13 Things on Etsy You Can Use To Kill Someone

O, the pressures and intricacies of modern life! Sometimes you want to escape the complexities and machines and the traffic and the voices and be surrounded by soft, simple humanity. And sometimes you want to kill someone. Why not turn to Esty, the handmade (and vintage) marketplace, and search for your (delightfully affordable) weapon of choice?

13 Things on Etsy You Can Use To Kill Someone

Annoying hipster in your life? Strangle that sucker with a hand-kitted skinny scarf. Blue is the color of my true love's eyes, but he won't stop jabbering about the garlic scapes from his CSA. ($24)

13 Things on Etsy You Can Use To Kill Someone

A thin leather belt makes a good garrotte; bonus points if you use it on a vegan. ($10)

13 Things on Etsy You Can Use To Kill Someone

My darling, this monogrammed pillow has your name on it… And tonight, I will use it to smother you. ($67)

13 Things on Etsy You Can Use To Kill Someone

If a thief should see your laptop
And slyly attempt to snatch it
Think of little Lizzie Borden
And have at him with hatchet. ($12)

13 Things on Etsy You Can Use To Kill Someone

A Sweeney Todd fantasy can be fulfilled with an old-school straight razor. ($49)

13 Things on Etsy You Can Use To Kill Someone

Outdoorsy types or medieval madams can get all LARP-y, or Predator or Hunger Games on someone's ass with a handmade crossbow. ($25)

13 Things on Etsy You Can Use To Kill Someone

Maybe you're the type of gal who'd like to get real close and personal and stab someone in the gut. Hunting knives abound, from a utilitarian taxidermy blade ($15) to the more elegant (and deadly-looking) green Heron hunting knife, above. For more flourish, you might choose the wonderful Kraken dagger, and quote some Macbeth: Is this a dagger which I see before me? The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee. I have thee not, and yet I see thee still. O, wait. I do have thee. Let me plunge thee into mine enemy. (Exeunt, pursued by a bear.)

13 Things on Etsy You Can Use To Kill Someone

Maybe a dagger is too thuggish. Maybe you require a more feminine weapon — something to pair with a gossamer gown and tresses strewn with flowers. Maybe you love LOTR. Slay the foul orc from customer service with the Sword of Eowyn, and thank Gandalf it looks easy to clean. ($42.50)

13 Things on Etsy You Can Use To Kill Someone

You're so country your momma makes everything you wear, your daddy's car runs on moonshine and your uncle was buried in overalls holding his fishing pole. You need an alligator jawbone knife, and you need it fast. You'd like to boast that you can travel with it and it won't never get picked up by metal detectors, but since you've never been on a plane, you just keep quiet. They'll all be sorry, soon, anyway. ($19.88)

13 Things on Etsy You Can Use To Kill Someone

Aww, peanut pocket knife, adorable! And certainly sharp enough to slice through a jugular. ($32)

13 Things on Etsy You Can Use To Kill Someone

You're dancing at the Midnight Club, swaying to Sisters Of Mercy, wearing a latex lace-up skirt and a bustier when you see him across the room. He's got that idiotic top hat on, and from what you know about him, he's probably telling that blonde in skinny jeans that he's a vampire. You beckon him toward you, turning your finger spikes inward so that when you get your hands around his neck and squeeze, everyone will find out he's not really immortal, after all. ($70)

13 Things on Etsy You Can Use To Kill Someone

If you don't like blood and would prefer not to risk staining your outfit, just brew up a nice cup of tea using deadly nightshade (aka belldonna, aka Solanum Douglasii) and serve it to your victim. Symptoms include dry mouth, dilated pupils, hallucinations, convulsions, coma, and death. ($4)

13 Things on Etsy You Can Use To Kill Someone

Similarly? Henbane, which causes hallucinations, dilated pupils, restlessness, flushed skin, tachycardia, convulsions, vomiting, hypertension, hyperpyrexia and ataxia, and yeah, if you give 'em enough, death. At a bargain-basement price! ($1.50)