Republicans Hilariously Divided Between Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum

Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum are now in a dead heat, according to a new national poll. This means that a growing number of conservative Americans are convinced that Rick Santorum— a guy with views so regressive and puritanical that his name that has become slang for "ass discharge" in progressive circles— would be a viable national Presidential candidate. The GOP primary has officially gotten hilarious.

According to the new Gallup poll, Romney has the support of 32% of registered Republican voters, and Santorum has 30%— within the survey's margin of error. Trailing Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dump is Newt Gingrich, who's only managed to ensnare the support of 16% of those polled. And bringing up the rear is Ron Paul, whose support has slipped from a high around 13% into the single digits. Analysts think that Santorum's surge (can't wait for the day when the word "surge" doesn't follow the word "Santorum" in any headlines) is due to his triple victory in the Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri primaries.

While some may be dismaying because this means that we're going to have to look at Rick Santorum's awful face a lot over the next several weeks, I couldn't be happier. This means that campaign commercials are going to grow more awesomely desperate. This means that Romney's going to act even more like a coked up robotic stock photo model. This means that Rick Santorum's rhetoric is going to get more and more hard-line. Let's force rapists to marry their victims! No one gets birth control and everyone must join the army so we can attack Iran! Let's enlist a volunteer citizen army of morality police to publicly chastise girls with skirts that are too short!

I should start trying out for the role of "concerned mother voice" in Republican-on-Republican smear ads.

Santorum Surges to Tie Romney [Gallup]