Friends, awards season has begun. And this show — the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards — is the one where incandescent luminaries from the silver screen mingle with the heavenly bodies from the boob tube, everyone gets drunk and Ricky Gervais uses his ginsu wit to shred their egos. Some of these folks were sipping booze in the limo on the way to the venue, and may already be nicely lubricated, so pour yourself a glass of howdyacall and let's get started.
I am watching NBC and their sound is effed. Literally no sound. And it's not just my TV! Because E! has audio. Get your shit together, NBC.
Audio is up! Melissa McCarthy's dress is… not great.
Damn, Angelina. Okay. Exquisite and unique.
Charlize Theron is gorgeous, unbelievably pretty in whisper-soft pink, BUT… I love when she does Maleficent black.
Not in love with Michelle Williams' dress. I liked that 1919-ish dress she wore at the Critics Choice Awards better.
Nicole Richie's hair is a yes. I love anything that reminds me of Julie Christie in Shampoo.
Natalie Morales is beautiful... And wearing a brooch! So lovely.
Seth Rogen, would it kill you to shave?
Are you guys counting feathers? Evan Rachel Wood, Mary J. Blige… who else? Who are the coquettes?
By the by, if you want to gawk at dresses, we've got 'em here!
Madonna looks like she's wearing chainmail. I like it. She needs a scepter. Is that a fashion glove or a carpal tunnel bandage?
Salma Hayek's hair is so big, there must be a few secrets hiding inside.
Did Leo DiCaprio have those same highlights when he was Arnie Grape? I'm a big boy!
I was thinking that Tina Fey's Oscar de la Renta is exactly what an award show dress ought to look like… Then Emma Stone showed up. Similar hue, more glitz.
Countdown clock! Eight minutes to go! Why are we wasting this precious time on Adam Levine?
If you need snacks or drinks go get them NOW.
Ricky Gervais: "Where was I?…"
Trashing the Kardashians. "More easily bought."
This will be tomorrow's quotable:
"Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton."
Jodie Foster smiles; Elton John frowns.
JOHNNY DEPP. Life is worth living.
Although… is that a one-sided vest? And a pocketwatch?
Best supporting actor is Christopher Plummer. Best I'd-rather-be-on-a-motorcycle-hair is Gerard Butler.
Zooey Deschanel: On the verge of trying too hard?
Laura Dern is Best Actress In A Comedy or Musical; Tina Fey is Best Close-Up Bomber.
Rob Lowe, fire the person doing your spray tan. You have crossed over into Pauly D territory.
Downton Abbey!!! Someone get Mr. Bates.
Always bet on Kate Winslet. At award shows, in roulette, in life.
Mindy Kaling, via Twitter: "Guy Pearce and Michael Fassbender, DO NOT do a movie together ALL WOMEN WOULD HATE THAT."
Nicole Kidman looks like she's sucking on a penny. Also, bravo Jeremy Irons for not leaning in to the mic. Leaning into the mic is my pet peeve.
Frasier Crane, sit down.
Does anyone ever talk about how terrible the Boardwalk Empire opening credits are? The song, the visuals, its all so bad and not right for the show/era/atmosphere.
Morena Baccarin, aka Inara from Serenity: Most likely to make me consider making out with a woman.
How are you guys doing? I am slightly bored.
The Artist gets its first award, for score.
Madonna wins. "This is a surprise. Um. Um."
Meanwhile, my favorite moment beyond Poehler/Fey has been this:
A moment of Zen, with AJ.
Brad Pitt looks toasted.
Idris Elba, aka Stringer Bell, aka ohbabyyoufiiiiiine.
Is Ricky Gervais locked in a closet somewhere?
Seth Rogen's erection isn't making Kate Beckinsale laugh — it's his use of "massive."
Michelle Williams is better than, cuter than, more elegant than her stupid dress/headband combo.
WAIT WAIT Piper's dress is see-through? BadDecisionsDotCom.
Unrelated: Peter Dinklage, I love you.
How long has it been since we've seen Ricky?
I have loved Peter Dinklage so long. Living In Oblivion. Station Agent.
What's in Angelina's purse?
Jessica Alba, fire your spray tan person.
TinTin? Someone go get the ORLY owl. ORLY owl to the white courtesy phone, please.
Angelina's movie didn't win… Iran over Bosnia.
Claire Danes is such smarty-pants. Oozes intelligence. So eloquent/articulate/meaningful, on the spot. End fangirling.
Maya Rudolph standing for Octavia Spencer!
Ms. Spencer's little pose and "seriously? nuts" are epic. Melissa McCarthy CRYING!
This is a moment.
Also! Octavia Spencer's Tadashi dress: A+
These two! So adorbs.
Sidney Poitier is making me a wee bit nervous, is he okay?
Helen Mirren: "I've had a couple of glasses of wine."
The reason Sidney Poitier and Morgan Freeman have never been in the same movie is because Hollywood only allows one old black guy at a time, duh. It's Magical Negro, not NEGROES.
Angelina Jolie makes everyone else look so low rent.
MARTY!!! You guys, I really liked Hugo. Is Asa Butterfield at this show?
THANK GOD FOR SOFIA VERGARA
She just woke me from a dazed stupor!
Let Vergara host next year.
Michelle Pfeiffer's forehead is smooth as a baby's bottom.
I loved The Artist. Is the dog winning something? Where is Bérénice Bejo? She is so pretty. I am SO BORED. Bring back Vergara.
No one is offering me any Moet. Viola Davis, I am jealous.
"The Evil Colin Firth."
Rooney Mara, The Girl With The Fabulous Faux Eyelashes.
Meryl Streep wins, is wearing a barrette as a ponytail holder, is awesome.
"Oh shit, I forgot my glasses."
Meryl mentioned Pariah!!!!
Oh no, you do not play off Meryl Streep.
The Artist! And the dog from The Artist!
And my girlcrush, Bérénice Bejo.
Clooney might be kind of tipsy?
Clooney: "Penis joke!"
Is it over? HAHAHA, wishful thinking.
The Descendants is best motion picture drama. I feel no joy.
Well, that's all folks. Thanks for hanging out with us! The Academy Awards have their work cut out for them. Good night, guys, may flights of Fassbenders and Elbas lead you to your rest.