It's Time to Get Rick Santorum a Uterus of His Very Own

Monday marks the first full day of the 40th year of Roe v. Wade, but the 53rd year, 8th month, and 14th day that Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum has existed on this planet without a uterus of his very own. With a public empathetic to poor Rick's plight, advanced medical science, and your generosity, we will turn the tide for Rick and give him the uterus he so desperately wants.

Rick wants to believe that every uterus is his business, but, in his heart of hearts, he knows that he has no uterus that truly belongs to him. I know that if perhaps he had one to look after and name and teach tricks, he'd probably back off of mine and yours, enthralled with the joys of menstruation, bloating, possible monthly pregnancy, and, later on in life, ladycancers. Even though his Creator cruelly deprived Rick Santorum of a uterus by design, He would not have given human beings brains capable of discovering the wonders of medicine if He did not want us to implant a uterus in Rick Santorum.

This anniversary of Roe v. Wade is both a day to celebrate freedom for the 100 million or so women of childbearing age in the US who have the choice of if, when, and how they'd like to become mothers, but it's also a day of sadness and for papers to publish intellectually incoherent op-eds for men like Rick Santorum who, more than anything, would like to force women to carry all pregnancies to term, regardless of the circumstances of conception and at the risk of severely mentally or physically injuring the woman carrying the pregnancy. It's a day of mourning for the uterus that never was.

Rick Santorum states explicitly, "I have learned lessons about the value of all life from my children. I grieve for the children lost and for the mothers who have been deceived by a society selling selfishness. I am thankful for the faithful workers around the country who serve at pro-life pregnancy centers providing women honest information and additional choices."

His Wall Street Journal op-ed is clear. His biology is inconvenient.

Rick Santorum has shown the American people time and time again that he's the most anti-abortion of all the candidates, that more than anything, he wishes to have a uterus inside of him, so he can put a baby in it. And now, I'm appealing to you, American people. Let's give Rick Santorum all the uterine delights that most women casually take for granted.

I'm imploring all of you to consider making a small donation to the Rick Santorum campaign today, so that we can help make Rick's dream of owning a uterus a reality. If you can't afford to donate a uterus, look inside your heart and consider donating something smaller, to help Rick care for his new friend.

1 Tampon will provide protection from three to seven hours of menstruation
1 Pad will provide Rick's new uterus with less invasive protection and overnight protection
1 Pregnancy test will let Rick know when his uterus is pregnant
1 Pack of Plan B will give Rick the opportunity to flush it down the toilet while crying "No! No! I'm going to have your baby!"
1 IUD will give Rick the opportunity to pretend that it's a Jaws Harp before throwing it away
$500 to $3000 will cover the cost of delivery for Rick's uterus's baby

On this day after the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, I call for you, America, to respect the rights of the man born without a uterus to have one of his own to manage. Donations can be sent to Rick Santorum's Florida campaign headquarters.

1680 Fruitville Road
Suite 102
Sarasota, FL 34236

Thank you, and God bless Rick Santorum's new uterus.

My Fight for Life [WSJ]