As we all know, 2012 is the year the world as we know it will cease to exist. The Mayans said so! And so did that one movie with John Cusack. Sure, there are plenty of signs that the apocalypse is not mere months away. But then again, John Cusack wouldn't lie, would he? It's confusing. That's why we have Jezebel's Monthly Apocalypse Index, in which we keep count of the many Signs The Apocalypse Is Nigh as well as the Signs Everything Is Gonna Be Okay. We'll do this on a monthly basis until December, when fire and brimstone will prevent us from going on. Ready?
January's Signs The Apocalypse is Nigh:
- Twenty tons of dead fish wash up on a beach in Norway. Tons. Scary. [+50]
- Dead blackbirds fall from the sky in Arkansas. Possibly because of fireworks. Still. [+25]
- People are naming their kids after Kardashians. Headdesk. [+20]
- The Doomsday clock has moved one minute closer to midnight. Uh-oh. [+75]
- The FDA stopped importing orange juice (breakfast is doomed!) [+10]
- Friday the 13th will occur 3 times, 13 weeks apart this year. Not a good sign. [+25]
- 7 million bats have died from a fungus. Who will eat the mosquitoes? [+10]
- An 11-year-old girl was gang-raped by a teen gang called Slut Them Bitches. Fuck. [+500]
- Shudder: Mountain Dew folks admit their beverage could dissolve a rodent. [+10]
- Thousands of birds black out the sky in Kentucky. Sounds biblical. [+20]
- Thousands of birds are flocking to Israel — holy crap, the holy land! [+50]
- Thousands of birds are flocking to New Jersey. Repeat: New Jersey. [+75]
Total: 870
January's Signs Everything is Going To Be Okay and Life Will Go On:
- Cooked tomatoes slow down cancer. Spaghetti will save us all! [-20]
- A monkey thought to be extinct was found in Borneo. Awesome. [-10]
- Puppies!!! The world cannot end while puppies are still so darn cute. [-5]
- Blue Ivy Carter, heir to the Illuminati throne, already hit the Billboard chart. [-4]
- NASA insists world is not ending, and they would know. [-50]
Total: 89
January's Apocalyptic Score: 781
In other words, start buying dry goods for your bunker.
