Every Headline About Rick Santorum Winning in Iowa is Disgusting


After recounting the votes in the Iowa caucuses, a bombshell from The Hawkeye State: the winner of the first contest of the primary season wasn't actually Mitt Romney, but Pennsylvania shitstain Rick Santorum. And thanks to the pervasive neologism of Santorum's name, every single headline about it is disgusting.

The Washington Post (and every jokester on Twitter) reports that eight precincts failed to turn in their votes by the caucuses' deadline, and thus their votes will never be counted. The final count of votes that followed the rules: Rick Santorum- 29,839 votes, Mitt Romney- 29,805 votes. The Santorum campaign says that this should be a game-changer that will totally tip the election in favor of their guy, but that seems unlikely. Rick Santorum is best known to the younger generation as a gay-hating abortion ban-happy zealot with a name that means post-anal sex discharge.

I cannot see Rick Santorum's name anymore without remembering the words "frothy" and "fecal." And every headline is now a double entendre. Santorum is surging. Santorum is getting a boost. Various homophobes are endorsing Santorum. Santorum doesn't care about birth control. Santorum is running. Santorum is attacking. Santorum mounts. Santorum defends. Santorum blasts. Santorum rips.

Santorum cries.

These brain assaults won't end until his candidacy ends, and even then, we're probably doomed to at least a Fox News show that will also be a double entendre, or images of his sneering half smirk offering advice to other candidates. Listen to the wisdom of Santorum, you guys. Buy an at-home enema kit.

Santorum finishes 34 votes ahead of Romney in new Iowa tally [WaPo]