Teen Harlotry Leads Catholic School to Ban Skirts from Uniform

Starting next fall, instead of jumpers and skirts, female students at a Connecticut parochial school will dress in khakis and polo shirts just like their male classmates. Weirdly, the group most upset about this is the parents, who seem genuinely distressed by the change— not because of any practical reason, but because now they won't get to see their little girls in chaste feminine school uniforms anymore.

The surprisingly intense fracas started when the administration realized that older girls in the school were tramping up their uniforms by rolling their skirts' waistbands and thus shortening the length of the hem. Rather than instituting skirt checks administered by stern ruler wielding nuns or some other such trope from a 1980's glam rock music videos right before a rock band burst in and made everything get sexy, school officials decided to just scrap the skirts altogether and move onto khaki pants, an item of clothing I think we can universally agree makes everyone's butt look equally weird.

But the parents won't take these changes lying down. They've got precious little doll daughters they want to dress up in matching jumpers! It's "tradition," they argue, which is usually code for "I have no actual reason for why things should not change except for the fact that I like the old thing better, because I just do." One parent remarked that she likes seeing the girls all running around in skirts because usually nowadays when you see little girls running around in skirts, they're slutty skirts.

Other parents are upset that now, other members of the community will see their kids after school and think they're just some run of the mill magnet school kid, instead of one of a Catholic child in the process of learning how to personally feel immense amounts of guilt about everything for the rest of their lives.

One parent told The New Haven Register, "I would like to carry on with the beautiful tradition that the kids wear their proud uniform." Beautiful? Proud? Can't argue with those adjectives. Your move, pants advocates.

Parents blast change to New Haven Catholic School Uniform Policy [New Haven Register]