This needs no introduction, but here's a short one: My mom has been watching The Bachelor, and has a lot of feelings about the show. She called last night, and I decided to record it. This is what she said.

They're in Belize now, and the first date he had was with Lindzi. He and Lindzi jump out of the helicopter and swim in the Blue Hole, right off the coast of Belize. Which is exciting. I think the best part of the show happens to be the dates they go on, you know? He's outdoorsy. He knows how to do everything! He swims well, he drives boats, he can do almost anything and he's not frightened of anything. He's an outdoorsy type, without being boring or Western (said with distaste). (Me: What do you mean, Western?) You know, like George Bush. Like a cowboy. He's the type of guy, if I were young, I would want to be with. But I really could see your sister with him, because he tries everything, and he's just, crazy, sort of. He likes spontaneity and he likes the outdoors and he loves to be adventuresome. And he tries everything! Crazy things! I really like the fact that he and this girl climbed the bridge in San Francisco. It was just amazing. The other shows that I have seen before were just humdrum. Not that this isn't a vapid series, though. It is vapid. If it were not for Courtney, I probably would have turned it off.

Anyway. On the second date, he goes out with… Emily. I think. And they go biking and lobster-catching. They actually go out into the water and catch the lobsters and later they have them for dinner and go dancing and everything. He's very down-to earth.

My Mom Recaps The Bachelor: 'Too Much Kissing In One Day'S

The next date was a group date with Rachel, Kacie B. and Nicki. Kacie B. I liked, until she started talking about Courtney, because I thought she was one of the cutest ones there. And they swam with the sharks. And that was sort of cool. And he spoke to all three of them, and Kacie B. was the only one who got a rose. But that didn't mean that the others were eliminated.

Then, the next date was with Courtney. And they all hate Courtney because basically she told them, "If he doesn't really want you, that doesn't mean he's the only man out there for you!" I thought she was telling the truth. And she told him that she didn't know whether she wanted to take him home to her parents, if he wasn't feeling it. And I think he did everything to convince her that he was feeling it. He kept asking her, throughout the season, why do the other girls hate her, and she said initially, she tried to make friends, and she has female friends, and she says, they hate her because they're just catty women. She said basically, she wasn't there to make friends. And this show would go off the air if there was no Courtney. I mean, they are the most vapid women I have ever seen. I think this is the first time they haven't had any women who were well-educated. Usually they have a dentist, or a nurse, or something at the end. But these are all… not career people. The only person you could even say has a job that is sort of exciting is Courtney, and I didn't even realize she was a model until I saw it in Midweek Madness. Anyway, Courtney did get a rose and Emily went home and I was glad. But they all met with her — Rachel and Emily and Kacie B. Rachel didn't really say anything about her, she was the only one who really got along with Courtney. But Kacie B. and Nicki just talked about her, to him, and said, you don't know what she's like, and blah blah blah. And then he questioned her just before the rose ceremony, because they didn't have the usual cocktail party, and he asked her, again, and she basically said, you know, I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be with you. I mean, I just think that chick makes the show. If they didn't hate Courtney, this season would be completely boring. The women are boring.

My Mom Recaps The Bachelor: 'Too Much Kissing In One Day'S

At one point I wanted him to be with Kacie B., but after she [talked shit about Courtney] I just don't like her any more. She said, "I want to get her like a black widow spider," and I think that makes her sound worse than Courtney ever sounded. If I had to have him be with anyone, I guess it would be Nicki. Is she the dark-haired one? Nicki is cute, that's all. I think he probably could get along better with Courtney, which sounds crazy, but the way she picked up the tarantula tonight… I don't know. I shouldn't have read Midweek Madness, with the magazines saying she was just there to get her career started. I think they sort of ruin it, when they put these things in the magazines. It's best if I don't read it!

But I think he's one of the best guys they've had on there. So if I had to choose somebody, I would want Nicki. She's a dental hygienist. She has a tattoo, and none of the others have tattoos, and that is at least a little interesting. Before that I wanted Kacie B., but she turned me off tonight. The way she was saying how catty and how nasty Courtney was was just not an attractive trait in her! I thought she was above that.

I think he's probably going to end up with Kacie B. Something tells me. But if I had to choose, I would choose Nicki. But not based on personality! They're all just so vapid! They're just women without… I mean, I don't know if the show is making them that way? But it's like, a bunch of women, and the only thing they want to be is a wife! The other women seemed to have had lives. These women have no career goals whatsoever. At least, with Courtney, she has a career goal. These women are just out there. I would not be interested in a single one if that's all they want out of life. Not a single one said, hey, I want to do this, that or the other. At least you know that Courtney will still model. They're women without. I don't think they represent anything that any female should watch. I mean even The Real Housewives Of Atlanta — and I don't like that show — is better than this season! I don't know where they got these women from. I am only watching to see if Courtney goes home. If Courtney had gone home tonight I was not going to watch it anymore. Because then it would just be really boring.

My Mom Recaps The Bachelor: 'Too Much Kissing In One Day'S

But the only reason I watch at all is because the dates are so fantastic! Tonight they put a message in a bottle, and he said something cute, and the dates are always so fascinating! The one I really liked was in the beginning when they climbed the Golden Gate Bridge. And when they went down in the cave together, and when they rode the horses… All of them have been interesting! And I think it has a lot to do with him, because I've never seen a guy on the show who was more of a renaissance man. The rest of them are shallow. And he's not shallow. I don't know why he has so many shallow women there. He seems to be very comfortable, in every atmosphere. He can speak other languages, and he doesn't repeat himself, like that other guy. He's good at a little but of everything. You have to be somewhat of a renaissance man in order to do all of that. They were in this village and they had the village outfits and he dressed just like the village people (Me: The Village People? HAHA.) The tribe! He put on a loincloth. He's hot, and he does these things other people would frown on, but he does whatever. He cuts open the coconut. The large canoe, he manoevers it himself, and most of 'em can't do a thing! He's very outdoorsy, and you just believe that he could do anything. He's very comfortable in his own skin.

Do you think he will propose to one of these ladies and it will be true love?

No! There's no love there. Its too arranged. I mean, it is a joke. The whole thing is a joke. If he were really interested in one of those girls, he wouldn't be kissing the others, he would say, hey, I found the one I really want to talk to, and that's it. He kisses everybody! But he hasn't said he loves them, and all of these women are like, "Oh, I'm falling in love with you." How can you be falling in love with somebody. And they're traveling all over the world, you know, if you went all over the world you would be in love with traveling all over the world! That's why they got so upset with Courtney. At the end, they said, how do you feel? She said: I feel great. She says, "I'm going to enjoy my drink, with my umbrella, and just be so happy that I came to Belize. And if I'm not chosen, I go home!" You know? That's it. They're all saying that SHE'S phony. I think THEY'RE phony! I think they're the phoniest women I've ever seen. I don't think a single one is honest or really sincere. Or even human. There's no way in the world you would be crying over the guy. You would say hey, it was fun, I had a good time, and you'd bring your butt home. I don't see how you could sit there and see this man kiss all of these women and be happy. I would say, if I were a young lady, that you can have them. I am going home. That's too much kissing in one day.

Anyway. I think the best part was when he and Lindzi jumped out of the helicopter into the water. The Blue Hole. And I loved when they came to the land, there were flowers floating in the water… The whole thing was very nice.

Courtney got a horrible date — they climbed stairs to the top of the temple. To me that was boring, not as adventuresome as the others. Just work. If it was a group date it would be fine. It's a stupid show. But if he doesn't keep Courtney on there, people will lose interest. You either hate her or like her. And I think 90% of the people hate her, because she flips her hair and does that thing with her mouth, but it makes the show. Which was really difficult this season. I think they had a limited budget this season. Before they went to Thailand! Africa! Brazil! China! This year, they only went to San Francisco — which was very nice, the valley area — and then Puerto Rico, and Panama — and now Belize. And you know Ben went skinny-dipping with Courtney. Courtney talked him into it. He said it was the most exciting thing he had done. He said it was something he'll remember for the rest of his life. And that's what he likes about her — she has spontaneity. She does. You have to give it to her. When she put that tarantula on her tonight, I said, this woman is weird. And when they went on the fishing trip, she was the one who caught the fish. Now does she seek out attention? Yes. She seeks his attention all the time, and people hate her, but if you're on the show trying to get the man's attention so he'll marry you, then you try to get his attention however you can! I agree with her! You don't go on the show to make friends with women! Tonight, as they were climbing the steps to heaven at that temple in Belize, there was a tarantula on the steps, and she just put it right on her hand and arm. And she named it Terry. But I think the reason she is able to do all of this — because I have watched Tyra [ANTM] — she's used to doing things like this because she's a model. It makes her a good sport. Half of the others, to get his attention, they say, "I'm afraid of this! I'm afraid of that! I'm afraid of heights! I'm afraid to swim with sharks!"

My Mom Recaps The Bachelor: 'Too Much Kissing In One Day'S

But the thing about Ben… The dates are not about money, they're about experiences. Living life to the fullest. And maybe they got these women because he's rich, but he just wants someone to spend his life vacationing with. So they had to get women who weren't in career mode. But if that's it, I feel sorry for him. Anyway, I need to watch Slavery By Another Name now. Bye.