Welcome back to Guysourcing, where a panel of helpful gentlemen answer your questions! This week, by reader request, we posed this question: "What are your thoughts about having sex with virgins? Would you have sex with a virgin at your current age, assuming you were single? If yes, how and when would you like to be told that someone you were dating was a virgin? And how have your sexual encounters with virgins (when you weren't one yourself) differed — if at all — from sex with more experienced partners?" Below, guys answer.
Whatever she wants
I've only ever lost my virginity, never taken it from someone. However, if I was dating a virgin, I'm not sure it would be all that big a deal. I'd probably treat it like everything else when it comes to sex: whatever she wants, whenever she's comfortable, and whenever she's ready. However, if she was one of those people "waiting for the right person" and still about my age, I'm terrified I'd assume she's some kind of crazy fundamentalist and break up with her — which doesn't seem fair. Some people obviously need to wait, but I do think sex is an essential part of the relationship and declaring it has to be put off (particularly between two monogamous adults) is more detrimental than helpful.
The campsite rule
I don't think virginity is magical! I mean — I guess it is true that I wouldn't have casual sex with a virgin, but then, I don't think I'd really have casual sex, anyhow. I don't ascribe to some notion of purity or innocence coming along with virginity, but you do have to take into account emotions and history — if you have sex with a virgin, you're going to be part of their person's life story. Not necessarily, but it is likely. I know Dan Savage is controversial, but his "campsite" rule comes into play, I think — don't leave a mess behind, try to make the person better than when you first met. That being said, I guess I'd want to be told, you know, around the time that it became germane to the discussion — when the possibility of hooking up started to develop.
A serious relationship
I'm 28, and I've had sex with virgins twice in my life. Having sex with a virgin at this point in my sexual career would be pretty weird, I won't lie. Either she'd have to be a little too young for it to be okay (I'm not sure I'd want to be sleeping with a 19- or 20-year-old) or there'd have to be some other unusual reason for why she'd gotten started so late. I wouldn't rule it out, I just wouldn't expect to encounter it.
Both times I slept with a virgin, it was in the context of a serious relationship. I really wouldn't do it any other way; otherwise you'd just be asking for trouble. And even if you weren't, it's rewarding to be someone's first — especially if you don't fuck it up by rushing things.
To my knowledge the only time I've ever had sex with a virgin, was the first time I had sex. That is unless you count the millions of times I had sex by myself before that.
If I were single I'd probably have sex with a virgin. But only if we were dating. I'd be really uncomfortable being their first if we had met at a bar or something. Even in the dating situation, if they were roughly my age, I'd be a little concerned about why they were still a virgin. But I suspect I'd get over it.
Everyone has a first time. But when you're on the "giving" side of it (which I never have been), I'd imagine there a few things to consider or be paranoid or anxious about, more prominently, "What if I'm the last guy she fucks?" That feels already like a weirdly heavy dose of responsibility. But what's to stop people from doin' it? Provided they are of appropriate age and get along well and all that. I wouldn't want to find out my partner is a virgin right out the gate. ("Nice to meet you." "You too. I'm a virgin." "... OK.") "Whenever she's comfortable telling me" would be the best answer, unless it's right before sex, which is when I'd feel responsible asking "So you're sure about all this?" at the precise moment she absolutely does not want to have that talk.
"A clusterfuck of lolarity"
Aside from my first time with my first boyfriend (which was a clusterfuck of lolarity), I don't think I've ever had sex with a virgin. I don't know how I'd feel about sleeping with one today. I suppose I'd feel a little safer from STDs (which was a huge concern for me when I embarked upon my extraordinarily brief and altogether unremarkable period of hoing around on Grindr — if your online hook-up profile says "anything goes," you can just go straight out the door, thanks very much), but I try to practice responsible sexual behavior anyway, so I don't know how much that would matter. Now, if you asked whether I'd want to be somebody's first boyfriend, somebody also in his late 20s, that's something else entirely. I want somebody who's had some practice at the whole mature relationship thing. Being a virgin isn't necessarily indicative of a lack of such experience, but I won't deny that in my head, there's probably a statistically significant correlation between the two. And while I would never say that I'd demand sex, well, if a guy expects to be in a long-term, sexless relationship with me, that's also going to be a problem. Sex isn't everything, and I'm not Dan Savage, advocating cheating/going around behind your partner's back if somebody has sexual performance issues. But if the communication between us is good, and if a guy is willing to work with me on our sexual compatibility, then I can't say as that I'd automatically say no to a virgin.
"Err on the side of caution"
I would have no aversion to having sex with a virgin at my current age (24). On my end of things, it doesn't bother me. Hey, you're a virgin? That's cool.
I would, however, hold a much greater degree of concern for the other party. I've never been in a situation where I came close to having sex with a virgin, but if I were, I would ensure (probably doubly and triply so) that she was absolutely certain she wanted to do it. This isn't due to a poor self image or anything along those lines, but rather I wouldn't want the other person to feel, after the fact, like they gave up their virginity at the wrong time/to the wrong person/under the wrong circumstances, etc. I fully realize that some people don't give damn about saving their first time for someone special or significant, but there are many people that do, so I would err on the side of caution unless specifically told otherwise.
This tends to go along with the above, but if alcohol were involved, I'd have to give the situation some careful thought. Sure if a girl is mildly buzzed and she wants to knock boots for the first time, no big deal. But if she's having trouble walking straight and is loudly proclaiming, "We should have sex, I want you to be my first!" No matter how inebriated I am, I would avoid doing the deed until under more sober circumstances. (That's a bit of an exaggeration as I wouldn't have sex with a girl walking S's)
Now, if I were putting the moves on someone and they turned out to be a virgin, I would hope that they would be honest about the situation. Obviously, I don't mean, "Hi, I'm Lucille, I'm a virgin, nice to meet you." I mean if things are progressing towards sex a simple, "Oh by the way, I'm a virgin," would be greatly appreciated. Again, not because it bothers me, but just because I would want to afford the situation the care it calls for. If a girl is a virgin, I'm going to be a bit more gentle than I normally would (not to say I normally go all pornstar, but you know what I mean). It's tough to try and peg down a precise time when I should know whether or not someone is a virgin, other than to vaguely say at or before the time one of the parties involved is ready to have sex.
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