Anyone who's ever watched Dr. Oz at work knows that he is a hack of the first order. He'll happily push whatever magical berry or miracle elixir will pay him, passing it off as essential to keep you from dying—or worse, getting fat. He's a women's magazine with a mouth. So we were not shocked when a tipster alerted us to an especially craptastic email that one of her family members got from the production team at The Dr. Oz Show yesterday.
The recipient has tickets to attend a taping next week and received an email telling her to prepare for a very special "skinny clothes" episode. The basic premise isn't very earth-shattering. People hold up pieces of clothing they used to wear, and lament that they've let themselves go and can't fit in them anymore. Then Dr. Oz swoops in, moves his impressive jaw up and down a bit, and voila! Blah, blah, blah. The dumb part isn't that Dr. Oz assumes some people would like to lose weight, it's that he assumes EVERYONE does. Here's the first section of the instructions sent by the show:
Dr. Oz & our producers are asking EVERYONE to bring an item of clothing that you would like to fit back in to with you on show day!!!!! LADIES: Are you ready to get back into your "skinny clothes"? Is there one article of clothing that you would LOVE to fit into again and prove you can still get your body back where it was? How about your skinny jeans, a bathing suit, your wedding gown, pre-baby pants, a favorite outfit, or even your old prom dress?
Hey, ladies, get excited we're going to talk about how you look like a giant piece of shit. You are going to LOVE it. Given the deployment of not one but five exclamation points, it almost seems as if they know this is totally depressing but think they can trick you into having fun by blinding you with punctuation and ALL CAPS. You've got to applaud their thoroughness in suggesting outfits though. They didn't miss a single item of cliche clothing. Don't you wish you could fit in your wedding dress? If you lost 10 pounds, you could put it on every single day and aimlessly wander around the house, alone.
Lest you think that women are the only ones who get to be shamed and demeaned, here's what the email had to say about the men in the audience:
MEN: Please bring in the item that you want to fit into again too – from your wedding tux, to a bathing suit, your favorite jeans or even an outfit from high school or college.
Poor guys, there's nary an exclamation point in sight. Yeah, bring your dumb Dockers, or whatever. No one cares. Well, that covers everybody... What's that you said? You love your body the way it is and already fit into everything you own? Does not compute. Repeat:
We are asking all audience members to bring with them to the show the one garment that would be the most meaningful to fit back into. Please bring the outfit on a hanger, it will need to fit under your seat for the duration of the show.
Shoot, if it's got to fit under the seat, that rules out the giant panda suit I was going to beg Dr. Oz to help me squeeze back into. Luckily, if for some freakish reason you don't find it meaningful to try and fit into the bathing suit you wore back in third grade, there may be a small escape hatch that will keep you from going down with the ship.
NOTE: If you are not interested in participating in this segment, you still have a reservation to attend the show on the date you were booked.
You'll probably be invited to instead attend a taping for a segment entitled, "Are you suffering from a mysterious new mental illness called 'Healthy Body Image?'" during which Dr. Oz just stands there dumbfounded and says in his agressively enthusiastic way, "You really don't think you're fat? Like not even a little bit? Eat some of these special Obesity Peanuts™ and then tell me if you see how disgusting you look. Still nothing? My god. I've never seen anything like it!"