Shouting penis Newt Gingrich has been ordered to stop playing Eye of the Tiger at campaign rallies on account of the fact that he doesn't have permission to deploy it in public. But with the Florida primaries already underway, what's he supposed to play instead? Let's mine the cheesiest depths of Jock Jams and find him a new psych up song.
EMF - "Unbelievable"
Because much of what is said by Newt Gingrich (and most politicians, really) is unbelievable. Not, like, "incredible, amazing." Unbelievable as in "that is not a factual statement; I am unable to believe it."
Limp Bizkit - "Nookie"
Angry guy grabbing his crotch while strutting down the street, tailed by a group of inexplicably attractive women. Stick it up your yeah, America!
R Kelly - "I Believe I Can Fly"
Say what you will about Newt Gingrich's shortcomings; a lack of self esteem isn't one of them. Gingrich believes he can do anything. He can leave his illness-stricken wives for younger, hotter ones while running on a family values platform. He can build an America on the Moon— Moonmerica! He can be a career politician who has worked in Washington DC for decades and run for President on a platform of getting to Washington and shaking things up! If he can dream it, he can do it!
New Kids on the Block - "Hangin' Tough"
This song is about the sort of swagger that ends up getting kids punched in the face which, coincidentally, is the sort of swagger Newt has.
Mims - "This Is Why I'm Hot"
"I'm hot cause I'm fly. You ain't cause you not." That's the kind of impenetrable logic that will win you a debate.
"Space Jam" movie theme song
Again, because of the whole "moon colony" thing.
MC Hammer - "2 Legit 2 Quit"
Yeah, he's probably not going to get the Republican nomination, but that doesn't mean that Gingrich should drop out. He's legit. Almost overly so. And because of that, he'll never be able to cease whatever it is that he's doing.
John Ashcroft - "Let the Eagle Soar"
Our former Attorney General John Ashcroft was not only a purely evil analog of the Lawrence Welk show, he was also an accomplished vocalist and lyricist. His glorious, vagina-shutting rendition of "Let the Eagle Soar" is the perfect match for Romney's "America the Beautiful."
Joe Esposito - "You're The Best"
The Manchurian candidate of hype songs would be a perfect choice for Gingrich, if he hadn't already played it at a bunch of campaign rallies earlier this month. Let's hope that by now he's mastered the crane pose.