Sarah Palin Reveals Diabolical Plan to Spontaneously Run for President

Sarah Palin has always enjoyed toying with us, but for the past few months she's seemed largely irrelevant. We all thought she'd given up on public office and was content to mouth off for cash and/or serve America in other ways. But it seems we have all been had. In an interview with Fox Business's Eric Bolling, Palin hinted at the true nature of her fiendish plans: She's going to run for president! But not in the traditional, lamestream way. No, she's going to come in at the last minute and "save the day." Man, we should have known.

When asked by Bolling (who, by the way, is currently in hot water for saying that democratic Rep. Maxine Waters should "step away from the crack pipe," just to give you a sense of how legit he is) where she will go from here, Palin replied in her signature run-on style:

I am thankful that I know that I, that you, so many people, we can make a difference without having a title, without being kinda shackled to an office or put in a box right now. And that's where I am right now. But I cannot predict what will happen in the future, but I know that I've got the fire in my belly to try to help, to try to make a difference. And if that involves running for public office at some time in the future, I'm game for that.

Interesting. I'm glad you're enjoying your freedom, Sarah. It was so brave of you to unshackle yourself from office by resigning from your post before even completing one term and, more importantly, sacrificing yourself as the vice-presidential nominee on a losing ticket. Nobody is going to hold you down, girl! You're gonna make all the difference without doing any of the work.

Bolling then presses her on the possibility of no clear GOP leader being chosen before the convention, which would result in a brokered convention. Here where you and I are, in reality, the chances of that happening look incredibly slim—the last time there was a brokered convention was in 1948—but that doesn't stop Palin from painting it as a distinct possibility:

If it had to be kind of closed up today, the whole nominating process, then we would be looking at a brokered convention. I mean nobody is quite there yet, so I think that months from now, if that is the case, then you know, all bets are off as to who it will be, willing to offer up themselves up in their name in service to their country. I would do whatever I could to help.

And that's where it becomes clear that this is actually quite a Palin masterstroke. Dammit, how did we not see this coming? Now it's obvious why she's been such a fervent advocate of having 17,548 primary debates. Sure she claimed it was to make certain the candidates were vetted and their ideas honed, but she just wanted keep the indecision going. The longer there is no favorite, the better her chances of being called to offer herself up for service. Republicans will get to the convention and suddenly realize they've made a terrible mistake. "Oh, Sarah," they'll all say in their best rom-com voices, "It's always been you. We were just too foolish to know. Please forgive us and come back. You're the only one who can deliver us from Barack Obama's socialist death grip." All of the nomination without any of the work. Excellent.

It's pitch perfect Palin: A potent mix of delusional thinking and clever maneuvering, with just a dash of actually possibility for success, which makes it exciting! But the most devious part of this plan is that I don't think she actually wants to be president. She wants to be the nominee, sure, and she wants to campaign, but I'm not convinced she actually wants to win. If she won—which hahahaha—she'd enter into the decidedly unglamorous job of actually having to govern. And as her record in Alaska shows, she's not that fond of real work. Talk about being shackled and stuck in a box! But if she ran and lost, that'd set her up as the ultimate martyr. She'd be back on top in her party, she'd be able to rake in the money, and best of all, she'd be guaranteed to be relevant for the next four years, which ain't happening otherwise.

This plan could work out brilliantly for her—not so much for us, since it'd mean we'd have to listen to her keep unspooling the one long sentence she started speaking in 2008 and still has not been able to finish. But chances are it won't work. Probably one of the current assless chaps in the running will end up with the nomination, and poor Sarah will be left chasing after the rest of her party yapping and biting them on the ankles like an annoying dog. Still, you have to hand it to her for trying. "A" for effort on the longform antics, Mrs. Dude, and we can't wait to see you at the convention.

Sarah Palin says she is "game" for another run for office [CBS News]
Palin on Government Battle Taking Place in 2012 [Fox Business]