Sports Illustrated Models Look Better in Bikinis Than Actual Clothes

I'd always just assumed that if you had a great body you could basically wear anything and you'd look amazing. However, the red carpet for last night's launch party for Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue proved that hot or not, ugly is ugly when it comes to dresses.

Sports Illustrated Models Look Better in Bikinis Than Actual Clothes

Crystal Renn was, without a doubt, the best-dressed of the evening, rising way above the very low standards set by the rest of the girls. I thought her leather jacket and simple maxi made for a casual and updated version of a classic silhouette. I guess I consider Julie Henderson and Kirby Griffin runners-up since they wore dresses that actually bothered to create a shape with fabric rather than just rely on being shellacked onto a beautiful body.

Sports Illustrated Models Look Better in Bikinis Than Actual Clothes

Cover girl Kate Upton didn't look terrible, but she was still kinda "meh." I mean, the live version of the model shouldn't really be shown-up by a picture, right?

Sports Illustrated Models Look Better in Bikinis Than Actual Clothes

As far as the lace trend goes, I guess Ariel Meredith did it best? At least she didn't do that one-armed thing. Bar Refaeli and Chrissy Teigen look like straight-up Eurotrash, quite a feat for an Israeli and an American.

Sports Illustrated Models Look Better in Bikinis Than Actual Clothes

Alyssa Miller and Irina Shayk are so costume-y that I half expect them to be part of a burlesque version of "Big Spender." What's Genevieve Morton's deal? It just seems like one tug at that bandage dress and her whole being would unravel.

Sports Illustrated Models Look Better in Bikinis Than Actual Clothes

I guess when you think about a room full of swimsuit models, your vision would be comprised of tiny, shiny dresses. That doesn't make the reality of what Adaora (center) is wearing any less harrowing.

Sports Illustrated Models Look Better in Bikinis Than Actual Clothes

Izabel Goulart and Cintia Dicker went for a little bit more fabric than the rest of the women. Meanwhile, Michelle Vawer wore that horrendous Stella McCartney dress that Just. Won't. Die.