This Week In Tabloids: Courtney the Evil Succubus Maneater Will Devour Bachelor BenS

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we feast on dishes of gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Jennifer Aniston is expecting twins; Sandra Bullock might be getting laid; Angelina can't handle her liquor; Melissa McCarthy is on a "red carpet diet"; and Ben from The Bachelor is about to have his soul sucked away by a demonic brunette who may or may not have teeth down there.


This Week In Tabloids: Courtney the Evil Succubus Maneater Will Devour Bachelor BenS

Ok!
"Sandra's Hookup"
Sandra Bullock has been spotted hanging out with Jonathon Komack Martin, a TV producer with whom she is "great friends." The guy also happens to be friends with Ryan Reynolds. Despite the unfortunate spelling of his name, all random sources agree that Jonathon is a "very solid, good guy" and a nice match for Sandy. Moving on! Jessica Simpson's "new baby" is her damn TV show. There's a perfectly good reason Kim Kardasian has been Tweeting about God and church lately: She wants to bone Tim Tebow. "She thinks Tim's hot and she knows dating him would really boost her image," a source says. Let us all get down on one knee and pray for that man. Oh, but wait: "Kim's not Tim's type at all," an insider says. "He likes down-to-earth girls who aren't high maintenance." Also, the sex tape and the Playboy shoot are most likely dealbreakers. In all honesty, I would watch the shit out of a soap opera plot in which an experienced 30-year-old sexy lady seduced and deflowered a brawny 24-year-old dudebro virgin. Don't look at me that way! Only God, in her infinite wisdom, can judge me.
Grade: D- (cracker crumbs)


This Week In Tabloids: Courtney the Evil Succubus Maneater Will Devour Bachelor BenS

Life & Style
"Pregnant & Abandoned"
Kourtney Kardashian is knocked up and sleeping in an empty house while Scott "American Psycho" Disick parties in Las Vegas and shops for nail guns or whatever. Scott says that as soon as Kourtney got pregnant, she stopped having sex with him, and he jokes that he's like a stallion and she just used him for his baby batter. An "insider" says that while they are not over, they are "not in love," and Kourtney is "depressed and not happy." This story's sidebar reads: "Her One Bright Spot: It's a Girl!" Should makeup for the whole loveless relationship stuff. Next: Bruce Willis is determined to help ex-wife Demi Moore in the wake of her drug incident and rehab stint, because he cares about her, and he's a hero. He's already got the grease-smeared tank top and a walkie-talkie! Yippie ki yay, motherfucker. In Angelina and Brad news, he hinted to the press that they might get married; so she said his quotes were "blown out of proportion," which is "classic Angelina," aka very controlling and always trying to shoot him down. A source who needs to get a life and/or have a CAT scan says: "By not marrying Brad, she has the upper hand. Right now, she feels like she's in charge. If they marry, she'd lose that." Next: J.Lo turned Casper Smart from a cropped jeans-wearing B-boy into a man sporting a Rolex, diamonds and Vuitton. Love don't cost a thing, but a watch worthy of being adjacent to Madame Lopez will set you back $32K. (See Fig. 1)
Grade: D (chicken bones)


This Week In Tabloids: Courtney the Evil Succubus Maneater Will Devour Bachelor BenS

In Touch
"Bachelor Ben Tricked!"
Courtney Robertson is a succubus, sent from the depths of hell to destroy the soul of poor sensitive Ben Flajnik, a man trying to meet his future wife on a primetime reality show. According to this cover story, "sensitive Ben is putty in Courtney's hands" and will do anything she says, including getting naked on TV. But! Courtney's ex-boyfriend, Dylan Hall, says that she was dating a "rich old man" when she was cast on the show. Courtney is some kind of remora, latching onto sharks guys with money, and a source calls her a "prissy bitch" who is "high maintenance." Courtney's own mother insists Ben isn't her type: "He's not as handsome as the guys she usually dates." Well, damn, Sherry Robertson. Wow. Courtney plots against the other ladies on the show and just wants fame and exposure, a source claims. "She's not doing it for love." And a villain is born! Also inside: Casper Smart's "days are numbered," not because he's going to die — as will we all — but because Jennifer Lopez "doesn't see a future with him." Better get all the Vuitton you can, dude. Demi Moore's daughter Rumer might be the next member of the family to head to rehab: She spends her nights partying wildly and her days "wandering around LA looking lost and alone." The question "What Happened To Kim's Lips?" has a one-word answer: Restylane. (See Fig. 2) If Angelina Jolie looked relaxed and happy at the SAG awards, it's because she was faded: She downed glass after glass of red wine and sneaked sips from a bottle of Grey Goose she hid under the dinner table. It might have SEEMED like she was snuggling up to Brad, but really, she as falling over, so wasted that Brad had to take care of her. She was supposed to be supporting him, since he was nominated, but instead he had to support her, because she is evil incarnate and so on. Seriously, though, drinking red wine and vodka while sitting at a table with Tilda Swinton sounds like a DREAM. Sign us up. (See Fig. 3) Last, but not least: Hollywood is being infiltrated by "lollipop heads," because if you're a female celebrity and you're not being mocked for cellulite on a "beach bodies" cover, then you will be mocked for being too thin. Ain't life grand? (See Fig. 4)
Grade: C- (granola bar)


This Week In Tabloids: Courtney the Evil Succubus Maneater Will Devour Bachelor BenS

Us
"The Bachelor Maneater."
It seems this Courtney creature is a cannibal who "shamelessly bared her breasts for an entire afternoon" and "fooled everyone during the casting process." She is not interested in true love but in becoming famous, and just a year ago, she was about to get engaged to a photographer named Cavan Clark, who was planning to proposed with a Tiffany ring SHE picked out. She broke up with him over the phone, saying she needed to be single for a while, and this was, of course, because she'd just been cast on The Bachelor. Courtney and Cavan made a sex tape, which he won't release because he is too classy. Courtney has also dated Jim Toth, Jesse Metcalfe, and Adrian Grenier. When it comes to men, she is "superaggressive" and a "stage-five clinger" who pushes herself on to poor helpless male humans. One source explains: "She's like a monkey. She won't let go of one branch until she grabs hold of another — and she's always looking for a better branch." Also, before she has sex with a guy, she asks, "are you ready for your date with destiny?" Laughing audibly, I am. Moving on! Taylor Swift and lippy Brit hottie Eddie Redmayne were both supposed to me cast in the new movie version of Les Miserables. So they met. And fell in deep like. The crush was mutual! But then TaySwift didn't get the part, and Eddie's not interested in a long distance relationship. Her dreams of writing songs about his English accent were dashed. Finally, Demi Moore's friends blame Ashton Kutcher for her downward spiral — they're all happy he is out of her life, because he was a bad influence and — just paraphrasing here — a douchebag.
Grade: C (arugula)


This Week In Tabloids: Courtney the Evil Succubus Maneater Will Devour Bachelor BenS

Star
"Jen Gets Ready For Her TWINS"
Jennifer Aniston is nesting and preparing to welcome twins into the world: A boy and a girl. This is written straight truth, not from "a source"; it doesn't say that she MIGHT be pregnant; the copy states, as fact, that Jen has already spent more than $500,000 setting up the nursery in the gender-normative colors of pink and blue, and she's "working hard" to get herself in stellar shape during her pregnancy, giving up drinking and smoking and doing prenatal yoga. Of course, this story would not be complete without a nuptial angle, and a source claims: "Jennifer is hoping that Justin will propose before the babies arrive… Marriage would be the icing on the cake!" Oh J'Anthrax, it would be awesome if any of this were true! Moving on: Beyoncé is trying to drop 40 lbs. of baby weight by doing cardio, Pilates, plyometircs, yoga and dance — as well as eating six tiny high-protein meals a day. (Protein shakes, egg-white omlettes, pineapple chunks and water.) Ooh, Amanda Seyfried and Josh HartnettHOTnett are dating, do you approve? Last: Melissa McCarthy is on a "red carpet diet," which does not mean that she is going to eat crimson rugs but that she is hoping to lose "considerable weight," according to her father. Michael McCarthy tells the mag that "she is not going to be 103 lbs.", but "she wants to lose weight now." She's eating organic food and doing Piloxing and tennis, and her dad says, "She's going to be a funny woman no matter what, but what she weighs will change."
Grade: C (white rice)

Addendum

This Week In Tabloids: Courtney the Evil Succubus Maneater Will Devour Bachelor BenS

Fig. 1, from Life & Style

This Week In Tabloids: Courtney the Evil Succubus Maneater Will Devour Bachelor BenS

Fig. 2, from In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Courtney the Evil Succubus Maneater Will Devour Bachelor BenS

Fig. 3, from In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Courtney the Evil Succubus Maneater Will Devour Bachelor BenS

Fig. 4, from In Touch