This Week in Tabloids: How To Seduce Ryan Gosling

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, open the closets of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star, looking for hidden garment bags of gossip. This week, Both Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are pregnant; Russell Brand is writing a tell-all book about Katy Perry; and we discover how Eva Mendes "turned" Ryan Gosling into her boyfriend.


This Week in Tabloids: How To Seduce Ryan Gosling

Ok!
"Angelina's Pregnant!"
The cover claims "it's official," but, of course, there is no official statement from Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt inside. Instead, there's a quote from an unnamed source, who "confirms" that Angie is almost three months along" and only "telling a very select group of people." We're supposed to believe editors at Ok! are among this VIP clique. The story also includes some sexytimes info, noting that since Brad and Angelina have been trying to get pregnant, the goal has "really taken their sex life over the top." Hot. Also inside: Halle Berry is trying to have a baby with Olivier Martinez, and a source says, "They're so happy, another baby will be icing on the cake." Fleshy, juicy, cannibalized frosting. Jillian Michaels has "been matched" with a little girl in Haiti and is close to finalizing the adoption. Finally, Katy Perry is quite happy to be rid of Russell Brand, since she loves to travel and party and get wasted and he was all zen and sober and in settle-down mode. She felt he was "dragging her down," and she's ready to celebrating losing "175 lbs. of dead weight" by going on a topical trip with Rihanna and some other gal pals. Single and ready to mingle!
Grade: D (smelly old fur coat in which mice have been living and breeding)


This Week in Tabloids: How To Seduce Ryan Gosling

Life & Style
"How She Seduced Ryan"
Very rarely is there a handsome young man on the cover of the celebrity weeklies… And very rarely is your boyfriend sucked into the toxic vortex populated by Kardashians, J'Anthrax, Brange and Teen Moms. But here he is: Ryan Gosling, looking appropriately dazed and confused. You'd think a story called "How Eva Seduced Ryan" would be an instruction manual of sorts — and the deck on the piece claims it's all about how she "turned the hottest guy in Hollywood into her boyfriend," but there's very little in the way of tips, spells, witchcraft or sorcery. Instead there are quotes like "Ryan is obsessed — he wants to see Eva all the time!" and yawn-inducing details like, "she played it cool… getting to know him gradually." Then we find out all kinds of stuff we don't want to know, like Eva and Ryan aren't into fancy restaurants — they prefer grubby food and dive bars — and "she's wildly passionate and impulsive. He thinks of her as the female version of himself." Gah. Fuck. Where is the part about him wishing he could be with [insert your name here]??? Anyway, there's trouble in paradise, because Eva is "so L.A." and a chain-smoker, and Ryan's mom liked Canadian good-girl Rachel McAdams better. Sigh. Best way to seduce Ryan Gosling? Be Eva Mendes. Let's move on. Khloe Kardashian was all alone and cuddling with her "blankey" one night early this month while her hubs, Lamar Odom, was at a strip club. A dancer claims he did not go into a private room for a lap dance but sat with friends and ordered champagne and chicken wings. But! He did make it rain: "Yes, he was throwing money at the strippers, but as a gesture and part of the fun, a "pal" claims. Meanwhile! Scott "American Psycho" Disick has "walked out" on Kourtney. He's been hanging in NYC and "their relationship is struggling." Next, Katy Perry recently shot an Adidas commercial, but in the wake of her split with Russell Brand, she is "having a tough time right now" and is very sad and "crying a lot." Finally, "We Never Have Sex" is a story about Bethenny Frankel, who says: "Intimacy is challenging... Jason's penis has cobwebs on it." Jesus. Tee em eye.
Grade: D+ (box of Christmas ornaments now home to a colony of spiders)


This Week in Tabloids: How To Seduce Ryan Gosling

Us
"Russell's Shocking Tell-All."
Apparently Russell Brand is working on the third installment of his Booky Wook series, and plans to talk all about his 14-month marriage to Katy Perry, offering his side of the story. He'll cover married life, the breakup, and moving on. He's already started recording audio notes on his phone and documenting thoughts and feelings on video, and since he's into openness and honesty, we'd like to tell his version of exactly what happened: The things he had to put up with and the things she had to put up with. His rep denies that he is working on a book, but that doesn't stop Us from printing a four page story about it! Also inside: Taylor Swift and Zac Efron went on a dinner date, but it was "not romantic." They're just both voices in the abominable Lorax remake. George Clooney, Stacy The Elf, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie shared a private jet from L.A. to the Palm Springs International Film Festival, but Angelina "refused to even acknowledge that Stacy was on the plane," a source huffs. "Angelina went out of her way to ignore her, from takeoff to landing." Maybe she was tired? Maybe Stacy didn't try and be friendly? Maybe Ange was like, eh, by the time I get to know this chick, George will have a new one? (Why, yes, I am an Angelina apologist.) Cameron Diaz was spotted "straddling" Diddy at the CAA part in West Hollywood last week, and a witness spills: "Her hair was all crazy, her makeup was smeared and they made out in front of everyone." Raise your eyebrows and clutch your pearls, ladies. The Heather Locklear story claims the actress is "a mess" and "doesn't get out of bed most days" and "can't stop drinking," and in case you have any doubts, there's a photograph of Heather, heavy-lidded, reaching for a cocktail the way a zombie reaches for braaaains (See Fig. 1). Finally: Rihanna and Chris Brown have been indulging in "secret hookups," and Chris's black Range Rover with Virginia license plates has been parked at her house twice in the last month — but Chris and Rihanna usually hookup at a music studio. This, despite the fact that Chris assaulted RiRi in 2009 and currently has a girlfriend, Karrueche Tran. But Chris and Ri are getting off on the clandestine nature of the affair; an insider says "Having these flings without the world knowing has made the hookups even hotter." Sigh.
Grade: C- (cashmere sweater full of moth holes)


This Week in Tabloids: How To Seduce Ryan Gosling

Star
"I Want You Back!"
This is the kind of story you can almost recite by heart: "Pregnant Jennifer Aniston is terrified that she'll end up alone again," it begins. Her romance with Justin Theroux "hit the skids" during their ski vacation in Telluride, mostly because Jen is having the wild mood swings that go with her pregnancy. She's hyperemotional, sensitive, and bloated, and has been taking it out on Justin, who told her she was ruining his vacation and then "sped off into the night on his motorcycle." Just like Brad used to do! "And as is often the case, Jen's thoughts soon turned to Brad…" So she called him, crying, and "blurted out," "I miss you. I want you back!" Brad was just listening and trying to be a friend, and because he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, he didn't realize that having heart-to-heart conversations with Jen was leading her on. Anyway, Jen has a "telltale baby bump," which is different than a telltale heart, I guess (I hope!) and the last thing she wants to do is announce that she's pregnant… and that she and the father have broken up. Dun dun DUN. In happier Jen news, she's decided to adopt a dog from a shelter. Moving on! Jeff Goldblum's new girlfriend is a professional contortionist. Heather Locklear punched Jack Wagner during a huge fight before she was rushed to the hospital. Sandra Bullock doesn't care that Ryan Reynolds is dating Blake Lively — she wants to marry him and thinks he is her "perfect man." Cameron Diaz would "love to find a good man," and is feeling kind of low since her career's not going so great, she's about to turn 40, and her two BFFs — Drew Barrymore and Kate Hudson — have both coupled up. Last, but definitely not least, Todd Waterman, an animator for Disney films, says she had an "intense" affair with Kris Jenner in the late 1980s, while she was married to Robert Kardashian. "It was scandalous," he admits. Is he Khloe's real dad?
Grade: C+ (old trenchcoat with holes in the pockets)


This Week in Tabloids: How To Seduce Ryan Gosling

In Touch
"101 Red Carpet Blunders"
Okay, listen, as an entertainment enthusiast who makes a living following the minutiae of celebrity gossip, I encounter many facets of star coverage. And while I despise the the fawning profile as much as the mean-spirited fat-shaming "beach bodies" issues, this kind of thing — hilarious red carpet photos — is right up my alley. It's mythbusting, in that it knocks "perfect" and "flawless" ladies down a peg, but also humanizing, heart-warming and encouraging: With their pit stains and lipstick-smudged teeth, stars are just like us! There's nothing wrong with enjoying harmless blunders where no one gets hurt and it's just one "oops" moment caught on camera. It's all in good fun! Here, you'll find nip slips, pants unzipped, crazy hair, boob adjustments, terrible dresses and a little section called "Lovely Ladies, Ugly Feet." Bunions, you guys! One of the best pages is "Not Their Best Look," in which powdery faces and bad hair share he page with ghoulish eyeshadow. (See Fig. 2) Also inside: Jennifer Aniston is "looking bumpy" — one button on her coat doesn't close well, therefor she is pregnant (See Fig. 3). Angelina Jolie had a "jealous meltdown" at the Palm Springs film festival when everyone wanted to talk about Brad's knee injury instead of her film about Bosnia. "Everybody's been making too big a deal about a cane," she snapped. "Seriously, there are so many other things you should be focusing on in the world." She's right! Says the Angelina Stan. Also, George Clooney tried to get Angie and Brad to go on a double date with him and Stacy The Elf, and Angie nixed it, having "no desire" to meet the "wannabe" and former wrestler. Next, Jennelle from Teen Mom is being called "Mother Of The Year," and here are some photos of her earning that title (See Fig. 4). Katy Perry is "very worried" about what Russell might do in the wake of their split, since he is "unbelievably bitter." He says she was so focused on her tour, she never made time for him — and since he didn't sign a prenup or confidentiality agreement, he just might air some dirty laundry. Jennifer Lopez has asked American Idol producers to find a job for her 24-year-old boyfriend. "Casper has some title, but no one knows what he's supposed to be doing," an insider says. The lady knows how to take care of her interests. Last, but not least, urgent breaking news: Rihanna's turning into Whitney! (See Fig. 5).
Grade: A- (vintage Vuitton trunk)


Addendum

This Week in Tabloids: How To Seduce Ryan Gosling

Fig. 1, from Us

This Week in Tabloids: How To Seduce Ryan Gosling

Fig. 2, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: How To Seduce Ryan Gosling

Fig. 3, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: How To Seduce Ryan Gosling

Fig. 4, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: How To Seduce Ryan Gosling

Fig. 5, from In Touch