Auf Wiedersehen, Love — Heidi and Seal Split

In case you, like the starry-eyed New York Post, were holding out any hope of a reconciliation between Heidi Klum and Seal, disabuse yourself right now of such foolishness — it will only make the heartbreak easier to bear. We could try to diffuse this horrible moment in pop culture history by making some crass joke about rose petals and how they're wilting, but, unlike the caricature couples that broke up recently, i.e. Krussell and Krim, Heidi Klum and Seal seemed like they were in love forever, an insight I've come to solely by analyzing red carpet photographs. After Seal tweeted "The End" on Friday, more news of the impossible break-up started leaking through the media outlets until last night the couple's split seemed less a threat from celebrity news mongers to pay more attention to them and more like an inevitable fact of the cynical age we live in — Klum is expected to file papers in Los Angeles County Superior Court this week, citing irreconcilable differences, one of which might be Seal's reported hard-partying lifestyle. If you really want to torture yourself though, I think I've found a hitch in Klum's plan because she's German so maybe somehow...the courts won't...ugh, I can't even. Sorry, guys. [Daily Mail, Page Six]

  • Best to get all the break-up news out of the way — Kris Humphries has finally found the courage to end an abusive relationship with his cracker jack PR team, Anderson Public Relations. TMZ would like you to believe that there's some significance in the fact that Humphries's time with the PR company lasted one whole day longer than his marriage to Kim Kardashian, but that would be imputing more sense of narrative unity to Kris Humphries than I'm comfortable with. APR slimed its way into Humphries' basketball shorts in the wake of his divorce, probably promising to help him through tough times and telling him that he was really special. Sources say the two sides split over a serious disagreement about Humphries's post-basketball career of shopping for La-Z-Boy recliners at Minnesota outlet malls and listlessly pushing his gas-powered snow blower around his yard. [TMZ]
  • Vanessa Paradis also dispelled any hope that things could turn around between her and Johnny Depp when she said that she doesn't believe in soulmates because "if you lose your soulmate everything is done for." Everything? Paradis explained to members of the whimsical public that while "the idea of a soulmate is beautiful and very romantic to talk about [] in a movie or a song," she finds the reality of a soulmate "scary." Maybe about as scary as it is for us to watch storybook romances crumble faster than the U.S. manufacturing sector. [Daily Mail]
  • Don't take your heart out of the garbage disposal just yet because the ever-reliable Mirror is reporting that after not having seen each for for over a month, cleavage-bearing couple Simon Cowell and Mezghan Hussainy are "on a break." Cowell says he got caught up in the moment when he proclaimed on TV last year that Hussainy was "The One," and explained his current emotional state thusly: "I'm vulnerable. It's not on, it's not off, it's somewhere in the middle. I don't know if I will ever get married, but I am happy." The talent show mogul then talked morbidly about how he shelled out a quarter of a million dollars for a DNA genome sequence test to determine if he had any reason to regret being such a cad. He also decided to kick his smoking habit because the world shouldn't be cheated out of its time with Simon Cowell. [Mirror, Daily Mail]
  • George Lucas has decided to break up with Star Wars because he doesn't like the way people look at him when he holds hands with the popular movie franchise. Lucas says he's tired of hearing fanboys and girls complain about how god-fucking-awful the prequel movies were and told the New York Times magazine, "On the Internet, all those same guys that are complaining I made a change are completely changing the movie. I'm saying: 'Fine. But my movie, with my name on it, that says I did it, needs to be the way I want it.'" That's right, George Lucas — they're your movies and you can make them as terrible as you want. Star Wars fans have come out of their parents' basements everywhere to tell Lucas not to be so self-righteous, but he seems upset enough to really stay away from space forever. That, however, won't stop him from having casual sex with Star Wars again when he starts rolling out 3-D versions of the movies next month beginning with Episode I: The Phantom Menace. [NDNY, NY Times]
  • In the news of marginal celebrities, Erica Lynn, who apparently caused a ruckus on season 7 of Bad Girls Club and subsequently achieved a fly's heartbeat worth of fame when she filmed a sex tape with her now ex-boyfriend, is having a tattoo of her now ex's initials inside a heart changed to a tasteful leopard-print heart because life goes on. [TMZ]
  • Which, coincidentally, is the perfect segue into the day's good news! MTV UK is reporting that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux could be expecting their first child because, well, why couldn't they? They're both apparently healthy, fertile humans and everybody in Hollywood knows that Aniston is apparently baby-crazy, so it makes perfect sense. No word on a due date or whether there's a developing pre-human in Jennifer Aniston's body, but some reports claim that she could be six months pregnant. [MTV UK]
  • In confirmed offspring news, actress Jenna Von Oy, who you may know better as Six from Blossom, says she's pregnant with her first child and explains how she broke the news to her husband: "I handed him a handmade that card and when he opened it up, it said, ‘You're going to be a daddy,' and it had the EPT test underneath. It was the most beautiful evening!" [E!]
  • At the other pole of the circle of life, the severed head that was found earlier this week under the Hollywood sign has been identified by the LAPD coroner as having belonged to 66-year-old Los Angeles resident Hervey Medellin. Police have no leads on a murder suspect. [Wash Post]
  • Here's another fantasy ripe for the crushing — Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint may not be best friends in real life. In an effort to ruin everything for everyone, Radcliffe explained that, while he and Emma Watson text each other like all the time, he and Grint are more like terse acquaintances: "If I see him every six months or so, it's a friendly ‘hello, how's things with you' but that's about it." [Mirror]
  • Cary Mulligan claims she didn't get friendly with Shame co-star Michael Fassbender because she's either a monster or because their characters shared a deep antipathy and it made dramatic sense for her not to succumb to Fassbender's hypnotic charm. [Express]
  • Holy shit — Miley Cyrus got a new haircut and the world knows this because a) there are creepy paparazzi photos to prove it and b) Cyrus tweeted "Just got a hurrrr cut." [E!]
  • Jessica Alba thinks that Beyoncé should sell pictures of Blue Ivy Carter in order to avoid a public "hysteria." [NDNY]
  • In case you're dying to know who and what won at the Producers Guild Awards, The Artist tiptoed silently home with the prize for best picture, and though this may seem irrelevant, consider that the last four "Best Picture" winners at the Academy Awards all jumped through the PGA ring of fire first. [OMG]
  • A group that included Anna Farris and Michelle Williams went on a vision quest (they went rock climbing in jeans) in Coyote Canyon. [TMZ]
  • Drew Peterson has called Rob Lowe's portrayal of him in the Lifetime movie Drew Peterson: Untouchable, "Hysterical." Yeah, it's all fun and games until someone gets...oh, right. [Radar]
  • William Balfour will stand trial on April 23 for the murder of Jennifer Hudson's mother, brother, and nephew. [BET]
  • Every excuse Mark Wahlberg gives for talking about how he'd bust some terrorist heads if he'd been on a 9/11 flight is dumb. Case in point: "Because of the fact that I had a reservation on one of those flights, it's always a topic of conversation." [Ministry]
  • Producers of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills may remove Kim Richards and Taylor Armstrong from the show, but Camille Grammer gets to stay because that's the kind of crazy world we're living in. [NDNY]
  • Jim Bob Duggar voiced support for a controversial boycott of Girl Scout cookies in the wake of the Scouts' decision to allow a transgender child named Taylor to join them. In totally unrelated news, a brand-new reality show is being kicked around: "19 Reasons and Counting Why Social Conservatives Can Be Assholes." [HuffPo]