This Week in Tabloids: Angelina Weighs 98 Lbs, Is Pregnant and Headed to RehabS

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we rummage through the dumpsters of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star, in search of good gossip. This week, Katy Perry's cocaine cowboy homies busted up her marriage; "newly single" Johnny Depp bought a "bachelor pad" with 13 bedrooms; and Angelina's unborn child is sucking up her lifeblood.


This Week in Tabloids: Angelina Weighs 98 Lbs, Is Pregnant and Headed to RehabS

Ok!
"Leah's Heartbreak."
Apparently Teen Mom's Leah Messer has suffered a miscarriage. Her fiancé Jeremy Calvert says, 'It's hard, but we will get through it." She is very emotional, has been crying a lot and so on. They will still get married, and eventually try again. Let's move on. Jennifer Aniston is going to give Justin Theroux a "second chance" even though he is moody, controlling and uncommunicative. Of course, that's not his fault, it's Jen's, because, as the sidebar explains, she always picks the wrong guys. (See Fig. 1) Last, but not least, celebs love Esprit's patterned blanket coat, which the mag calls a "Navajo" coat, even though it is not made by Navajo people in the Navajo nation. (See Fig. 2)
Grade: F (maggot-infested meat)


This Week in Tabloids: Angelina Weighs 98 Lbs, Is Pregnant and Headed to RehabS

Life & Style
"Brad's Fears For Shiloh."
This story should be called, "Once Again We Are Going To Make A Big Deal Out Of A Little Girl's Haircut." Shiloh's hair is super short again — much like Michelle Williams, or Carey Mulligan, or Mia Farrow — and psychologists have been asked to weigh in! One says, "This is a culture where kids get picked on if they don't look like other kids. Shiloh's already different — being the daughter of superstars — and she may already feel ostracized because of that." An insider offers: "Shiloh definitely suffers from middle-child syndrome. Everything she does is to get attention because she craves being the center of it all." But! Also! She might want to be a boy! See, Shiloh keeps changing her name — from John to Ben to Gregory to Shax (which she chose because all her brothers' names end in the letter X — and she only does "boy" activities like gymnastics (?!?!) and rock-climbing (?!?!), which ladies shouldn't do since there are no fainting couches involved. Brad's "fear" is not that Shiloh might identify as a boy but that she'll get picked on. Like, maybe by tabloids. Also inside: Ryan Gosling has said goodbye to Eva Mendes while he films a movie in Thailand for five months. Hey Girl, never leave your Baby Goose unattended! Kris Humphries' new "lair" is a man cave that will be featured on a show called Man Caves on the DIY network, and we suspect that channel's demographic will not give a shit. (See Fig. 3) Next, "newly single" Johnny Depp has purchased an $11 million bachelor pad in Norfolk, England, and it has 13 bedrooms, perfect for a single father of two. Lastly, Cameron Diaz changed her look — got implants and a haircut — because she's about to turn 40, Timberlake proposed to Biel, and her "self-esteem is in a bad place." Meh, doubt it.
Grade: D+ (mattress rife with bed bugs)


This Week in Tabloids: Angelina Weighs 98 Lbs, Is Pregnant and Headed to RehabS

In Touch
"Destroyed By Mom!"
We heard from him two weeks ago in Star, and now here he is again: Kris Jenner's ex Todd Waterman says they had sexy sex while she was married to Robert Kardashian. And! Her mom's slutty ways are the reason Kim have sex in her teens, made a sex tape with Ray-J, got married at 19 and so on. The copy reads: "Observing her mother's conduct while growing up helped push Kim to mimic Kris and led to a constant need for attention, her attraction to athletes and her failed first marriage… On the plus side, Kim has inherited her mom's work ethic." Ha! There's always a silver-plated lining. Also inside: Beyoncé "hates her body right now," a source claims, so she's on the gut-wrenching Master Cleanse. Is she breastfeeding? Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have a 22,000 square foot home that looks like a fucking hotel (See Fig. 4). Being the 1% looks awesome. Johnny Depp has been "secretly getting cozy" with his publicist, Robin Baum, but the "stolen kiss" looks to be of the cheek variety, which proves nothing. (See Fig. 5) The Heidi/Seal headline in this mag is called "Married To A Monster," and a "friend" says, "Their marriage was fake in many ways. Seal was really terrible to Heidi." Jada Pinkett Smith has moved out of her home and is staying with her brother, and she and Will Smith are "only together for the sake of the kids." Finally, four words: "Hollywood's Puffy Face Syndrome!" (See Fig. 6)
Grade: C- (wet wood)


This Week in Tabloids: Angelina Weighs 98 Lbs, Is Pregnant and Headed to RehabS

Us
"Heidi's Private Hell."
When Heidi and Seal were in Aspen over the holidays, they were barely speaking to each other, and witnesses say, "you could tell there was a lot of tension between them." Apparently Seal has mood swings and is jealous of Heidi's fame and career. Plus! Heidi is an "upbeat, happy person," while Seal has a troubled, sad background, and it makes him an amazing artist but a terrible husband. Also, he'd been on tour for months and months, and even booked work on Thanksgiving and Valentines Day, which gave Heidi a sad because she looooves holidays. Anyway, they're both workaholics, they still love each other, they're both heartbroken, but it just wasn't working. Sniffle. Also inside: Russell Brand has been hooking up with ladies and talking shit about Katy Perry to them. And there's a Taylor Armstrong story so intense we're saving it for a separate post, so stay tuned.
Grade: B- (day-old donuts)


This Week in Tabloids: Angelina Weighs 98 Lbs, Is Pregnant and Headed to RehabS

Star
"98 Lbs, Pregnant & Headed For Rehab!"
This headline is reminiscent of the tabloids of yore, when all kinds of shit would get piled on, like ELVIS SEEN EATING WITH ALIEN AND BIGFOOT AT SHOPPING MALL or whatever. If only the editors had gotten more creative! Like, couldn't Angelina be 98 lbs. and pregnant with conjoined twins who will need to be separated at birth in a risky surgery? Or 98 lbs., pregnant, and headed to The White House? Anyway, you've heard all this before, but here it is: Angie is knocked up. The mag claims she is "expecting the couple's third biological child," and since she already has three biokids, they must have buried the lede — maybe Vivienne isn't hers? Anyway, she suffering from exhaustion, not eating, super depressed, yadda yadda yadda. Brad MIGHT send her to a facility, which sounds less like a rehab and more like a spa, since it is in Cap D'Antibes and called Clinique Science & Beauté. I mean, I would go there willingly. Anyway, she's on the verge of a breakdown, guys, so watch out. Also inside: Rachel Crow from X Factor is determined to lose weight so she can get a record deal. The real reason Katy Perry and Russell Brand broke up is because her friends are snowbunny blow fiend coke enthusiasts. Katy herself doesn't do drugs, but she does stay up all night with these yayo yodels and Russell, as a recovering addict, was like, it's me or them. And Katy chose the nose hoes. Speaking of drugs! Lady Gaga's relationship with hot hottie Taylor Kinney is "toxic" because they spend all their time together getting wasted. The two share an interest in "binge drinking, pill-popping, pot smoking, bar hopping and vicious fighting." A source claims Gaga could go-go at any time: "Her lupus is far worse than she lets on… Underneath the wigs and the makeup, her hair is falling out and her skin is covered in blotches. It's not going to end well." While you're letting that sink in, get ready to deal with yet another high-profile couple on the rocks: Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are on the verge of a split. They fight nonstop, and he can't deal with how his rock-star status has dwindled as hers soared. Tale as old as time! Oh wait, that's Beauty and the Beast. Next, Catherine Zeta-Jones, 42, is pregnant with a "miracle baby," her "dream gift" from cancer-free husband Michael Douglas. A source says the 67-year-old is "ready for another baby." Pardon my snicker. The visual on "Mob Wives' Big Ang: I Want More Surgery!" speaks for itself. (See Fig. 7) The Heidi and Seal news here notes that Seal has admitted that his late father beat him with whips, belts and fists, and the pain is still with him. But let's end on a lighter, I mean darker, note: The lady in this Lichi ad may have lost 40 lbs., but she gained African-American ancestry. (See Fig. 8)
Grade: B (dilapidated mid-century modern desk)


Addendum

This Week in Tabloids: Angelina Weighs 98 Lbs, Is Pregnant and Headed to RehabS

Fig. 1, from Ok!

This Week in Tabloids: Angelina Weighs 98 Lbs, Is Pregnant and Headed to RehabS

Fig. 2, from Ok!

This Week in Tabloids: Angelina Weighs 98 Lbs, Is Pregnant and Headed to RehabS

Fig. 3, from Life & Style

This Week in Tabloids: Angelina Weighs 98 Lbs, Is Pregnant and Headed to RehabS

Fig. 4, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: Angelina Weighs 98 Lbs, Is Pregnant and Headed to RehabS

Fig. 5, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: Angelina Weighs 98 Lbs, Is Pregnant and Headed to RehabS

Fig. 6, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: Angelina Weighs 98 Lbs, Is Pregnant and Headed to RehabS

Fig. 7, from Star

This Week in Tabloids: Angelina Weighs 98 Lbs, Is Pregnant and Headed to RehabS

Fig. 8, from Star