In a statement that reads like parody but is apparently real, a Christian group claims that UK supermarket chain Tesco's recent sales slump is actually the Almighty's answer to their prayers.
The Guardian reports that the group Christian Voice began protesting against Tesco after it served as a sponsor for London's Gay Pride Parade. Now the company's stock price has dropped, and its holiday sales were disappointing. Clearly, God has spoken. Stephen Green, Christian Voice's national director, explains, "God has answered our prayers for confusion in the Tesco boardroom." He adds,
As the Big Price Drop was launched in September, it seems that almighty God, who operates outside space and time, was well ahead of us, anticipating our prayers, and seeing by our actions that our prayers were serious. Significantly, we prayed for a drop in their share price, which … has been answered on what you could describe as a Biblical scale. I now call on Tesco to see sense before their company is ruined. Don't display the arrogance of Pharoah. Withdraw the grant to Gay Pride.
What does God do besides manipulate the stock market? Apparently He influences ticket sales — Christian Voice also credits Him with causing the failure of Jerry Springer: The Opera (I guess the fact that it was an opera about Jerry Springer wasn't enough). So watch out, British shoppers — God does not concern Himself merely with the hunger, disease, poverty, and despair sweeping the world today. He is also punishing individual purveyors of low-priced groceries, so plan your shopping trips accordingly.