jump-start the enthusiastic Lady Gaga fan's career. [NDNY]
  • At 77, Judi Dench is in danger of losing her sight. The actress says she's been diagnosed with macular degeneration and admits that the condition is so bad that, "I can't read scripts anymore because of the trouble with my eyes." Somewhere, ensconced in Highclere Castle, Maggie Smith is rubbing her hands together and cackling nefariously. [Mirror, NDNY]
  • Lindsay Lohan is all set to receive another gold star and pat on the head from Judge Stephanie Sautner for behaving so well during her probation stemming from misdemeanor necklace-stealing. [Radar]
  • Aretha Franklin belted some tunes at Radio City and told fans how thankful she was to be alive at 69-years-old. During the second half of her 100-minute concert, Franklin paid tribute to Whitney Houston, and soothed her still-mourning audience by saying, "I hope there is something I will sing, or I have sung, that will lift all of our heavy hearts today." [CBS]
  • We're still so parochial when it comes to celebrity deaths that the passing of iconic Sudanese singer Mohammed Osman Wardi at age 80 will barely break through residual Whitney Houston coverage. Wardi died Saturday in what is perhaps the coolest-sounding city in the world, Khartoum, from kidney complications. He popularized the music of his native Nubia and was closely associated with Sudan's political left, which affiliation would force him into exile in 1983 when then-Presiden Gaafar Numeiri imposed Islamic law codes on the country. [CBS]
  • Lament! The Glee summer concert tour has been canceled this year. [THR]
  • Michael Davis, the bassist for allegedly influential ‘60s band MC5, died on Saturday at 68 from liver failure, according to his wife. [HuffPo]
  • Victoria Beckham defended her "fatigued" appearance at Fashion Week by reminding everyone that she's a working mother and therefore basically never sleeps. "I'm not going to lie about it," said Beckham. "I'm tired. I'm really tired but I'm also very happy with my life. I'm basically just like any woman who's working and has lots of children – it's tough." [Daily Mail]