There's Just Something About Pippa

According to the Daily Beast — and just about everyone else in the know including you, just now — Oprah Winfrey and Barbara Walters are preparing to engage in a Thunderdome-like TV bidding war for the privilege of conducting Pippa Middleton's first full-length interview, in which she'll hopefully reveal all the secrets to party-planning her parents have been profiting off for the last two decades. (Oh, NBC is reportedly in the running too but Oprah vs. Barbara Walters is way more dramatic.)

News of this escalating media conflict comes after Middleton signed a $500,000 deal with Penguin to write a book about putting on fancy parties, probably using some combination of paper hats, cookie cake, and petting zoo animals. Walters is reportedly seeking approval on a six-figure deal, even as NBC straps armor to Matt Lauer's chest and oils up his limbs for combat. One source makes especially good use of militaristic language by claiming, "The big guns of U.S. TV see Pippa as the big-name interview of 2012. They are offering money as a charity donation, too, so that Pippa wouldn't be seen as cashing in on her book."

Ah, the noble lure of philanthropy! Maybe instead of just a single interviewer, Matt Lauer, Oprah, and Barbara Walters could form a triumvirate and take turns grilling Pippa Middleton with questions like, "Did your parents neglect your birthday because they were so busy planning parties for strangers?" An all-out TV bidding war would only seem to raise Middleton's profile and exacerbate the "serious distress and anxiety" that the constant swarm of paparazzi horseflies has caused her since her sister got married this past spring and the world realized that the new Duchess of Cambridge has an attractive, charming younger sister for it to gossip about. If she's so overwrought from constant media attention, she could probably use without a prime time heart-to-heart, but I think we're all very eager to get an insider's look at the parties that party planners throw for their own children.

U.S. Heavyweights Wrestle for First Pippa Middleton Interview [TDB]