This Week In Tabloids: Whitney's Minions Cleaned Up the Cocaine Before Medics Arrived

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we stroll through the fields of Star, In Touch, Us, Life & Style and Ok!, picking the fragrant flowers of celebrity gossip. This week, Whitney Houston's death is the cover story for three out of five magazines, with Kim K and Brangelina dominating the other two. The most salacious story is the one in Star, since it claims that Whitney's minions cleared her hotel room of illegal drugs before EMS got to the scene.


This Week In Tabloids: Whitney's Minions Cleaned Up the Cocaine Before Medics Arrived

Ok!
"Wedding Exclusive!"
Angelina and Brad will "finally tie the knot" sometime this summer, after seven years and six children. Why now? Because Angie is pregnant with twin boys. She'll be huge when she walks down the aisle in what will be her third marriage and his second. It's for the kids, you see: They are all "extremely bothered by the fact that Mommy and Daddy are not married." Expect a small ceremony at Chateau Mirval, with the vineyards in the background and so on. And, this is an ACTUAL SENTENCE from the story: "Brad and Angelina will be spending their honeymoon painting the nursery for the twin boys." Yes, millionaires who are not married and not expecting any kids will definitely be spending their pretend honeymoon doing manual labor in the bedroom of their nonexistent newborns. Only one word can is appropriate at this juncture, and that word is LOL. (Please to be noticing the cover, on which Brad and Angie have been Photshopped together and are not proportionately sized and laughing incredulously.) Also inside: Kim Kardashian and LeAnn Rimes are "church friends" and Bible-study buddies, and if there's a way to also hang around wearing bikinis together, surely they'll work that out. Ashton Kutcher is "trying to save" Demi Moore, and a source says: "I'm sure they will reunited after Demi gets out [of rehab]." Apparently they have unfinished business together, or some such. Lastly: Ali, the baby of Teen Mom's Leah Messer, has taken her first steps on her own. Mazel.
Grade: F (poison ivy)


This Week In Tabloids: Whitney's Minions Cleaned Up the Cocaine Before Medics Arrived

Life & Style
"Kris Drags Kim To Court."
Guys, it is so funny to me that Kim feels like "she's trapped in a nightmare that just won't end," because that is exactly how I feel about endless Kardashian "news." Anywhoozle! Kris petitioned to have his Minnesota-based lawyer practice in California, which could mean that instead of settling quietly out of court, the divorce could go to trial and since there are cameras allowed in courtrooms in Cali, well, dun dun dun. All of this is based on maybes and what ifs and blah blah blah, let's move on. Bachelor star Ben Flapjack proposed to one of the pretty ladies pimped to him on the show, but they have already broken up, in what might be the shortest Bachelor engagement ever. Finally: A mere four months after her marriage to Marc Anthony ended, Jennifer Lopez is talking about getting hitched to young beau Casper Smart. She's already moved him into her home and "every facet of her life, from family vacations to photo shoots." Casper has proposed, even though Jenny's divorce isn't final yet, and I dunno, I mean, she should probably just go for it, Liz Taylor-steez. After years of Hugh Hefner and other old dudes with young blondes, I love the role reversal of a Sugar Mama getting laid properly by an ABS-solutely virile, hot young dude, emphasis on the ABS Get it, girl.
Grade: D- (ragweed)


This Week In Tabloids: Whitney's Minions Cleaned Up the Cocaine Before Medics Arrived

In Touch
"She Could Have Been Saved."
There isn't much here that you haven't already heard or read, but apparently Whitney Houston called her mother Cissy and told her that as soon as the Grammys were over, she was going to go back to rehab. She just wanted to enjoy herself a little bit first. According to the mag, "Less than half an hour after that emotional phone call, Whitney was found dead in her hotel bathroom at the age of 48." The tone of this story is sad, wistful and quick to blame Whitney and those around her; one line reads, "Instead of turning to her friends and loved ones Whitney tried to ease her nerves with alcohol and prescription drugs — a very bad idea." Another subhead reads, "Bobby Brown Ruined Her Life." A page of happy pictures through the years is called "Her Star Was So Bright." Sigh. Let's move on. Also inside: Lindsay Lohan has gone through a "shocking evolution" that is mostly hair, nose, and lip-related, and a doctor who has never met her says she has "painfully obvious lip injections, cheek fillers and a "shield graft" on the tip of her nose. (See Fig. 1) In Kardashian news, Khloe has begged Kourtney to carry her baby, and Kourtney "immediately said yes." So that's happening. In Bachelor news, rumor has it Courtney is a plant, hired by producers to "spice things up." She's an actor, not a normal contestant, and has "made the other girls suspicious by frequently huddling with producers." Russell Brand is on the verge of fucking random ladies, or at least, "headed toward the behavior that landed him in rehab for sex addiction." Jessica Simpson is having a "health crisis" because she's gained a lot weight while pregnant, eating stuff like mac and cheese, Pop-Tarts and Cap 'n Crunch. And! Because it's not enough that our culture dissects and critiques women's bodies, the mag COMPARES Jessica's pregnant body to Hilary Duff's pregnant body, with the exclamation, "She's already bigger than Hilary!" Wow. Wow. They are two different people, with two different bodies and metabolisms and builds and also fuck you. (See Fig. 2) Kim Kardashian's "secret hideaway" is a house in the ultra-private Mulholland Estates compound. Yawn. Last, but not least: Uggie drinking a cocktail by the pool! (See Fig. 3)
Grade: C- (crabgrass)


This Week In Tabloids: Whitney's Minions Cleaned Up the Cocaine Before Medics Arrived

Us
"Whitney's Sad Final Days."
The tone: Respectful but blame-y: "Decades of risk-taking catch up with pop legend Whitney Houston." She was jittery, she looked out of it, she partied, after marrying Bobby Brown, she went from being a "light" user to a "heavy" one. Her last meal was a hamburger, fries, a turkey sandwich and jalapeños. Her childhood friend Robyn Crawford says: "She was the action, for such a long time. She's out of the action now. I hope she can finally rest." Also inside: Angelina and Brad are not racing to the altar. "They have talked about making it legal," says a source, " but it's not a priority." Kim Kardashian went out to dinner with Reggie Bush and made "googly eyes at him" the whole time. But! Regie won't commit to her the way she needs him to, sigh. Last: Tom Cruise is not a human being but an ageless android mecha like Jude Law in A.I. Is Scientology an elaborate human/robot breeding scam? Is Xenu the fountain of youth? (See Fig. 4)
Grade: C (dandelion)


This Week In Tabloids: Whitney's Minions Cleaned Up the Cocaine Before Medics Arrived

Star
"Don't Let Me Die."
The tone is sensationalist, rumor-rampant and blame-y: "Whitney Houston finally fell victim to her demons, despite a heartbreaking last-minute cry for help." There's a picture of the bathtub in which she died — with the water still in it — and inside, some photos taken in 2006 of her "drug den." Her alleged coke dealer tells the mag about a time in August in 2010, when Whitney and Bobbi Kristina were in the Bahamas. Whitney caught Krissy smoking weed and went "completely out of her mind." Krissy said: "All you care about is your little white friend!" Meaning cocaine. Sources claim that the afternoon Whitney died, after security guards tried CPR and failed, someone called 911 while "aides cleaned the room of the cocaine stash Whitney had on hand." The story claims law enforcement officials found lorazepam, Valium, Xanax, ibuprofen, Midol, amoxicillin and sleeping meds in Whitney's room. MIDOL, I mean come on why is this being mentioned? And there's this: "One source estimates the star took 8,000 pills in six months." Plus: "Insiders tell Star Whitney was abusing cocaine, Oxycontin and alcohol as well." There's a sidebar called "Whitney & Bobby's Toxic Love," as well as a testimonial from Whitney's makeup artist, Reginald Dowdley, who says: "She seemed good and vibrant and full of life… She had no idea that this was going to happen… I was on my way to her hotel to do her makeup when I got the phone call. It was so unexpected." Next: Lady Gaga threw up "all the time" when she was in high school. When she was 15, and trying to get into acting and modeling, Katharine McPhee would eat nothing all day and then end up binging and purging at night. Heidi Klum is gearing up for a custody battle after learning about Seal's "criminal past." Apparently he was busted for drug trafficking and promoting prostitution — though never jailed. Rachel McAdams is in love with Michael Sheen, but he's not the marrying kind: He dated Kate Beckinsale for eight years (and fathered her daughter) and also dated a dancer for six years without marrying her. An insider says Rachel is "beyond ready" to be a bride. But ladies have to wait for rings, so tragic. Rihanna invited Chris Brown into her dressing room during Grammy rehearsals, and "they spent over five hours together," says an insider. "She said they talked about everything under the sun." And maybe more, since, when she came out, "she had a coy smile and looked slightly disheveled." SAY IT AIN'T SO. Here's a Timberlake/Biel quote that will make you want to harm yourself and others: "If he's faithful for several years, maybe she'll agree to have a baby," says an insider. "She doesn't trust him 100% yet." Get out now, JB! Last thing: Miley Cyrus has been partying and boozing a lot lately, running with a "very shady, drug-using group" and one of her friends is a "drug dealer to the stars." Worse: She's been missing business meetings and hasn't been writing any new music. Who is going to fund mom and dad's cowboy boot collections?
Grade: C+ (kudzu)


Addendum

This Week In Tabloids: Whitney's Minions Cleaned Up the Cocaine Before Medics Arrived

Fig. 1, from In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Whitney's Minions Cleaned Up the Cocaine Before Medics Arrived

Fig. 2, from In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Whitney's Minions Cleaned Up the Cocaine Before Medics Arrived

Fig. 3, from In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Whitney's Minions Cleaned Up the Cocaine Before Medics Arrived

Fig. 4, from Us