Dating Advice You Never Wanted: How to Snag a Wall Street Man

Close your eyes and think of your dream partner. What's he or she like? Do they have a great sense of humor? Are they kind? Maybe cute in a way that's a little awkward and nonthreatening? Do they seem like they'd be a good parent? Haha, JK, guys. Everyone knows that what every woman wants is a Wall Street Banker. It doesn't matter if he's rude, dumb or unattractive. When it comes to dating men in finance, always be closing (unless you're talking about your legs, in which case keep those puppies open because what else will make him want to stick around). Luckily for you, professional matchmaker Samantha Daniels has written up the helpful guide How to Date a Wall Street Man.

Here are some of the best bits:

3. While a Wall Street man tends to like a little bit of a challenge when it comes to dating, he still likes things to be convenient and easy for him. A lot of women think that if they play hard to get, they will land a Wall Street man. This is NOT the case. Yes, you should be confident and avoid being a pushover but, at the same time, you shouldn't be difficult. You need to be accommodating or his schedule and time constraints or he will get frustrated and find another woman.

Make sure to be available when he wants you to be. It doesn't matter if you have plans with your friends or you've had a long day at work (LOL, women at work) and all you want to do is watch Breaking Bad in your pajamas. Too bad! A Wall Street Man's time is money and your time is scientifically worthless.

7. Don't get upset if your Wall Street guy isn't as romantic as you would like him to be. Men, by nature are never as romantic as women want them to be, but Wall Street men especially are very business-like and think practically not romantically. If you want him to be more romantic, you are probably going to have to lead the way, and teach him what you want.

They will also never kiss you on the mouth. That's reserved for "special people only."

9. When it comes to getting you a gift, a lot of Wall Street men are all about extravagance over thoughtfulness. If you are a decadent woman, this will work well for you, but if you are a woman who prefers a man to be thoughtful over spending lavishly on something you don't really want, you might be disappointed. This does not mean that a Wall Street man can't be thoughtful, many are. However, a lot of Wall Street men are so busy making lots of money, that when they think to buy you something, they don't care about the cost as long as it's easy to get for you.

This is actually great since I replaced my pussy with an ATM slot years ago. It's super convenient.

The best part of Daniel's guide is that it proves that all men in finance are exactly the same— none of them have personalities or desires outside of their work— which makes it so much easier for us to choose, though don't get too carried away. Whether or not you date (and subsequently get married so you can inherit his precious gold) is ultimately up to him. If you think that making your own money is an alternative, you are an undesirable uggo who will die alone.

Go get 'em, ladies!

How to Date a Wall Street Man
[CNBC]